Shared Parental Leave. Am I being selfish?

[TheUndoing]

My DH gets 5 weeks paid paternity leave and also now wants to take a month’s Shared Parental Leave at the end of my maternity leave. I am finding the idea of having to go back to work sooner than anticipated really hard. AIBU?

Last month he was looking at changing job which would have meant he got no paternity leave at all (although he was hoping to negotiate for 2 weeks). He didn’t get the job, but his sudden enthusiasm for more time with the baby after being prepared to have very little seems to have come out of the blue. He will continue to look for a new role and I’m also worried about having to change plans at short notice and mess my employer around if he does change job.

SPL will be financially advantageous but we’re fortunate enough to be able to afford it either way.

I also admit I feel resentful about having to do all the shit bits of having a baby - I haven’t enjoyed pregnancy, I’m scared of birth and he hasn’t been particularly sympathetic - and now he wants to swan in and demand “my” leave. I know that’s an awful, selfish way of feeling though. I think the timing of his leave will also mean he gets to look after a baby that’s weaned, sleeping better etc. after I do all the graft of the newborn stage.

We discussed it last night and he’s now not speaking to me and slamming doors. I feel like just agreeing to him having the leave for the sake of ending the argument, but the idea really upsets me.

He doesn't want paternity leave for parental reasons, that's the problem.

I had my babies just before this came in and I hate the idea. I needed a year to recover from the whirlwind and putting routines in place etc, the thought of dh swanning in for the last month to take the fun bit would annoy me too. It is like the one benefit women get and men take that too. If the woman wants to go back to work then that’s different. I get that my view likely won’t be popular but there you go.

I think you should have all the leave you want.

Why can't he take annual leave? I think he wanted the new job but didn't get it, two weeks paternity didn't bother him then, so isn't fully happy where he is so is now looking for ways to not be at work

Whilst it’s good to get these decisions sorted, you need to look after yourself, stressing about what leave he’s going to take even before baby is here isn’t going to help. Everyone is scared about giving birth, that’s only natural, he doesn’t understand.

Agree YANBU. IMO it should be for the mother to decide. However, there are upsides- he will have a much clearer view of all it entails and that it isn’t at all an easier alternative to working. Which should pay off in the long run. Can you get him to commit to stopping job hunting at least? So that you have certainty and can plan with your employer - if this is what he wants to do there is no switching jobs. You may well feel a bit differently when the time comes as well - yes baby might be more settled but might also be in the middle of a growth spurt and not at all so. It’s not a straight line to easy settled baby.

”My partner won’t do his share of work with the children.”
Mumsnet: Men are selfish bastards

“My partner wants to take (a very small bit of) shared leave to be involved with the baby.”

Mumsnet: Men are selfish bastards

Men taking a bigger role in their children’s lives is very beneficial for the children. Maybe think about that!

Changing plans with short notice for you to return to work surely won't work as you have to give notice to your employer if you change return date. And him not being sure if he even has this current job once SPL would start is just too up in the air. I wouldn't accommodate his want for SPL in your circumstances.

Has he got five weeks at the beginning? That’s good.

I’d feel the same way as you about how he’s timed it. But also if he’s going to use shared parental leave he can’t take that month at any other time can he, because that would mean you going back to work for a month? So really this is the only feasible time he can take it. Ultimately, however, it’s about what works for you and should be about supporting you and baby.

My friend has sliced up her maternity with parental leave because she wanted some of her months in the summer period to enjoy going out and about with her son.

He needs to grow up from his stroppy behaviour but the bit that really worries me about your post is the lack of sympathy your dh has had to your pregnancy condition.

You might find by the time that time comes around you'll be glad of the break to get back a bit sooner. If this is a thing now and people are entitled to it, I think it needs to be a discussion with reasons for and against. You just shutting him down and saying no isn't a reason. But why does he want to do it? Does he think he's getting a plain sailing month off work, or he genuinely wants to spend a month with the baby that he will never have that chance again.

Personally, if this was a thing when mine were little I'd have encouraged my DH to take the month, but all relationships and reasons are different I get that.

That's not what's happened though. He's sulking because he hasn't got his own way.

You should take the leave if you want it. It’s certainly a problem that you don’t trust his reasons for wanting the leave.

I’m taking 6 months, then 4 weeks leave, and DP will take the remaining 6 months. This works for us financially (I’m the bigger earner) - but I also trust that he genuinely wants to parent.

It’s true that he’ll get the better time (better weather and a more responsive, older baby). But I think it’s important for him (and us, and equality) to learn to care for the baby solo.

However, if it comes to the end of my 6 months and I’m not ready to go back to work, I will take however much more I want. We’ve discussed this and he understands. It would be a financial hit and a blow for him, but he understands that my emotional and physical well-being will be the priority.

That said, I truly hope it works out the way we’ve planned! It will be great to be truly equal parents.

In the kindest way, you don't need a year to settle a baby. I couldn't afford to stay off work longer than 7 months, my kids are fine. My H took 8 weeks SPL both times and it was an eye opener for him and has meant a better relationship with his kids and a better understanding of children's needs.

Don’t forget that in most jobs you accrue annual leave so get more than a year off with the baby. When my DH took shared parental we overlapped with my al for a couple of weeks then he did a few weeks as I was returning to work.

It was so much better returning with the baby with DH rather than having to also settle them into nursery etc as I did with my previous children, also got to really enjoy the last weeks of mat leave with him around.

As other posters have said, excellent way to not be the ‘expert in the baby’ as well.

Can't he not just take 4 weeks parental leave instead and be off with you? If you can afford it.
Are you sure shared parental leave will be better financially? Unless his company has a very generous scheme... Under the statutory regime if he takes the last month it will be on no pay just like it would have been for you (assuming 12 months leave).

My husband took six months of parental leave, for financial reasons. I don’t know any other dads off two daughters who have a better relationship with their daughters (now 12 and 14) and I’m sure this helped. If this is your first child, don’t be so sure that you’ll have all the sleeping and routines sorted by then. Whatever reasons he may have for wanting that time, it will probably end up being very positive for your family.

This a million times over. If I could be bothered I’d make a note of OP’s username and then check back in a few months about how she doesn’t have an involved other half for her baby.

I'd see it as a chance to focus on work while dh picks up pretty much everything at home. It's a great reset before you're both back. We did similar and it was great to come home after work and not need to do a load of other stuff and it meant when he returned he just got on with things far more than before. Made things much more equal. You can make it work but he has to step up!

Like @Nellodee its also been incredibly beneficial for their relationship. He went part time when dd was little and, again, on his day I just let him get on with it. Yes, he forgot nappies or a drink a few times, but he sorted it out and learnt from it. I was at the other end of the country working so 🤷‍♀️

I say all the time on here I think shared leave should be the norm.

Yes it sucks to go back to work a month earlier than you would otherwise.

But (if you have a decent partner) the benefits outweigh the negatives-

You will not be the default parent. Your husband won't be one of those dads who is great at playing with the baby but has no clue what their routine is, when they go for naps, how to settle them, what to feed them, how to pack a bag for a day out. You only need to read mumsnet to see how common this is - partly down to shit men, but some of it is they have never had the responsibility of doing all this on their own before.

The baby will settle equally for you, or him and this is likely to continue as they get older. It's not that common for a child who's fallen over to want their mum or their dad equally

You both understand each others perspectives a lot more eg understand the real impact of the worker just popping out for a few drinks after work

He will do the settling in at nursery while you settle back into work. Both of those things are stressful and can be upsetting and you only have to focus on one of them.

Men who take a share of the parental leave spend a lot more time alone with the baby and are studies have shown they are much more likely to be equal parents eg do more of the mental load and chores are split more equally

By all means say no, but be aware you will more likely be one of the majority who's 'husband forgets to put suncream on the baby' or similar, or can't go out because your toddler will only settle for you

I'd caution this all only works if your husband is a decent human. And not supporting you through pregnancy and not talking to you and slamming doors is NOT a good sign

Shared leave is also complicated as it's more difficult for you to tack on holiday to the end (as his has to be taken before the 12 months is up). Depending on when your annual leave year is, and when your mat leave is due to start this can be a pain. An alternative is, if you can afford it, he takes a month of leave (I think it's parental leave, the one that can be taken unpaid in blocks til your child is 18) after your mat leave has finished. It's pretty much the same thing trom his point of view but means you don't need to cut your leave short

Thanks very much for the opinions. I do completely recognise that wanting him to be an active, involved father and standing is his way of shared leave is rank hypocrisy on my part.

He’s already muttering than if “I want to do everything for the baby whilst he just provides, that’s just fine” so I see that not accommodating his desire for leave is not setting us up for an equal parenting relationship down the line.

I think he put my back up with how he addressed it (came in from a work dinner at midnight and told me someone from his work HR would give me a call to tell me how to fill in the forms correctly to accommodate his leave). But I think I need to get over my initial shock at my perception of his changed desires, and look at the long term benefits. I have been really looking forward to mat leave after not loving pregnancy, but maybe I won’t enjoy mat leave as much as I expect either!

he’s now not speaking to me and slamming doors

Most people seem to have missed this. It’s a pathetic, aggressive, bullying way to punish OP for having reservations about his new plan. He’s not the type to use parental leave to bond with his baby.

OP, I’m assuming this isn’t the first time he’s reacted like this?

I'm going back after 9 months because I can't do unpaid leave! A couple months ago the thought of putting him in nursery made me cry. Now I think he'll be ready but just wish didn't have to be full time.

I can tell you now though, they may not be weaned or sleeping better! Mine still won't sleep more than 2 hours at a time at night. DH is well aware when I go back we're splitting the night wakings. Mine is good with food but I know some are still very resistant and messy.

I think you’re being a bit unfair - you will have 11 months maternity leave plus annual leave. That’s more than enough to recover and spend with the baby. It’s not dads fault they can’t give birth and it’s their baby too.

My 2 DC are 17 and 14 now so SPL didn't exist when they were babies. However DH and I arranged for him to have a month with each DC before they went to nursery.

It's been amazing. No default parent in our house. Both DC know they can go to either parent, equally, about anything.

The bond between the DC and their Dad is amazing. I love it.

Could you share the leave and take some of your accrued annual leave while he's off to have some time together as a family when the baby is an older baby?