Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

I think that Your first points are a matter of personal taste - though, like you, I’d find them off putting.

The last two though are genuine red flags on their own. Trying to isolate you from friends and getting stroppy if you do your own thing is classic controlling behaviour.

You could possibly attempt to tackle it with a serious conversation- but how do you feel about this relationship having written it all out?

You need to talk to her about boundaries I mean the love language comment is all about her wants she isn't considering yours and yours is you don't want to be touched all the time! It's like when you have kids and they are all over you, you get touched out.

ICK

If I say I’m not in the mood for all this she takes offence and says her love language is physical touch so feels she needs to be always touching me.

God I cannot stand people who use their "love language" as a reason to override other people's bodily autonomy. Why is no one's love language not making others uncomfortable.

Given her history of abusive relationships, I agree with the PP upthread about it being a fawning trauma response. It sounds like she's stuck in a mindset of needing to keep the peace, and even when there's no real conflict, she feels she needs to do something practical to please you and keep you happy.

Ironically, in doing so, she's become controlling herself.

It sounds like you're already in a position of needing to walk on eggshells, needing to anticipate her sulking and getting upset. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I'd say she's not ready to be in a relationship and needs to be single for a while to heal properly from her past trauma.

Eek. I got to the third one and wanted to run away from the thread! It wouldn't work for me. Very smothering. Can you talk to her about it?

She takes offence – where are you in all this? It’s your body! If she was that ‘caring’ she’d be paying attention to YOUR preferences and respecting your wishes. The ‘caring’ thing is a smokescreen – she’s doing as she pleases, because it’s what she wants. Your preferences don’t even enter into it, in fact they offend her.

That sounds really annoying and infantising. I guess it comes from a place of insecurity. Maybe she had a bad childhood or abusive relationship. I can act in this quite smothery way when I'm very anxious. I have PTSD from childhood bereavement and DV.
Like if my DH gets upset or sick I fuss over him in a way which stems from my own issues. But he finds it very annoying mostly!
The fact she seems to be trying to stop you seeing your friends is out of order. You mustn't let her dictate who you see.
I think you just need to be firm and say 'please stop fussing over me. I know you mean well but it's really annoying'. Firmly but with no emotion. Then move on the convo. Don't let her start going on about it and making it worse, like 'waa, I'm so sorry I upset you etc'

I'm not sure if she sounds controlling or extremely subservient (due to previous abuse?) & has absolutely zero self worth.

Eitherway I can see why it would drive you nuts.

This! Love language simply means "I would appreciate more of this", not "you HAVE to do this".

If two people's "love languages" aren't compatible they should just break up.

OP that's how it starts.

She gets upset because you're meeting your friends.. and over time you meet them less and less to avoid the hassle, and before you know it you no longer go out.

Defo a lot of red flags there. It sounds like you are changing who you are/the things you do to accommodate her wishes or at least doing so because you are worried about her reaction.

She is trying to isolate you from your friends. IIf you have no friends left then you are isolated and you'll stay with her, much harder to leave when you no longer believe you have a support network . As a fellow lesbian I've been in this position myself and it's suffocating. Sounds like you maybe getting the ick as well. But she is controlling you just dressing it up as being concerned and caring

She sounds very very desperate to me. That would massively put me off.
You said you've 'jokingly' said I'm not made of glass - I really think you need to start calmly and firmly telling her every time to stop - look her in the eye, be assertive, don't apologise. If she can't modify her behaviour despite you telling her clearly it's smothering you then it's over.

Are you in a relationship with my mother?

My mother's late partner (also a woman) had the patience of a saint and managed this behaviour (and the correlated martyrish sulks) with a great deal of warmth and humour. But also appreciated the underlying sentiment, having had very uncaring parents herself. So there was something in it that felt good to her, amidst the stuff that felt annoying.

I cannot stand this, and find it overbearing and controlling. I often end up really snapping at my mother when she's wrestling my suitcase out of my hands to carry it for me or physically fighting me to pay for everything in a shop or fussing over whether I really enjoyed the food she made me. I lose my shit and then she sulks and I feel awful.

Her partner used to be able to smooth this over between us, bless her. Now she's gone it's so much harder to work this stuff out.

I think this is the insidious way it happens – this controlling ‘sensitive’ person does not directly tell you – you can’t do x or necessarily stop you from doing anything in a forceful or ‘aggressive’ way. But you grow to learn what will set off episodes of sulking or guilt tripping, and you know they will emotionally drain you, and you grow to feel a sense of dread around those normal things – e.g. plans with friends – in a way that really takes the joy out of them.

Before you know it, you are missing out on things because you don’t want your mood destabilised by her sulking and emotional reactions. But because she is running around after you, there is the false sense that you are controlling everything, rather than in fact pandering to her needs and preferences all the time. Next thing you know, a couple of years have passed, she’s the only person you ever spend time with, she’s more ‘attentive’ than ever and you feel completely trapped as your life is fully entwined with hers and you feel emotionally and socially dependent on her.

It doesn't really matter that she has ADHD, past trauma, or is possibly 'on the spectrum', all of those are just reasons for behaviour that's making you very uncomfortable, not excuses.
You don't like it, she won't change, just end things between you.

My mind is truly blown seeing it from this perspective.

I am starting to wonder if I’m abusive to her, by allowing her to do so much for me.

No, you’re absolutely not! What makes you wonder this?

Small occasional acts like this are fine. Your partner sounds horrendous, and I think what it shows is that they don't believe you.

Because she’s had such a traumatic past so I’ve tried to be as caring and as loving as I possibly can, encouraged her to go to therapy etc. I’ve spoiled her emotionally, physically and financially. But while doing this I’ve not put in place any sort of boundaries and now we’ve consumed each others lives. So she sees it as okay to be this way with me, now I’m going to tell her it has to stop. It’s potentially going to come across as me love bombing her and then taking it away?

I’m seeing it differently now, none of it is healthy at all

The long term result of this is your self-esteem to be crushed by the constant assertion that you need help and can't do things on your own. Run.

But because she is running around after you, there is the false sense that you are controlling everything, rather than in fact pandering to her needs and preferences all the time.

By this bit I meant that the controlling behaviour can be less obvious, as on the face of it, the things she is doing are caring for ‘your’ needs – when really it’s not at all about your needs – your preferences and boundaries are being completely ignored. The running around after you is her preference, not yours. She’s creating an infantilising dynamic where you’re dependent on her and don’t do anything for yourself. It’s all about meeting her needs – for closeness, enmeshment, etc.

Did anyone else read this and think this partner HAS to be a man? These are things so called 'gentlemanly' men reportedly do, and think they should be doing... constant asking whether you're comfortable, pushing themselves into DIY tasks, making sure you're well 'fed and watered', carrying shopping bags...

I personally think this is them trying to be considerate and taking care of you, but I agree, there is a fine line between considerate, and smothering/controlling.

I agree with @BlastedPimples , this often leads to one feeling they do more and holding it against you.

Be kind and end this for both your sakes. She needs more therapy by the sounds of it. I feel bad for her to be honest but she's not your responsibility. You can't live in fear of someone's feelings.

That isn't a relationship I could be in. If you want to stay with her you need to sit down and put some boundaries in place that would make you more comfortable. But it doesn't actually sound like you want to continue the relationship,so you should end it. It's not fair on either of you otherwise.
Having said that she sounds very naive, and the way she is acting is very possibly down to insecurities based on her abusive relationships in the past. They stay with you, and if she doesn't know how to behave in a stable relationship that is something she will need to learn. In all honesty it doesn't sound as though you want to be the person to help her through that though (that's not a criticism - it's bloody hard work) so I really think you need to finish it, and she needs to work on her self esteem and how to have a healthy relationship with herself and others.