Shared Parental Leave. Am I being selfish?

[TheUndoing]

My DH gets 5 weeks paid paternity leave and also now wants to take a month’s Shared Parental Leave at the end of my maternity leave. I am finding the idea of having to go back to work sooner than anticipated really hard. AIBU?

Last month he was looking at changing job which would have meant he got no paternity leave at all (although he was hoping to negotiate for 2 weeks). He didn’t get the job, but his sudden enthusiasm for more time with the baby after being prepared to have very little seems to have come out of the blue. He will continue to look for a new role and I’m also worried about having to change plans at short notice and mess my employer around if he does change job.

SPL will be financially advantageous but we’re fortunate enough to be able to afford it either way.

I also admit I feel resentful about having to do all the shit bits of having a baby - I haven’t enjoyed pregnancy, I’m scared of birth and he hasn’t been particularly sympathetic - and now he wants to swan in and demand “my” leave. I know that’s an awful, selfish way of feeling though. I think the timing of his leave will also mean he gets to look after a baby that’s weaned, sleeping better etc. after I do all the graft of the newborn stage.

We discussed it last night and he’s now not speaking to me and slamming doors. I feel like just agreeing to him having the leave for the sake of ending the argument, but the idea really upsets me.

I'd let him do it . I reckon he thinks it's a jolly .. shock incoming !

I haven't read all 5 pages of the thread so not sure if somebody has mentioned this already but he can take parental leave without it impacting you're maternity leave:

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

Up to 4 weeks per year per child, it's unpaid but if finances aren't a factor maybe suggest this instead?

Why don’t you have the final month together? Go on a lovely holiday or something? That way he shares the workload.

Comes across as a selfish and entitled attitude

Quoting the law at your spouse it always a good way to come to an agreement. Your relationship and your family are more important than petty bureaucracy.

I’m referring to a married couple who presumably love each other and their child working through a compromise that suits both their wishes of parenting and finances.

No, I don’t bring up legislation during disagreements with my husband. Shocking.

There’s no ‘done deal’ just because a HR person talks her through the ins and outs of the forms. It’s helpful as the admin can be confusing.

I think if he genuinely wants to help then good .If however he is using it as an excuse to get extra holiday he may be in for a shock!Slamming doors is childish .If today hes calmer then maybe have a chat.In the long term hes bonding with baby may be good.If however you want and expect to have your maximum off then tell him it does not work for you

OP mentioned that they can’t swing unpaid leave financially.

I've not done that though? I corrected the pp who said it wasn't ops leave. It is literally ops leave, thats why its called maternity leave.

its not automatically his right to shared leave, as much as he might assume it is given the way he announced it (guessing its ok though for the DH to announce it and not have a discussion 🙄)

As I said I was just correcting the pp who said it wasn't ops leave as if that meant the DH was automatically entitled to it. He's not.

Then a poster said that's not how marriages work, which wasnt really relevant to my point (which, again, was just correcting the inaccurate information)

Can't he take unpaid parental leave for a month when you go back to work?

I don't think YABU as I think the mother and father should be entitled to leave and not need to share.

My DH was and is amazing but I'm not giving up a month of my 52 weeks after i carried birthed and fed a baby for the best part of 2 years.

I did offer with our 3rd but he wasn't interested as he said it was mine

Agree its a shitty catch 22....

At no point did I say it was a service to anyone…I think you read what you wanted to rather than what was written, women have to go through a lot postpartum, depression, tears in the nether region, thyroid failure etc etc they shouldn’t have to negotiate their leave with anyone if they don’t want too!

At no point did I say it was a service to anyone…I think you read what you wanted to rather than what was written, women have to go through a lot postpartum, depression, tears in the nether region, thyroid failure etc etc they shouldn’t have to negotiate their leave with anyone if they don’t want too!

He probably assumed OP would be happy for him to have this time to bond with baby after all.

I read the opening post as he was hoping to negotiate as much leave as possible if he changed jobs. Now he’s staying put, he still wants as much time as possible with the baby.

I can see where he got the idea that they’d already discussed it and just needed to do the paperwork.

The communication was childish, but there are discussions and there are DISCUSSIONS. We don’t know which one they had.

He may also see the SPL as a good time to fire off a few job applications while baby’s sleeping and going to nursery.

Sharing parental leave is be beneficial to you and the father’s relationship with the child. Me and dh accidentally shared PL 15 years ago as he got made redundant towards the end of my matleave. Im convinced that is why I have never been default parent.

your problems are:
We discussed it last night and he’s now not speaking to me and slamming doors.
And
He’s already muttering than if “I want to do everything for the baby whilst he just provides, that’s just fine” so I see that not accommodating his desire for leave is not setting us up for an equal parenting relationship down the line.

ignoring you and slamming doors in your first pregnancy over a demand, rather than a discussion, is a massive concern.

him threatening you with he will do no parenting if you do not accommodate his demand is a concern.

sharing the leave is a positive thing. His attitude is problematic.

More than deserve it. Adoptions take a lot of love, patience and time. You need that time to reassure your child that they are home and safe and all the rest of it. ❤️

My husband took two months shared parental leave at the end of both my maternity leaves and honestly it was the best thing we did for our family. It meant that my husband took responsibility for everything childcare related whilst I settled back into work only having to worry about getting myself out the door in the morning. It meant that he developed a much fuller understanding of what being a parent involves and as a result is still a really hands on Dad who easily does half the work in our home. I'd really recommend doing this to any new Mum. I also chuckle at the idea that when you have a 10 or 11 month old the hard bit is over and you're on to the easy bit. When I went back to work after DC1 he was still waking 3-4 times a night and planning ahead to make sure he had the right bottles, meals and snacks when out and about was much trickier than just sticking him on the boob!

I would want my DH to want to take up the offer of shared maternity leave.

So many dads think the babies aren’t their responsibility and they get to swan off to work every day and it can make the mother really resentful.

You are getting a lot more time off than him still and so I would see this as a positive thing.

I can't believe how aggressive the men in here are about birthing mothers!!!! Shocking! Saying maternity is not payback for pushing out a baby!!! My god, it's to recover from pushing out a baby! He says it's entitled? Do u not realise how entitled you are telling women maternity leave is not theirs to own??? I've heard it all now. Men truly are trampling over women's hard fought rights!!

I’m not a man.

Men can take as much time off with a baby as they want. Just organise your own time off, don't take mothers Maternity time!!! FGS

Why trying to erode MATERNITY then ???

You do realise fathers can be caregivers too?

No one is trying to 'erode' maternity leave, but it is great many people have the option to take shared parental leave if they so wish.

The woman may inevitably take more to aid her recovery, but for equality, it is nice men have the option to take some leave too, unless you feel mothers should always be the primary caregiver?

Getting paid time off for a year and job protection while you're off is now a right!

Preach it sister, Jesus Christ 🤣