Are you reluctant to invite people to your house, in case they're jealous ?

[orchidmummy]

I know this thread is so inflammatory, but I'm curious to understand if you ever think this ?

I've known a few very well off people who are very careful about who they let in their home because they've experienced negative consequences / being treated differently after people realised how well they live.

Do you think it's just in their head or is this actually a thing ?

If you're well off and live very nicely, do you ever hesitate to invite, say your children's school friends round, in case it creates jealousy and your kid ends up at a disadvantage?

Indirectly, it was OPs question. Would you not invite people in case they judge? No, because I wouldn't imagine they would judge, because I wouldn't.

I disagree
Just because you don’t judge doesn’t mean others don’t

But I wouldn't assume someone is going to judge my house and therefore not invite them over. Which is my answer to OPs question. And the reason for that is that it wouldn't cross my mind that they might judge, because I don't.

So I have answered OPs question, and given my explanation for my answer.

Our property was recently valued at £1.4M. We've had it since 2005 and the last time we spent any money on it was in 2014. The bathrooms also haven't been updated for 20 years - they're quirky and I fill them with interesting stuff so they're very un-bathroomy. We're not high earners but just bought at the right time in the South East.

I often go in homes that are worth less but have had a lot of money spent on them in more recent years, and the owners clearly have more disposable income than we currently have.

It can sometimes make me feel a tad insecure momentarily as they’ve “got their sh*t together” etc, but never jealousy that would make me not like them. I thought people left that emotion behind in their early 20s!

When we lived in a big house my father was convinced every time we asked a tradesman for a quote that we would get ripped off. He would fake an Essex accent every time he spoke to tradesman and try and convince them if he "wasn't too busy ducking and diving for a living" that he would do the work himself. Once when he was talking to an electrician instead of using a fake Essex accent he used an fake french one. My mom hired the electrician so he had to use the dodgy French accent every time he spoke to him.

Nah, they're not humble bragging, they're just mean. So many rich people are really mean.

We had a huge (ramshackle, dirty) house when i was growing up. My parents were the most sociable people in the world and loved having people over. If anyone felt uncomfortable, they included themselves out, as it were. Parents lost most of their wealth in the Lloyds crash at the end of the 80s and downsized to a tiny bungalow. Their love of life and earlier sociableness stood them in very good stead when they were down on their luck, people still visited and enjoyed their company. God I miss them.

DH used to live in a nice but normal house in a nice area and quotes would go stratospheric as soon as the person walked down the drive. Quoting over £100 k to paint the outside for example. This was circa 1998.

It just meant that he ended up doing almost everything himself (not regulated stuff obviously).

No, I don't tend to invite people over because it's a tip!

No, I don’t think anyone would ever be jealous of my home! It’s cleanish most of the time but rather shabby (and I definitely don’t mean shabby chic 😊)

Several friends have absolutely beautiful homes but I wouldn’t enjoy the maintenance or cost of keeping everything looking so nice.

I get what you’re saying. We are sort of in the middle in our friends. We are very lucky to live in a 4 bedroom detached house in a nice area. It’s pretty small for a 4 bedroom. There is lots I’d like to update in the house so when I go to a friends house with loads more room, everything modern and open plan etc with their kids in private schools I do get pangs of jealousy. We have some friends who are renting or have much smaller houses, or flats without gardens (so tough in covid!) who may feel slightly envious of us. But essentially we are friends with nice, non-judgmental people and try to be the same ourselves.

Having my own home, lovely kids and husband and a decent job seemed so far off and unachievable in my early 30s and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel lucky for everything I have.

I have what I think is a nice house, slightly worn at the edges, small but nice garden, not a show home, When DD was as school she had friends in tiny flats and friends with their own en-suites and walk in wardrobes and had pool parities in their back garden. We never judged but we did understand that some families couldn’t host play dates so easily so didn’t necessarily expect to be reciprocated.

One parent who lived in a vast pile with pool did moan about how their cleaners had gone on holiday for a fortnight and she couldn’t invite anyone round as a result. She told us it must be so lovely for us to live in such an ‘ordinary’ house where you could manage it yourself.

Only an idiot would think that nobody in the world would be like that.
There will always be people who are jealous of those who have more than them.

I have a feeling a local mum friend does not invite us to hers because her house is so big and she doesn’t want everyone to assume they can all just go there. And / or thinks they’ll want to go round all the time!

On the opposite side here we have a tiny flat and I don’t really offer play dates to my 4 yos friends as it’s so small I feel embarrassed

I don't like inviting people round because I feel like I am stamping above my social standing. It's not embarrassing so to speak but I don't like showing our wealth if that makes sense. I grew up initially in my nans council house on a very rough estate (12 of us in a four bed). When my parents could eventually progress in work and buy somewhere it was very humble i.e small flat above a shop. My husband and I feel we extremely privileged to have bought and sold on houses at the right time and he has progressed well career wise so we have a decent standard of living. Our village has mostly small three bed houses which ours was and the previous owners extended it. Very few have had that done so our house sticks out a little. There are much much more expensive houses in our village but these tend to be owned by the retired rather than families our age. I just find it a bit weird but I'm sure nobody would have issue with our house as it's just well our home.

It wouldn't even occur to me that people would be jealous about what we have. I've wanted it all my life and it doesn't seem real and it's not sunk in yet but until now I've never thought people would be jealous.

Stealth brag

I'll bite.
I never thought we were well off but I am from, and still live, in the NW in a historically rough area. My partner is quite a high earner, we both work full time and we have decent holidays. When I tell my friends they always ask me how we can afford it 😬

After this I was a little wary about inviting them for a playdate. My friends little boy, on seeing our house, started saying really loudly , these houses are like mansions (they really aren't 😅) and my friend was looking at the TV stuff saying where do you get that from, how much was that, etc.
A few kids off the estate seem to like coming to our house. When I asked one of them why they said their mum had gotten rid of most of their toys. DD has loads 🫣
We also go to pubs and restaurants that friends won't go to as too expensive. I don't always like talking about it.
Thing is I've always worked 4 days or full time since I had my DD, and we only have 1 child where they have 2, that's how we can afford more. It's simple really.
I'm aware the above make me sound like a dickhead but it's true and I've never brought up the subject of money.

The flip side is , in mumsnet terms we would be poor as we don't earn 100k and I think that is a huge amount of money 🤣🤷‍♀️

I haven't had a name change in a while so have done so for this also.

We have this a bit with my BIL. He hates that are higher earners than him and has made jibes in the past and has deliberately avoided coming over because he hates that we have a "nicer" house than his.

It overspills into behaving differently when we go out too as he will insist on penny pinching wherever possible, so while we'd normally just grab some food out on a day trip, when we go out with him we always end up packing a picnic instead so we don't inadvertently make him feel "inferior" by not buying his lunch.

He has a massive chip on his shoulder about my DH having done better than him, despite DH actually bothering at school and BIL not bothering.

Because we know he has issues with it, it becomes tiresome from our side that we feel like we have to watch what we say all the time to not upset him.

Being envious of people is OK - we all get that sometimes, but outright jealousy just creates misery for all parties.

But isn’t that because you have not had this experience? Op said that these people became wary AFTER having had the experience of other’s jealousy of their home.

We can’t know if another person is jealous of us or not but we do know when they start to treat us differently; you can tell when people’s faces drop as they look around your house and the sudden resentment or hostility towards you. People might not call that jealousy but it is something unpleasant.

This thread is not for people that don't have large houses (no offence).

It doesn't help with websites such as zoopla where you can see how much you've bought the house for and it's estimated value. I don't like to give my address if I don't have to.

Namechanged for this.

Grew up in a 3 bed semi, house always a bit messy/rundown. Lived in many flats, flat shares over the years. When my first was born, our 2 bed flat was so small I couldn't host the NCT group coffee morning and felt embarrassed.

Just over a year ago, we bought a six bed mansion. We have a wine cellar, guest wing, pool room, cinema, hot tub and bar. We have a daily cleaner, gardener, dog walker (both work f t). We have a lot of land.

My kids don't like it. They are embarrassed, self conscious and feel judged. They want to live in a normal street with neighbours. They don't like standing out. I also don't like inviting colleagues round for e.g. drinks, as I think they will think I am showing off (my profession is not well paid). You get the impression that people will think "wtf are you complaining about, you've nothing to moan about!" It is my husband's work that has enabled this and he has been very fortunate...but yes, it's a double edged sword.

Seriously???

Actually, my house looks quite grand from the outside, and because of the dying town I live in, it was much cheaper than the houses of friends living closer to London. I mean, it's a shit tip and it's falling apart (and we got it cheaper still because it has such serious issues), but there are bits of it that do look rather Downton Abbey, and thats why i love it even if i am freezing my tits off in here all year round. And people do seem to assume we are minted which we aren't. We really arent. And what I dislike is that people do treat you different. I have a close relative who is always at pains to let me know their financial strife and a few times I've dug deep to try to help out.... only to recently discover that they are much better off than me, but assume because of the house that "I can afford it"

I’m always so conscious of my car on the driveway. It’s not particularly fancy but it is new … and it gives an impression. If she can afford that I can up my price etc. I did have one woman come into my house - I’d renovated my kitchen since she had previously called - I truly felt the energy of the room had changed the next morning when I walked in. Out with my sage sticks and space clearing bell! 🧿🪬🧿

I did wonder why people stopped talking to me after I invited them to my spare house to look at my Rolex collection. I mean, it’s tiny, just 10 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms, swimming pool and room for a Pony.