Are you reluctant to invite people to your house, in case they're jealous ?

[orchidmummy]

I know this thread is so inflammatory, but I'm curious to understand if you ever think this ?

I've known a few very well off people who are very careful about who they let in their home because they've experienced negative consequences / being treated differently after people realised how well they live.

Do you think it's just in their head or is this actually a thing ?

If you're well off and live very nicely, do you ever hesitate to invite, say your children's school friends round, in case it creates jealousy and your kid ends up at a disadvantage?

I find the people that claim other people are jealous of them are usually unpleasant people who treat other people badly, don't take responsibility for it then claim so and so who doesn't like them is jealous.

No. We live in the “big house” and I have friends from all walks of life and I’ve never seen or felt any sort of bitterness from them. We are self made with not a penny from family.

The village is a different matter. Our 3 boys used to go to the village green and were constantly targeted by adult men (tripped up etc), everything we do is twisted and reported on, our perimeter is constantly littered and cars pereptually park over the dropped curbs at our field entrances despite abundant parking elsewhere. We’ve only ever volunteered for everything and donated lots to every single village amenity but the resentment seems endemic. People just can’t seem to see past a big house.

This thread is showing me that people in “villages” are snobs

Seriously this thread has been eye opening to me for sure

People get jealous over perceived wealth due to the size of their house? 😱

Ive obviously moved in different circles my whole life

I have never felt jealous over any of my friends homes, nor ever felt ashamed of my own

Yes I have been to friends homes where I have complimented their home, admired their kitchen and openly lusted over a gadget but jealousy has never come into the equation

I have friends who come to mine and and are just blown away by the views we have, space and size of rooms ( its very decieving is our house, looks small from the front ) , doubt if anyone would compliment me on decor though :)

We have a saying here, your friends come to see you, not your house

No, not personally. I am what I am and I have what I have, and my attitude is very much one of take it or leave it. If you like me? Cool. If you don’t? Cool. I’m not going to appeal to everyone and I’m not trying to.

I see why it may be a ‘thing’ though - you see threads on here all the time about a neighbour/friend being wealthy and the OP struggling with and resenting that. You see it in the replies too, encouraging the OP to imagine said friend/neighbour is secretly miserable (because apparently the way to feel better is to imagine someone else feeling worse). You also see threads about those that have friends they consider themselves better than, who become threatened when the friend is doing well. Hell, there’s plenty of threads about cheeky fuckers thinking wealthier friends/family should do X, Y and Z for them because ‘they can afford it’ and they’re called every type of cunt if they say no.

People DO get jealous and resentful. Is it always the reason behind disliking someone? No, of course not, but it certainly can be and I find it disingenuous to deny that.

My friends? No worries whatsoever inviting anyone over. However we have experienced this with DC when we did a full class party, some kids were a little mean to DC afterwards because of the ‘posh’ house and they still get called posh by these kids, 3 years later!
I’ve also had one parent ‘joke’ that our kids can’t be friends because we are much posher than them. All based on coming to the house on one occasion.

So jealousy as an emotion does not exist?

I think a lot of people wrong assume jealousy is the reason for other people's behaviour. You hear it all the time.

"Why did they do that to me?"
"Because they're jealous of you."

Or maybe they're just dicks. Or they think you are a dick. Or they had a bad day. Or it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

It's lazy and arrogant to assume people are just jealous of you.

The question isn’t aimed at you.

I am curious to hear genuine answers.

Because it often is. People will always claim it’s for another reason, because rarely is jealousy ever admitted to.

Jealousy will don a myriad other masks rather than show it’s own face.

Yes, this was our experience. No issues with my actual friends, but it’s the ‘acquaintances’ via the kids that make thoughtless comments and upset the them. I’ve had to tell my kids that anyone who judges you negatively because of what your parents have or have not achieved is a bit of a moron and best avoided.

Funny world we live in - one where we’re supposed to aspire to some sort of professional success, own a home and reliable car etc but then get criticised for it.

Do well, just not too well?

But how do you know the other reason isn't the actual reason? Just because it doesn't make sense to you doesn't mean it's not true.

Quite the opposite. We live in an old flat which isnt great. We rarely host anyone as everyone else has bigger,nicer houses.

I haven’t rtft but I find MN really weird sometimes. You would think that everyone on MN is a paragon of virtue never having experienced jealousy or having been on the receiving end of it.

I have had The experience a few times where people have fessed up to me that the reason they behaved so appallingly towards me was because they were jealous (not of my house but of something else I don’t want to get into as it’s too outing). One of the things about jealousy is that it is quite difficult to recognise it in yourself but sometimes when I find myself feeling negative towards someone there is usually a bit of jealousy involved.

i have had a few weird reactions from people who come to my house. Because I am working class I think they expect me to live in a hovel. When they see where I actually live they seem somewhat unnerved.

How do you know it is? We all go by our perceptions, based on our experiences.

Oftentimes the other reasons are revealed to be very flimsy upon closer inspection (one that I’ve heard more than once just on MN - “she’s quiet and keeps to herself, that means she’s a stuck up snob that thinks she’s better than everyone”), the reaction to a perceived faux pas is ridiculously disproportionate, there’s a pattern to the behavior, and and/or the real reason eventually reveals itself over time.

People don’t need to explicitly state something in order to communicate.

😂😂

Doesn't everyone?

Seriously, OP - what ARE you on about?

@BusyMummy001 I think that round here there is an expectation of certain size property = certain lifestyle which includes kids at private school and we don’t fit that mould. It’s actually a pretty affluent area in general but because housing is so expensive the assumption is folks have to be loaded to afford a bigger house

So who is it about and what is their property like on the outside and is it in a very well to do area?? If its not in a very well to do area, then the stuff inside if OTT would look out of place

You can by ordinary brand tv's Sony, Pioneer for 5060k and we have tv - massive screen - you cant tell the difference with the one we have that cost close to 9k and some others that cost a lot less or a lot more

I'm confused

Dd invited some new friends round whilst at uni. It was effectively the end of the friendship. One queen bee then turned the others against her for spurious reasons.

Sort of, yes. I mean, I try to avoid inviting people to my house, period, because I feel like I run a bloody hotel already. We are the only friends and family who have a spare room, so we are the ones who always host.

But yes, I do cringe at the thought of inviting around new friends of dc, for instance, because we do 90% of the time get comments about the house. We definitely live in the 'big house' amongst everyone we know. There is a lot of 'wow, your house is huge!' 'oh my gosh, I can't believe this is your house', etc. I think they are just trying to be polite and make conversation and compliment us (it is a really beautiful house, I agree, I love it). But because it happens all the time, it just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I do get the sense people are trying to work out in their heads how we could afford a place like this. We've even gotten a few, so do you rent this?!

It's not so much a feeling of jealousy, but more just makes me feel quite under the spotlight and it's just quite awkward to know how to respond. And I hate feeling awkward, so yes, I do put off inviting dc's friends over if I know they'll have to come with their parents. Neither of us grew up living like we do now so it doesn't come naturally to know what to say to some of the comments.

Though dh was once doing some gardening, and a couple came walking through (we have a footpath through one field) and they assumed he was the gardener. After it became apparent, he didn't quite know what to say to correct them, so just said, yes, it's a lovely place and the new owners were lovely people. 😂

I get you OP. I own a 3 bed flat in London and have since I was 28. I have largely avoided having people over or even letting on that I own unless asked directly. It's an issue when some of my cohort are in flat shares and will be for many years yet, and other like me I have been able to buy, when on the surface we all earn similar etc.

It does creates issues and I see the looks on their faces when they realise/come over.

Well, exactly. People interpret other people's behaviour based on their own experiences. If you experience jealousy in a certain situation, you are more likely to assume other people must experience jealousy in the same situation. But that doesn't make it true. Believe it or not, what you see as "flimsy" can be the truth. Another example - plenty of people say they would not be jealous if a friend won the lottery. And plenty of people don't believe them because they can not comprehend how it is even possible for someone to not envy others.

I've lived on the 'nicest' house in the street, and it's a bit of an uncomfortable experience tbh. I'm much happier having a bog standard house similar to the neighbours.

It's all relative. I moved from a 2 bed flat to a 3 bed house.

Do I think that people who live in 2 bed flats will be jealous of me? No.

Am I jealous of friends who live in a 4 bed house? No.

But the house isn't the main factor.

Am I jealous of people who have a dishwasher? Yes.

Am I jealous of people with a cleaner? Absolutely!

Am I jealous of people who live in a nicely decorated, tidy house with a well kept garden - 100%!