Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

!!! Crikey. I don’t know how you are coping with this intensity OP. I think I would actually feel very stressed if I was dealing with this

Sounds like you’re not that into her and she’s become needy because of it.

you need a proper chat.

either break up with her or tell her that you need to come to a compromise between her needs and yours. You both need to decide whether the affection you’re comfortable showing is enough for her. If it’s not then she needs to find someone who makes her feel the level of security she needs.

This isn't working for me, I want to end things due to some behaviours of yours that make me uncomfortable. You don't respect my boundaries and treat me like a child, this isn't what I want from a romantic relationship.
Offer to talk about it in person but reiterate you won't be changing your mind.

What is your gut telling you op? Do you want to try and make it work or do you want to end it? Do you think you’d feel relieved if you ended it?

Her latest message to you sounds quite patronising to me tbh.

If you want to continue, I would suggest she needs some therapy.

If you want to end it, I would recommend just being completely honest with her. And if she asks for another chance, it’s too late because she already had her chances and didn’t listen to you.

I'd find all of that very suffocating! However, she may be doing all those things for the right reasons, ie as a demonstration of love and affection. One exception, I'd say, is the friends thing. You can be friends with whomever you like and do not need your partner's approval about that, or anything in fact. If it becomes a case of her saying: "It's your friends or me." at that point I'd definitely draw the line. Perhaps try to have a sensitive conversation with her about feeling a bit claustrophobic at times, and that while you appreciate her doing things for you, your independence is also important. Also stress this isn't you rejecting her, you just want to do things for yourself at times. Again though, not being allowed to be friends with whomever you want would be a deal breaker for me.

Hell no I couldn't tolerate all this. Anyone of the instances you have described would put me off but all together it sounds awful.
I had an ex who was very clingy and needy, wanting to have his arms around me all the time. constantly asking how much I loved etc. Nowhere near as bad as your situation OP, but god was it annoying!!

Oh God, I'd feel so suffocated. I really need space or I go mad.

She isn’t a “poor girl “! She’s a limpet who won’t take no for an answer. If this were a bloke nobody would be saying “poor boy”!

I don’t think it’s actually controlling as such, more infantilising! Which you don’t need as a grown woman with kids of your own. It was driving me mad just reading your fairly short post. I don’t know how you put up with it; I would just finish it!

I can't see this getting any better, OP. It'll get worse. Just leave. This is awful.

I wouldn't text back your response, I would make an arrangement to see her - away from your home, somewhere neutral - and have a conversation face to face.

Whether you decide to end it or not, you need to be able to say how you feel about this relationship. The touching thing made me feel sick. It's what many of my boyfriends did and it's proprietorial, a message to anybody else 'don't touch!', even if there was no reason or threat of that.

You sound like very different people and that shouldn't be an issue, many opposites are together and happy, because they shake down, accept the differences and make it work. You have no wiggle room in this relationship, it's either her way or... she gets upset and makes it your responsibility to back down because, 'love language'. Honestly, whoever thought of that stupid term needs a sharp slap, it's pathetic.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position, OP. It's good that you've posted as there have been some really erudite posters who've shone light on this, it made me think too. I hope you can find a way through - or out of - this, very soon.

She's really into you and you're not so into her. I'd find that too much if I was you, too, tbf.

Yeash....that's bad. Very controlling, emotionally bullying with the sulking. Run for hills as they say. I don't know how you stand it - she's physically manipulating you too all the time with the coats/constantly touching etc. She's treating you like a helpless child.

Is she medicated for ADHD? Has she been officially diagnosed? Sounds more like autistic behaviour. She’s potentially acting how she thinks she ought to and feels hurt and offended when you pull away. She also sounds very co-dependant which if you’re not, will continue to get upset about not seeing you and being with you/touching you constantly. I would advise that you have a very honest conversation with her. If she’s not willing to listen and change, you need to consider the impact that this will have on your children should you decide to continue with this relationship. Try to be kind, though!

OP I'd find this over bearing and couldn't cope.
The 14 messages when you have replied to 3 is a lot from her side. The need to 'fix things' is a big red flag to me. Sometimes to 'fix things' you just need your own head space - I know I do.

You need to have a sit down chat about boundaries if you want to go forward.

Her love language is touch - fine not in public - if she needs to do this in public - find a common ground
Holding hands when driving - NO just no (person opinion)

Not going out with finds as it's 'our thing' put a stop to that on both sides. Book the holiday you want with your friends - you probably discussed this before you 2 met. Don't just not go because its somewhere she wants to go probablyafter you retold a conversation about going with friends she decided this.

Tell her to go experience things you have discussed doing together with others. It's not a bad thing to have separate experiences- it gives you things to talk about IMO.

If boundaries can't be made and kept then don't put up with it.

Good luck OP

She sounds quite unwell. You can't stay with her. You have your children to think of.

There's no fixing this. She's dependent and trying to manipulate you into thinking you need her care. She's not doing it deliberately but she's not able to support you in a life that would be healthy. Your life would shrink until it was nothing more than her needs and feelings.

You have the ick.

There is no easy way to do it. Break up at a neutral venue and block her on everything. Don't tell her what's wrong with her. Just say you don't see a future and your feelings have changed. She will find fresh meat soon enough.

I think you should tell her the truth. Tell her you’re feeling a bit smothered and could she give you a little space to breathe. If she responds badly you have your answer

Very simply – you have the ick. If you really loved this person, you wouldn’t mind any of this but with the wrong person it is irritating the shit out of you.

Time to move on.

So you say you are feeling down and she immediately makes it about her - you’re pushing her away.

This speaks volumes about her. It will also say a lot about if/when she ramps up contact when you say you don’t want to text today.

If you really loved someone you wouldn't mind them sulking any time you want to spend time with friends?

this really sounds like the love-bombing phase of a coercive controlling relationship. She's always in your space, she doesn't like your friends and family, she sulks if you try to assert yourself, she takes control of little aspects of your life by presenting it as looking after you... none of it sounds good. It might seem well-intentioned right now but it would be so so easy to wake up a few months or years down the line with a massively diminished social circle and finding she's turned nasty and you are financially/emotionally/logistically dependent on her.

It already doesn't feel right to you. I'd leave now. Expect her to make it difficult though.

Come on! Could anyone live happily like this with anyone?!

Smothering and controlling. She may well be this way as a result of past trauma and due to deep insecurity, but that's not okay. Unfortunately, people like this tend to pick people like you - deeply empathetic who are caring and considerate and willing to accommodate other people's needs. People who know that breaking up with these individuals will make them unhappy and so stay for much longer than they should.

Rip off the plaster now. It will only get worse.

I just think normalising or legitimising this behaviour is not good. It’s not a case of not loving someone enough. Someone having a problem with you seeing your friends, or disrespecting your boundaries is never cool, no matter how much you love them.

I don't think it sounds controlling but definitely smothering and I couldn't cope with someone being all over me like that. Also sounds like she may be sensing your resistance / pulling away and is trying even harder to get close to you...

I would end this one now OP as it's clear you're not on the same page.

Although got to admit I am slightly jealous of her ordering you food when you say you're hungry and painting your house whilst you relax 😂