Are you reluctant to invite people to your house, in case they're jealous ?

[orchidmummy]

I know this thread is so inflammatory, but I'm curious to understand if you ever think this ?

I've known a few very well off people who are very careful about who they let in their home because they've experienced negative consequences / being treated differently after people realised how well they live.

Do you think it's just in their head or is this actually a thing ?

If you're well off and live very nicely, do you ever hesitate to invite, say your children's school friends round, in case it creates jealousy and your kid ends up at a disadvantage?

My house is tiny and needs a lot of updating. We're pretty lazy and also enjoy family time more than decorating.

None of this speaks to how well off we are or aren't. We like our area and our house and the lifestyle it gives us because of what money is left over after paying for the house.

My uncle on the other hand is the flashiest person around. He LOVES to be flash and show off what he's got. Which, by the way, is nothing. But the way he behaves and lives is as if he has everything.

So I would never go round to anyone's house and be jealous of how well off they are. Because you don't know that purely from their house and decor.

On a slightly different angle i still remember a girl starting secondary school when we were about 13 and she fitted straight in with my friendship group. A month or 2 later she invited some of us to her house. We all jumped on her school bus home expecting a 3 bed semi like we generally all lived in l, but her house was practically a stately home with a half mile long driveway, parkland, indoor and outdoor pools, squash and tennis courts, stables, even an indoor riding arena. We were so shocked as nothing she had mentioned or the way she dressed, spoke or behaved suggested she was any different to us. I wonder if she felt apprehensive inviting us round that first time.

@orchidmummy yes I don't like to show people where I live. My brother invited his friend once and the friend's attitude completely change towards him. Trades people like to over charge you as well because they think you can afford it.

I once had a friend visit. She brought her best friend who hadn't been to my house along. The best friend decided to grab my friend's arm in my living room and said let's race. She then ran up and down my living room holding my friends arm. It was the most bizarre thing. The best friend lived in a very small council house (I have been before). We were in sixth form at the time so she was old enough to know better.

I wanted to invite my uni friends to my house but it never materialised. I realised it was the for the best as they seemed like very jealous people. What's interesting is that they had rich cousins. One of their cousins married a cricketer and lived in a mansion. But what I've realised is that they weren't friends to begin with.

My house is larger than most homes but I wouldn't say we live a lavish lifestyle. Most of house is falling apart and needs to be re done. But mainly people see how large our living room and kitchen is. It's a detached house on a private road.

My aunt lives in a modest house. What people don't realise is that she is a millionaire much richer than my family. She wasn't always rich and decided not to upsize. She doesn't tell friends/relatives what their jobs are. I wish my parents did the same because I feel it's caused lots of problems when people see the size of our house.

Ultimately jealousy is a natural emotion but it shouldn't mean we treat others badly because they have more money than us.

No. I’m reluctant to invite people in because I don’t really like people and I’m afraid they will stay!

I have a nice house though, and cool stuff. I like it better without guests.

Now I’ve thought about it I don’t think I even like it when people come to the door. I might need a new house where the neighbours are all far away.

I’m so sleep deprived I actually thought this was a new decor thing that I’ve missed and googled ‘crushed Ella k puff pattern in banana’ 😂

My grandmother was the type of person your friends were trying to avoid, OP. She was pretty nasty about people who lived well. Made some very rude comments about my PiL’s when I got married after she was invited around for a family get together.

She had a pretty hard life but did well for herself so I’m not sure what it was all about, but it was really sad and not nice to be around.

I had a friend who was a total cheapskate, when I went to his multimillion pound parents house, rightly or wrongly, I did make a different judgement of him than previously.

I think it would only be a humble brag if you were actually going around telling people that you were worried people would judge you cos your house was so expensive.

I don't believe my house to be fancy/expensive compared to me neighbors. We live in a nice/affluent area but have the smallest houses in the street. However, it's not exactly small (4 bed detached).

However, the reason this post caught my attention as I felt awkward/embarrassed (not sure of the right word) about it for the first time ever last week. My DDs friend came round for her first play date. She's recently relocate from a company well known to be in poverty and now lives here in a 2 bed ex-council flat with her mum and 2 siblings at the opposite end of town. I'm the last one to judge and don't think it makes them any lesser than us and I do not feel superior in the slightest.
However I was painfully aware of the difference as DD's friend looked around. They'd gone up to DD's room (double bed with en-suite) and her friend was assuming it was my bedroom and not believing Dd it was hers. She was genuinely confused at us having a couch in our dining kitchen as well as a separate lounge. I think what didn't help was my Dd was pretty tone deaf to it all and kept saying it was just "normal" and "it's not that big you should see [other friend's] house".

At that point I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. Obviously I've since had a discussion with Dd and she knows how lucky she is. But I did spend the rest of the evening worrying that we'd made DDs friend feel inferior

What an ugly thread

Same here, people would have to dodge the baskets of clean washing, paperwork & cat when they come to mine. I'm reluctant to invite anyone because it's a shit tip most of the time.

I’ve thankfully dodged a couple of toxic friendships because the relationship changed when they saw where I lived. To a genuine person it should be irrelevant if I lived in a caravan or a castle but a couple of potential friends had a noticeable change in attitude immediately after visiting my home for the first time, and not in an insecure way - in a ‘dammit i wanted to be the one with the biggest house’ way. Some people need their perceived wealth to be higher than their ‘friends’ to feel important, sad really. Generally though, no. I live in a ridiculously huge home but I hope my attitude makes people judge me for me, not where I happen to live at the moment!

Ok, as a family we don't fit the stereotype of the house we live in (it's not huge but we live in an affluent area where a small minority - including us - aren't, well, affluent lol). We are HA and are fortunate to have a decent sized home, but we don't advertise our space (I find it quite crass when people do the whole house one-up game - it's where I opt out) and see it as a fortunate bonus to share when have friends/family over. Yes, I have noticed that from meeting in the playground with our children to an arranged play date does come with the chance we will be treated differently 😕 I am still 'me', but some (not all, usually those whom have similar or 'better' are actually more down to earth) approach with the "I didn't realise your house was so big...your mortgage must be huge long pause as waits for £££...our house is ONLY insert size description, but we can't afford more...". Honestly it makes me uncomfortable and I fight to not share our past and present circumstances of how we ended up here 🙈 then we have the generous invitation to their house "oh its no where as lovely or big as yours...its ONLY a small 2 bedroom" 😞 to turn up and their house IS lovely, warm and like any other family home with family home stuff 🤷‍♀️ some people have more, some people have less but I like to share what we do have with those whom we care about.

I had a friend whom when I lived in a small 3 bed mid-terrace house, would visit often. She was one of my closer mum friends (I'm not overly socially confident) and we just clicked with common ground. Friends for a good 4 years! When our circumstances changed and we moved to a larger detatched property and her to a smaller property (smaller house but an area they desired, beautiful home, purchased outright) she became distant and when did visit would continuously comment on how our house was soooo much bigger and nicer, could never afford a place like it then would comment on our financial circumstances 🤢 it made me feel really uncomfortable and for some reason, guilty 😔 personally, I give no f on what people live in and have never felt jealous of someone's home (well, maybe a little when we were about to lose ours!) or apparent income - I think unless it's relevant, pushing for private info on expenditure is rude. When I lived in a more typical house, no one cared 😅 even the Tesco delivery driver "big 'ouse init, must cost ya bomb, must 'ave too much money burning ye pockets throws crate down", we don't own it, we rent, HA actually "oh right, hit jackpot didn't ya, very lucky starts talking about his mum's bungalow, also HA" suddenly we're chatting away and I'm being passed the crates by hand, 10 minutes on doorstep talking about shift work and off he goes with a "have a good one luv - tell ye hubby to pay a gardener, he missed a bit refering to the dandelions in the borders that seemed to appear overnight*" (had been talking about maintenance on the development) 😅

There are times I am reluctant to invite round but NOT because I am worried about whether they are acceptable 😅 but because the assumptions and being treated differently after affects some friendships (and for my children too). I hope I've explained well 🙈 I believe some people do judge on appearances (could be status, society?), even as much as they believe they don't 🙈

I have a nice house and it's quite big. I don't worry people will be jealous if they come round but I do find myself compulsively pointing out the things that need to be fixed and I have no idea why I do this.

People do judge though. And it can be random. I met someone who lives near me the other day and when she found out what house I live in she asked me if I live with my parents. I am trying to take this as a positive and that I look very young but I didn't really understand it

Very much relate 😔

I'm a millennial and live in London. Owning anything at all is seen as a feat. I have plenty of colleagues and friends who earn decently and still struggle to buy. I'm painfully aware of owning anything at all, even though we live in a small 3-bed terrace, never mind the size of the kitchen and all the bells and whistles. I have friends who are brilliant and successful and rent a tiny studio, and school friends in the area who work in the city and have extended their houses by as much as planning permissions allow. We never talk about the cost or size of houses because so much of it is down to timing, luck and priorities.

I remember being rather embarrassed when my DDs's friend's mother gave us a lift home and thought it was one of the small terraced houses (similar to their own), and I had to say no, it was the quite large detached one slightly further along. I do think she looked at me differently from then on, though it wasn't really manifested as anything concrete, and I certainly wasn't one of the wealthier parents at school, but unlike this woman, who had several businesses but did not care to put her money in her house, I did.
I do get house envy - but only because I love interior design and property. I don't get 'jealous', which is entirely different.

IME people treat you a lot better if you have a nice house that 'fits' their image of how you are as a person. I lived in a terrible house when my dc were very young, it was very shabby, water leak marks on the walls, very poorly decorated etc. People didn't want to visit me again once they had been to my house, and they definitely seemed to look down on me. It was a MASSIVE relief to move to a nice house, I felt people had more respect for me, which is really sad.

We have a big house and it’s just finally been fully renovated (it’s actually taken us 19years to finish it, a lot of it done ourselves, until teenagers and the menopause meant I CBA anymore). We’ve personally planted a 1/4acre plot, laid turf, decorated. We feel quite proud of our home because of what we’ve done together.

My kids, however, definitely do not invite mates home, despite going to a private school where some of their peers are super loaded (we’re not, every penny is in the house) for fear of being judged. My older teen has come home in tears in the past as a result of comments made by friends who’ve visited, who don’t have as much. She went through a phase of being very defensive and hypercritical of every single penny my DH spent on her because she had been guilted over her privilege - which there is no doubt she has.

I grew up in a SW London council flat, so I appreciate everything my DH and I have achieved, but have been surprised at how snide people can be - people with perfectly beautiful houses that they love! My Dh and I have just loved knocking down walls, choosing tiles and making a shabby old sow’s ear into our dream house, one we can enjoy until we need to downsize and release the money for our old age!

As a couple, we only invite really long term, close friends over now.

Maybe I haven't lived in any houses that are envy worthy, but I don't think it would ever occur to me not to invite someone in case they would be jealous? There's always someone who has more than you or something better, it seems a bit self absorbed to fear something like this? I do remember visiting a work colleague in hospital after she had a baby and she kept the curtains drawn because she was afraid the other mums would be jealous of her baby, which I thought was hilarious and assumed was just her hormones, but maybe people do really think this way? 😂

Yes, I have felt like this @orchidmummy - I have never invited an old school friend over, because there is a huge disparity in the course our lives/careers have taken and there was a period of time where we most touch. I have never worn designer labels or bought expensive cars and would happily go to Pizza Express for dinner with her in my clothes from H&M. Therefore, it would be perhaps a shock if she came over to mine, almost as if I had misrepresented myself to her - I appreciate this is largely in my head.
Although not entirely in my head, I have had a couple of people on separate occasions say “you live here?!” - not because it’s a stately home but it is a very nice, large and is probably incongruent to how I come across in real life.

forget inviting people over, I don't even tell them where I live! too many people wanting to get their grubby paws on my cookie stockpile

One of my DD's friends live in a mansion. We live in a 2 bed terrace. So they clearly didn't worry about that.

I do slightly know what you mean. DS has not long started school and I’ve asked a couple of his friends over.

Our house is nice, not a stately home but nice area, nicely done up. The mums have complimented it a lot, and made reference to their own homes implying they’re smaller etc. I care not at all. We haven’t been invited back by anyone yet and I hope it isn’t a factor.

It’s not quite the same as with friends as I don’t know them but wanted to help DSs social life along.