Shared Parental Leave. Am I being selfish?

[TheUndoing]

My DH gets 5 weeks paid paternity leave and also now wants to take a month’s Shared Parental Leave at the end of my maternity leave. I am finding the idea of having to go back to work sooner than anticipated really hard. AIBU?

Last month he was looking at changing job which would have meant he got no paternity leave at all (although he was hoping to negotiate for 2 weeks). He didn’t get the job, but his sudden enthusiasm for more time with the baby after being prepared to have very little seems to have come out of the blue. He will continue to look for a new role and I’m also worried about having to change plans at short notice and mess my employer around if he does change job.

SPL will be financially advantageous but we’re fortunate enough to be able to afford it either way.

I also admit I feel resentful about having to do all the shit bits of having a baby - I haven’t enjoyed pregnancy, I’m scared of birth and he hasn’t been particularly sympathetic - and now he wants to swan in and demand “my” leave. I know that’s an awful, selfish way of feeling though. I think the timing of his leave will also mean he gets to look after a baby that’s weaned, sleeping better etc. after I do all the graft of the newborn stage.

We discussed it last night and he’s now not speaking to me and slamming doors. I feel like just agreeing to him having the leave for the sake of ending the argument, but the idea really upsets me.

Are you sure it will be financially advantageous? My understanding is you don't get more pay, you just share what's already available ie 6 weeks OMP, 33 weeks SMP, 12 weeks nothing. If you've been off for the first 39 weeks, using up all the paid element, and then you share the last 12 weeks either being simultaneously or consecutively, you both share the zero pay.

We did this. I was off until 39 weeks post partum and then DP was off for 12 weeks unpaid as I'm the higher earner. His works maternity leave policy is quite generous but he only got the 2 weeks paternity leave paid because I'd used up all the paid element

You need to check this very carefully if you're relying on it being paid

This is a reason why men should just get their own parental leave that is longer than 2 weeks. That way, women don’t feel like their maternity leave is shortened due to it or outright won’t allow their partners to share it which does seem like a shame because men are criticised all of the time for not doing their faire share and it would make it more equal from the start.

Just re-read your post and missed the bit about your partners job.

I think to share your leave you need to be certain he would be taking it to take care of and/or bond with baby. It isn't a month for a long holiday!

If he is doing it for the right reasons then I would definitely go ahead - the benefits will be huge!

If the baby isn’t born yet then it’s impossible to know how best to divide leave.

What your DH is suggesting makes financial sense. As long as he understands that being on paternity leave means lions share of child care, housework, meal planning, shopping and cooking. Along with the mental load and getting baby settled into day care.

Leaves you free to get back in to your job.

I live somewhere maternity leave is much shorter so I find the idea of "needing" a whole year quite odd. It's entirely culturally constructed.

I went back to work when my first baby was 7 months old (which was already considered a long maternity leave here) and my husband took a month off to do solo childcare before our son went to the childminder full time.

It has made a huge difference to our parenting relationship. I'm not the default parent. I can go out for the evening, or away for the weekend, or even on a week long business trip, and know that everything is fine at home with my husband in charge. The only thing I can do which he can't is breastfeed.

Your maternity leave will come to an end eventually, whether it's after 3 months or 11 months or one year or two years. Most of your children's childhood will take place when you are not on maternity leave. And if your husband is an equal parent for that time, you will have a much easier and nicer life.

I definitely credit my husband taking that month alone with our son for the fact that is so hands on with our kids, does the majority of nursery drop offs and pick ups, and is just as likely to take the time off when one of our kids is sick.

Then it makes financial sense that he shares the parental leave.

I did this with my DH. I returned to work at 7 months and he took a month parental leave.

Mumsnet is full of examples of men that won't step up to parent and yet here we have a man that does want to.

Yes you have to do the "shit bit" of carrying the baby but that's not his fault!

I think you're letting emotion get the better of you and you owe your DH an apology. Slamming doors is childish but I can completely see why he did it oit of frustration as YABU.

honestly let him have a month being the family domestic servant, it really levels the playing field. Otherwise you risk being stuck as the default parent and maid because he’s never had to do it alone

Hi OP

Sorry just adding to this. Sorry for multiple threads

Worth checking the small print re pay. You are usually only entitled to 39 weeks of pay, and the clock starts ticking on your first day of maternity leave, finishing at 9 months.

This means months 10-12 are normally unpaid, unless your partners employer specifies that they will be paid.

Just double check that as you may find he isn't entitled to full pay unless it is within the first 39 weeks. This is the case with my partners employer, hence him taking months 7-9 so we reap the financial benefit!

He hasn't been supportive in pregnancy. He presented it as a sign this form because it's happening type if scenario. He is slamming doors and trying to bully you into it. He is threatening to leave all baby care to you, if you don't agree. It seems to be all about him and no concern for you, as a new mum,or baby. He doesn't sound great OP. I'm sorry you are having this stress.

I disagree. It's for both parents to choose what they feel comfortable with.

His employer can offset any maternity pay you receive against what they offer so his time off may or may not be paid. You only get up to 50 weeks leave to share and up to 37 weeks pay to share so you'd need to double check his employers shared parental leave/pay T&Cs

Best way to solve this in my opinion is to request he start the progesterone only pill for nine months, push a watermelon out of his arse and ask to be put on an oxytocin drip and then with all things being equal he can have the shared leave. 😂😉

This, this, this.

This post and the replies shows that men really will be hated no-matter what they do - there’s quite literally no winning.

This. People are missing the huge red flags this man is waving.

I think losing a bit of maternity leave won’t negatively affect your bond or experience with the baby, and you might even be glad to get back to work. But taking care of the baby on his own for a month could really mean a lot for your DH and his relationship with the baby and understanding of what caregiving entails.

THis

Mine very much was. DH said from the outset he would be happy to take SPL and he would have done it for all the right reasons. But as far as he was concerned it was my leave to decide to share by going back to work early, it wasn't his to assume.

I didn't want to give up any of my leave so I didn't.

Didn't in any way affect how involved a parent DH was and is. He knew all the routines as much as I did because he was there all weekend and from about 6pm every day plus holidays

Yeah. I mean it’s great that this is a thing. Really it is.

…but hell would have frozen over before I gave part of my precious mat leave to my husband, to be honest 😬

SPL is the best thing I ever did. Your baby with be with their father and it will be great bonding time. It’s a gentle return to work as you know your child will be cared for by their father.

Just look at all the women on here who moan that their husbands can’t pack a bag, feed the child, sort out everyday stuff. It’s because they have never had sole care of the child. Women aren’t born with this skill, everyone learns through experience. He needs to learn how to do things in his own otherwise you will forever be the primary carer who takes the mental load and does all the boring stuff.

By the end of your maternity leave he’ll have realised what it’s actually like to have a baby, you’ll have become default parent, and he’ll have changed his mind about taking SPL.

I agree there are red flags here: the announcing it and expecting his own way, the slamming doors, the way he seems to only want time off because he didn't get the other job, so he is not happy in his job.

However, if you are happy and sure that the relationship is at heart good for you, then I think he needs TWO months at home with the baby, if it can be organised financially. With baby at home, not in childcare.

One month is not going to be enough for him to truly step up and do everything around the house.
He may just leave all the things that can be left for four weeks, like dusting, gardening, re-stocking kitchen and cleaning supplies, ensuring baby has the next size of clothes or nappies, clearing out old baby clothes, buying age-appropriate toys, etc.
Plus there is more chance in two months baby will have a truly bad cold for him to deal with. He needs to know what it is like.

When the time comes, make sure he knows he will be a stay-at-home househusband, not just on a holiday with a bit of babysitting.

Plus you will then have two months to re-establish your status in your workplace with no worries about having to take time off for a sick child.

Two months may seem like a hell of a long time to give up, but you will reap the benefits ten-fold in a far more equal parenting relationship for the next two decades.

Keep an eye on the long view. You don't want to end up being the 'default parent' whilst still having to work full time.

Maternity leave isn’t payback for pushing out a baby. It drive me bonkers that women who choose to have children because they want them then expect their partner to be eternally grateful to them for going through pregnancy and birth. It was something you wanted to do; it wasn’t a selfless act of service to your partner.

I don’t see any downsides for the baby, and a lot of positives for him/her to have that time with their dad.