Shared Parental Leave. Am I being selfish?

[TheUndoing]

My DH gets 5 weeks paid paternity leave and also now wants to take a month’s Shared Parental Leave at the end of my maternity leave. I am finding the idea of having to go back to work sooner than anticipated really hard. AIBU?

Last month he was looking at changing job which would have meant he got no paternity leave at all (although he was hoping to negotiate for 2 weeks). He didn’t get the job, but his sudden enthusiasm for more time with the baby after being prepared to have very little seems to have come out of the blue. He will continue to look for a new role and I’m also worried about having to change plans at short notice and mess my employer around if he does change job.

SPL will be financially advantageous but we’re fortunate enough to be able to afford it either way.

I also admit I feel resentful about having to do all the shit bits of having a baby - I haven’t enjoyed pregnancy, I’m scared of birth and he hasn’t been particularly sympathetic - and now he wants to swan in and demand “my” leave. I know that’s an awful, selfish way of feeling though. I think the timing of his leave will also mean he gets to look after a baby that’s weaned, sleeping better etc. after I do all the graft of the newborn stage.

We discussed it last night and he’s now not speaking to me and slamming doors. I feel like just agreeing to him having the leave for the sake of ending the argument, but the idea really upsets me.

Actually, men can't. Paternity leave is very poor in this country. Men have babies and are expected to go back to work 2 weeks later as if everything was the same.

This is why there is shared parental leave so men can take longer, but it will decrease the length of a woman's maternity leave.

Do you not understand how SPL works?

No one is trying to erode maternity leave. Don’t be ridiculous.

Men getting some leave as well is a good thing for equality, not a bad thing.

Man keen to be involved with new baby, is shut out and is now angry.

Is that surprising?

It’s not “her” baby”, it’s “theirs”!

Don't be daft, @Maelil01

His behaviour is alarming and abusive.

Except he didn't care about being involved at all if he'd have got the job with no paternity leave.

And he's still looking for a new job so it's likely he won't get pat leave there either.

So keen......

He's the father, you're getting loads of leave so let him have some time on his own with the baby. Anything else is selfish. Can't blame him for being ticked off with you.

Hmm I’m in two minds about this. On the one hand there’s no guarantee your baby will be ‘easy’ by 9 months. In my view the newborn phase although knackering is ‘easier’ baby wise although of course you are recovering/hormones etc. However don’t give ip
any of your precious maternity leave to him if you’re not totally on board. Just tell him no.

How? I got two weeks.

In case it’s not obvious to you; two weeks was not anywhere close to ‘as much time off with baby as I wanted’.

This isn’t about equality at all, from the way this post is framed this isn’t about the baby at all either. He was looking for a new job and didn’t get it (you have to ask why… didn’t like his current job perhaps?), so he didn’t get the new job and now wants another month off in addition to his five weeks off (in his current job which is he looking to change), in the new job he was only get two weeks off and he was prepared to accept this... If he hates his job that much he should get accept anything that comes his way…

I did shared parental leave and personally found it beneficial for all of us. I took 7 months, husband 5. I was able to go back to work without worrying about child care and experience “the working parent role” and he got to experience the “stay at home” role.

Few years on we have decided that I’ll stay at home, DH gets that it’s not a piece of cake staying and that it’s mentally draining at times.

personally I would look into it more, but not just give him one month. The split should be more equal and as the responsible parent he does the shit stuff along with the good stuff. It’s not “leave” to fuck about on the PlayStation, it’s parental responsibility.

Fuck right off with this.

A woman exercising her legal right to maternity leave is not selfish if she decides she doesn’t want to share it with her husband. This is bullshit.

You can take parental leave at the same time as your maternity leave. I did that with my first baby. Having DH around for the first 3 months really helped, and I enjoyed the family time.
It is your decision though and it's not selfish if you're wanting the extra month with baby before returning to work.

Just curious how much leave do adoptive mums get ?

@ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife - If a couple are eligible for shared parental leave, then why shouldn't they take it?

I really don't understand.

@ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife

Just to add, I do understand it isn't financially viable for a lot of couples, but if it is, surely it is a non-brainer and goes someway to establishing equality when it comes to parenting?

"Men have babies and ate expected to go back to work after 2 weeks" no women have babies and their bodies take months to get back to normal.

@Sharkattack1888 So an egg can be fertilised on its own, without male sperm?

Ok.

@Sharkattack1888 You have also ignored my point about how SPL works, and you clearly don't understand how babies are made either.

Oh dear.

And to the poster who said" I think you do not think men can be caregivers" I don't think men can be caregivers for the first months. Maternity means pregnancy, birth, bonding time, etc as far as I am concerned this special time is for mother's! Dad's can get involved of course, but women need to stop men grabbing all their hard won rights! Babies need their mum's. Or are we saying men now give birth and need time for their injuries to hea, and to learn to breastfeed 🤔

I don't understand how babies are made? I have given birth to 6 sons! I am saying in a lot of instances, that shared parental leave is forcing women to give up THEIR time! As is the case with the poster.

I split leave with my DH and deeply regret it. He did the last three months - I did up to nine months. Never again!!!

Pregnancy and birth is so, so hard. As are the first three months. The last bit of maternity leave was a joy for me. I don't want to give up those last few months again.

One benefit to splitting the leave though is that DH is a totally equal partner - and has a lot of sympathy for the toil of parenting after being in sole care of DD for that time.

Fuck off with legal rights. This is a family decision. She’s not doing battle with an employer.

DH is now home from being out at his hobby all day and still isn’t speaking to me despite my attempt to resolve things. Depressingly feel like I should probably have posted on the relationships board rather than asking for advice on SPL specifically.

His plan is to negotiate pat leave with a new employer. It’s in the OP.

I can't argue with that, but that is a fault of the system and unfortunately if women want their partner to take leave to, that is the only way to do it.

Your post also implies babies are a product of the woman alone so I just thought I would check you understand how fertilisation works. Forgive me for this.

All the best.