Shared Parental Leave. Am I being selfish?

[TheUndoing]

My DH gets 5 weeks paid paternity leave and also now wants to take a month’s Shared Parental Leave at the end of my maternity leave. I am finding the idea of having to go back to work sooner than anticipated really hard. AIBU?

Last month he was looking at changing job which would have meant he got no paternity leave at all (although he was hoping to negotiate for 2 weeks). He didn’t get the job, but his sudden enthusiasm for more time with the baby after being prepared to have very little seems to have come out of the blue. He will continue to look for a new role and I’m also worried about having to change plans at short notice and mess my employer around if he does change job.

SPL will be financially advantageous but we’re fortunate enough to be able to afford it either way.

I also admit I feel resentful about having to do all the shit bits of having a baby - I haven’t enjoyed pregnancy, I’m scared of birth and he hasn’t been particularly sympathetic - and now he wants to swan in and demand “my” leave. I know that’s an awful, selfish way of feeling though. I think the timing of his leave will also mean he gets to look after a baby that’s weaned, sleeping better etc. after I do all the graft of the newborn stage.

We discussed it last night and he’s now not speaking to me and slamming doors. I feel like just agreeing to him having the leave for the sake of ending the argument, but the idea really upsets me.

Because too many people are saying you should share?

Reply to comff - if 2 weeks is not enough time off for you, then fine, sort something out. Take unpaid leave or holiday time. My last son was born and because I was self employed and could take NO time off, I was doing the school run and taking my son to work with me within 4 hrs of giving birth. I had to do it. It was 15 yrs ago but i just got on with it.

The undoing - I totally understand. So many people telling u to move aside and give the men a go! Please enjoy your pregnancy and do not let anyone take away your special time xx

I did SPL with my OH because I recognise if I don’t want the burden of default parenting I need to acknowledge I can’t have all the benefits regardless. However, your DH sounds like an arse.

@Sharkattack1888 you really are from a different planet!

No, not at all. I wanted to have a conversation with him about the fact I think I’ve been emotional and unreasonable! I won’t pretend I now magically love the idea of giving up some time with the baby, but I know I’m being unfair in feeling that way and want to talk though how we can make SPL work. (I’m not quite sure how he thinks he can get full pay, or what it means for my accrued A/L for example)

Does that mean women who don’t breastfeed are less entitled to leave? I did SPL with my OH and we made it work around breast feeding, however the reality is most women don’t breastfeed in this country past a few months so in reality mum is no more useful to the child than dad.

@TheUndoing

Wishing you all the best and you definitely need to do what works for you. Everyone's situation is different.

Definitely get your partner to double check the small print as usually you are only entitled to 39 weeks pay which starts the day you start maternity. Some employer policies can override this, but it is rare.

It shouldn't impact on you taking accrued AL. You will accrue AL for the months you are off and should be able to tag them on to the end of your maternity leave.

Hope you reach a decision that works for you both!

Does he often use tactics like the silent treatment and slamming doors when he’s not getting what he wants and wants to punish you?

Of course they can. It’s a special time for both parents, to care for and bond with their baby.

You don’t need a year to physically recover from giving birth. That’s mental.

After complications from my second birth it took me almost 2 years to get close to normal so it can take a year and there's no way of knowing what sort of birth you will have unfortunately.

That being said I do think splitting maternity leave can be a great idea. My brother and his wife did it so that their little one and my SIL could have a slower progression back into work/starting nursery and it worked so well for them. They also had a few weeks while she used her AL all together as a family which I think is lovely.

Honestly, I'd let him do it. It might save your relationship in the long-term if you establish equality in terms of parenting early on.

Gosh, that sounds terrible for you, I’m so sorry, I hope you’re feeling g better now?

You're right of course, on rare occasions child birth can be traumatic to the extent that long periods of recovery are needed. In truly exceptional cases, women die. However, I think for the purposes of arguement it’s reasonable to base the discussion on normal experience, which is to say that the vast majority of women could return to work reasonably soon after childbirth if needed (I’m not saying this is desirable).

Yes it is a family decision, I quite agree.

If you had read the post I quoted, I was referring to the fact that the poster had said it would be selfish not to share the leave.

We cannot have a narrative where women are branded selfish for not wanting to share their maternity leave. If it’s right for their family, great, more power to them. But it’s not “selfish” not to share it.

Men can go and fight for their own rights here. Not just try and take ours. Oh hey that’s familiar isn’t it..

By the way OP your husband is an arsehole man child regardless of the SPL debate. He wants it for the wrong reasons. Stay strong

Mum can’t unilaterally decide If Dad using SPL is right for the family. Dad is part of the family and gets a say.

ew pick me.

Regards to being selfish - perhaps...perhaps not. It depends whether you think that leave was all yours to begin with or is/should be 50:50 for you both to spend time with the baby. We split my leave 50:50 for financial and career reasons and it really helped the bond between DH and baby. My DH is so invested in parenting because he felt like an equal partner. I was sad to lose my leave but my mindset, in hindsight, is that it was ours to share....and me demanding it all would be depriving DH of that closeness. They'll be people who jump on the healing thing and that mums need a full year etc but depends on your circumstances- many women feel they need a few years to recover! I was healed and could work from home most of the time so could breastfeed and have cuddles. Your partner only wants a month. It could be quite a gift to him and your baby- and it's an investment too as childcare will be genuinely a joint responsibility and you can do days out by yourself without worrying whether he can cope.

Posters on this thread have a really low view of men - it’s really quite depressing.

SPL would actually have worked well for our family as I’m the higher earner and couldn’t afford to take the whole year off. However as it wasn’t a thing when DS was born DH just got his fortnight at the beginning and nothing more.

In no way did it prevent him from being a hands-on parent to our child - they have a wonderful bond and he’s an excellent dad. (He actually went part time when I went back to work so he was able to cover childcare two of the days I was at work).

It’s wild that posters are basically saying that if you don’t give your partner some of your maternity leave you will end up being the default parent! If your DH isn’t a hands-on or involved parent that’s on him - stop blaming women for certain men’s inadequacies.

Thankfully the real world is full of great dads who don’t feel the need to bully their wives into giving up part of their maternity leave in order to be a caring and involved father.

There are countless ways in which dads can bond with their children and they have 18 years in which to build that relationship.
Acknowledging the importance of the mother in the first year of a child’s life doesn’t mean that the father isn’t of equal importance in the overall scheme of things. Any men who do think this must be quite insecure, I think.

Totally agree that you don't 'need' SPL for your partner to be hands on.

I had 13 months maternity leave with my first (no SPL) yet my partner and I parent as a true partnership.

However I do think it will go someway to 'help' establishing equality in the parenting relationship. Not only that, but it can allow women to get back to work sooner if they so wish, with may/may not have broader implications on the gender pay gap/overall progression, I would imagine.

Exactly.

We didn't use SPL but I went back to work at 12 weeks and I'm doing the same this time. It's a similar thing, going back to work earlier means I'm not the default parent. It's an easy trap many but not all parents fall into which can then be hard to change.

I hope you're also expecting him to apologise for being emotional, unreasonable and using the silent treatment/slamming doors.

That's no way to treat your partner, particularly when she's pregnant with your child.

Do you thinking stomping in at midnight from drinks saying ok I’m going to take a month of your leave here are the forms for you to fill in is.. adults agreeing together?

He's the one who decided he was taking a month of it without even discussing it with OP then had a strop and has been ignoring her because she expressed some concerns.