What if I can’t get on the plane?

[Northerngirl345]

My best friend and I are due to be flying long haul on Friday. I am a terrible flyer, it terrifies me, but I decided that if I booked fancy seats (business class) and could natter with my best friend the whole way - I’d be fine.

Well, today was the day to book seats and we can’t get two seats together. I’ve spent 2 hours on the phone to the airline and they say they can’t help. I even thought about upgrading to first class but this was going to cost £8k and they STILL couldn’t promise we’d be sat together as I’d have to pay before seeing what seats were available. I don’t actually have a spare £8k but I was tempted until I realised it wouldn’t solve my problem.

Now I just feel like I don’t want to go. I was already super nervous and this has pushed me over the edge.

My best friend flies alone all the time and can’t see the big deal. She thinks we’ll “laugh about this one day”.

Has anyone got any ideas to help me here?

YABU - suck it up and get on the plane
YANBU - cancel the trip / find a way to get 2 seats together.

Airplanes are fine for the most part.

I wish the air ventilation was a bit better in some of them though

This happened to my friend and I. She is a very nervous flyer but does well with a window seat and me or another friend to talk to. Like you the key is to keep occupied. We had separate seats flying back from someplace and the airline couldn't put us together. We asked cabin crew and they were going to try to get us seats together.

In the end we asked the lady with the seat next to my friend if she would mind swapping with me because of my friend's nervousness and she was happy to do so.

So try at the airport as soon as you get there, try with the cabin crew and ask people.

Your friend needs to appreciate that your nervousness is very real and understandable. I hope it works out

Good news! If this happens again in future, check-in staff will often help if they can, and you can queue to board early then ask your seat neighbours to swap. As long as you don't ask them to move to a worse seat, most people will agree out of niceness/so they don't have to deal with you!
If being with your friend makes a significant difference, it suggests your fear is manageable enough that you could find other ways to get through it too in future, eg stress ball and comforting show downloaded on phone/tablet to replace hand hold and comforting chat. My partner was the same and is now able to fly alone when needed.

I’m glad you can now sit with your friend but you need your own coping protocols: calming music, deep breathing exercises, beta blockers, Rescue Remedy, lucky squirrel etc.

It'll probably be fine to swap on the plane, lots of business people fly business class so they're on their own and just want to beaver away on their laptops - they wont want someone trying to chat over them. When I flew with my friend we swapped with 2 different solo travellers to make sure we were comfy and could talk/sleep and not disturb people. Plus you can have some nice champagne as soon as you get on. The pilot also came out to chat which was reassuring (although maybe unusual as it didn't happen on the return leg).

I'd get to the lounge early, have some calming drinks, research the films available beforehand (the airline website will have the list), try and look forward to the experience.
They'll greet you with champagne and the staff ratio to travellers is better in BC so you can tell them you're a nervous traveller.

I doubt this is helpful, but statistically getting in a car is FAR more dangerous than getting on a plane.

Book a hypnotherapy session for tomorrow. Amazing and they can provide you with a recording yo listen to before your return.

https://www.hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwr7ayBhAPEiwA6EIGxDFfMr1BTm5LFicJS21QAOfUbn5FRNozZ2uH7bdqUuBU61F0VJPygBoCFbMQAvD_BwE

I am also a terrible flyer, so I tend to fly BC or first. I’ve flown on my own a few times (lots of anxiety and tears) and I’ve found the cabin crew are amazing. It might be that you can swap on board, you might even be able to sit with the cabin crew (yep, I’ve been that person)! Don’t forgo your holiday, you will be gutted and possibly lose a friend. Also be careful about being too anxious as they might not let you on the plane if they are worried about you. If you can’t get seats together, have a glass of champagne, put on some very good noise cancelling headphones (honestly- these are the best to distract you), maybe a comfortable audiobook (my go-to on flights is Harry Potter!) and chill back. I also find that if I’m by a window, I like to the film the take off on time lapse. It means you have to stay really still, and really focussed. It’s weird but it helps me so much. You’ll film for about 20 mins, at which point the seatbelt sign will turn off and the drinks will turn up. All the best, and please know you’re not alone in this fear.

sorry, final point, I read “Flying with Confidence” (British Airways) years ago and it really helped me with the flight immediately afterwards, and for a few years after. Unfortunately the Covid years meant that the break in flying for me pushed me back to square one. Anyway, hey ho!!!

I used to be a bit of a nervous flyer and I got over it by first of all going into denial about where I am - I never look out of the window and pretend I'm on a bus. I also read on my Kindle as soon as I sit down and make sure it's a real page-turner that I can concentrate on. Times when I might feel a bit nervy, I always look at the air stewards because they are always so casual about everything. Have a great time!

I echo the hypnotherapy advice.

I had hypnotherapy for a different phobia and it was so helpful.

I have been on various BC flights with many different airlines. BA do charge for selecting your seats but I havent come across MIDDLE seats on BC other than a very few airlines who have very very old BC set up.

Could you give us the airline please. I am hoping its not something like Thomas Cook or TUI extra leg room type seats.

If you tell us the airline myself and others might be able to advise. Emirates and Qatar have a fab lounge at the back of the plane. Feel like a film star when I fly with them.

So much great advice on this thread - much appreciated!

Sadly I’m working right up to the last minute so no time for a cheeky hypnotherapy session but last night I watched lots of videos of the cabin on the plane, looked up the freebies I get in my goodie bag, looked up the movies and even chose what I fancied eating from the menu. I’m trying to look forward to the flight as an “experience”.

In answer to the many queries about why my friend didn’t choose the seats initially: we booked through BA but it’s an AA flight. So I think we got a “deal” initially but it took a while for the seat allocation to open. Even when I phoned BA (in tears) on Sunday, the agent wasn’t able to “see” what seats were available as it’s not their plane. Lesson learned about not booking this way again.

Talk to your GP.

I hate flying as much as you OP but I’ve had to sit on my own many times when my kids were young. They’d sit on a row with their dad and I’d sit separately (knowing if there were any issues their dad would be far calmer than me). I didn’t like it but I just had to suck it up for the sake of others.

I was given diazepam recently for back pain, have kept it up my sleeve for my summer holiday.

Your not being unreasonable, you don't like flying, alot of people don't, but it would be a shame to miss out on the trip too. If you can move the dates without incurring costs I would prob look into that

Diazepam from the doctors

I have been on various BC flights with many different airlines. BA do charge for selecting your seats but I havent come across MIDDLE seats on BC other than a very few airlines who have very very old BC set up.

Based on the OP's subsequent posts, I don't think she means "middle seat" in terms of a seat with two immediate neighbours but, rather, "middle seats" as in the seats between the two aisles on a wide body plane (she refers to them as "seats not against the windows").

about 15 years ago me, our fmaily inc one of our kids that is married went to the USA - at heatrow on the plane I was wondering why we saw people in yellow jackets walk to the back of the plane along with the pilot and cabin crew - this woman had fear of flying - we were lucky as she and her oh came off the palnce as they were able to remove their bags with about a 30 min delay only

I fear flying during the last 20 years or not sure why by my family tells me to stop watching those aircraft accident shows on tv

I loved to fly when younger not sure what has happened

the takeoff and preparing to land are the worst bits - the last time I was on a plane coming back from asia - our ruddy plane took off into a hailstrom - it was like a scary movie and even my OH and DiL was scared - it carried on fro a good hour we though we'd return to the airport we took off - nothing from the pilots as I guess their were busy flying and it was only when the flight attendants came out of their seats gave me a restful mind - but then the captin stated to expect more bad weather but we were lucky

OP, have a small drink before you get onboard - good luck

Flying business class means you get to use the lounge before which is v relaxing but make sure you allow time to get to your gate!

The AA amentity bag is v cute and has the most wonderful lip balm

This - the more modern the cabin the less likely you are actually “next” to someone in business

Agree with PP on letting the staff know you are nervous and ask at check-in for close seats - depending on the route if it is a more “work/business” trip most other people will be travelling alone and on their own autopilot routine

You should be able to get your AA booking reference so that you can go into AA.com and see seat selection. You probably want to do this now for the way home (assuming you aren't moving to the US) and get those seats sorted ASAP. You need to select seats via AA not BA.

Can you get a small prescription of Xanax from your doctor before you go? I have the smallest dose possible, take one pill an hour before the flight and another on board. It usually means I sleep for the duration but it completely gets rid of anxiety (and vomiting in my case).

YABU -

Get a prescription for two lorazepam from your doctor, one for your outbound flight and one for the return. Or buy some benalyn, nytol or sleepeaze, and pop one as soon as you board. You'll soon feel more relaxed. Don't drink any alcohol if you choose medication.

Also, bring a stress ball and squeeze it.