Shared Parental Leave. Am I being selfish?

[TheUndoing]

My DH gets 5 weeks paid paternity leave and also now wants to take a month’s Shared Parental Leave at the end of my maternity leave. I am finding the idea of having to go back to work sooner than anticipated really hard. AIBU?

Last month he was looking at changing job which would have meant he got no paternity leave at all (although he was hoping to negotiate for 2 weeks). He didn’t get the job, but his sudden enthusiasm for more time with the baby after being prepared to have very little seems to have come out of the blue. He will continue to look for a new role and I’m also worried about having to change plans at short notice and mess my employer around if he does change job.

SPL will be financially advantageous but we’re fortunate enough to be able to afford it either way.

I also admit I feel resentful about having to do all the shit bits of having a baby - I haven’t enjoyed pregnancy, I’m scared of birth and he hasn’t been particularly sympathetic - and now he wants to swan in and demand “my” leave. I know that’s an awful, selfish way of feeling though. I think the timing of his leave will also mean he gets to look after a baby that’s weaned, sleeping better etc. after I do all the graft of the newborn stage.

We discussed it last night and he’s now not speaking to me and slamming doors. I feel like just agreeing to him having the leave for the sake of ending the argument, but the idea really upsets me.

His attitude sounds shit but realistically your options are 1. Try letting him step up 2. Carry on as you are 3. Leave him. He's not going to magically improve. Op knows him best...will he embrace the opportunity and the responsibilities that come with it? Will he improve anyway? Is it better to cut your losses and run? My dh stepped up, but he wasn't a complete twat, he just got lazy over my mat leave.

Yabu to refuse to share leave. This is only a good thing for families.

Yanbu to be annoyed and upset about the way he had handled it. This should be a conversation between you to think about logistics, what it will look like etc. Not an order from.him followed by a strop when you are not sure.

I think shared leave is a great idea where the dad is supportive, considerate and genuinely wants to parent and build a bond with his child.

I think it’s a dreadful idea where the dad is a selfish git who just wants some extra holiday.

Only OP knows which is the case here but, from the information shared, it’s not looking like the first scenario to me.

He can still be involved without taking leave away from op.

Tough titties for your DH op. It's your leave, take as much as you want.

A lot of people said this shared parental leave sounds great in theory but this is the reality - a lot of women will be in ops position.

Stand your ground op.

Agree with all this.

But I completely understand your feelings, I would have felt the same if shared parental leave had been a thing for my kids.

Could he take some parental leave? I know it’s unpaid so not always possible. My partner took 2 weeks holiday after paternity and has now taken 4 weeks parental leave and will probably so the same next year - it has been nice to be have time with the baby together

He wouldn’t take unpaid leave. He’s by far the higher earner and without his salary we’d have to rely on savings to pay the mortgage etc. He wants to take SPL because his current employers policies are apparently very generous and he’d be on full pay at a point when I’d otherwise be earning nothing.

Honestly I didn’t want to split my mat leave either - I had a whole year off with dd2 and even though it was difficult in some ways (2y age gap and dd1 we later found out has asd), I treasured that time. Dh didn’t want to share the leave anyway, so all good.

however

I do wish we’d discussed it more at least and tried to share parenting as early as possible. Dh really struggled to manage both together and never had them on his own basically. I am still the default parent and kids are 10 and 12. They are closer to me and the 10yo still doesn’t like it when I go away with friends for a weekend twice a year.

there are obvs other factors at play in my situation but if I’d known how things would pan out, I would have made different decisions.

my friend who shared the leave has a more equal relationship, more freedom and is more ahead with her career.

a month isn’t a lot to give your dp but I agree with others it needs to be for the right reasons.

Why does he have to have the last month? Why can’t you both be home at the same time?

I would allow him to have the time off, he’s not going to get that opportunity again and if anything comes from this, it’ll be his appreciation of how much you do! That can’t be a bad thing!

I wouldn't do this. If you're there he'll not be fully responsible and you may end up doing all the drudge work!

How do you know this?

YANBU. Ending YOUR maternity leave earlier just because he demands it and then when you refuse he gives you the silent treatment and slams doors? He sounds abusive. Has he always used this sort of blackmail to get what he wants - throwing a tantrum until you give in?

Slamming doors and ignoring you is not ok (however you give no other details about that disagreement so it’s hard to gauge out of context).

On the face of it, I think you’re being unreasonable. It’s not ‘your’ leave. It’s his child too, and more men should take SPL – the uptake is dire and it should be seen to be happening more and more.

I wouldn’t necessarily take his acceptance of 2 weeks initial paternity as opposed to 5 weeks to mean he did not care. 5 weeks is very unusual, the vast majority have to make do with 2 weeks, so I might consider the alternative possibility that he just accepts it as the norm.

My husband took 6 months SPL with our twins (I took 6 months too) and his relationship with them is amazing. Wouldn’t change how close a family unit we are for the world.

So his entitlement to leave for his child is meaningless?

Could he not negotiate 5 weeks into the new contract? The only people I know with more than 2 weeks are those who are in demand which companies are fighting over so 3 weeks extra annual leave for one year wouldn't be an issue.

Maternity leave is really for the baby and very generous in this country. I would have loved to get settled back into being a working mum knowing it was DH with baby vs a nursery.

I think the problem here is more to do with the way he delivered the news to you. At midnight, after a works night out and assumption on his part that you would be bowled over by the great idea.

I would tell him that he needs to stop sulking and let him know why he has got your back up - The lack of support now and the way he told you about him taking SPL.

Tell him you will think about it and make a decision about what you want to do.

"On the face of it, I think you’re being unreasonable. It’s not ‘your’ leave. It’s his child too, and more men should take SPL – the uptake is dire and it should be seen to be happening more and more."

It is absolutely ops leave. The legislation states that the mother has to curtail her maternity leave to switch to ShPL.

Does he want the last month of your mat leave to be with the baby, do any night wakings, do everything round the house etc & make your going back to work easier?

Or will he put baby in nursery & swan off to golf, the gym, generally have lots of nice time off? And expect you to pick up baby, cook dinner, do bath & bed & still do the night wake ups?

My DH took the last month of my leave both times, and I would highly recommend it, for several selfish reasons:

• I got to settle back into work, knowing my baby was at home with his dad, rather than worrying about a new nursery
• No drop offs, pick ups or sick days to worry about for the first month
• DH had to deal with nursery settling in days, which I would have been emotional about
• No unrealistic expectations from DH during my leave, as he knew he would have to meet the same standard
• A good reset of our roles back to a more equal footing
• Dinner on the table on my return from work (god knows how - I never managed that for him)
• A clear message to his employer - he would be an equal parent in terms of flexible working and sick days. Just gets off on the right foot.

There were also lots of benefits for him, in terms of bonding.

But honestly, a month of going to work and pretending you have a SAHP to do all the shit is the sort of holiday you need at the end of maternity leave.

YABVU. It’s not your mat leave.

Well tbh if you have the savings and he is that keen on having it off I’m sure he wouldn’t be too bothered using savings for 4 weeks (if he has enough savings that is) we had to use savings to cover bills and mortgage for that month but tbh didn’t spend hardly anything else as mainly just took baby for walks etc.

I wouldn’t budge on my maternity leave - I had a hard pregnancy and it has taken me a while to get into the swing of things with baby I wouldn’t sacrifice my last month for anything. My partner respected that so sacrificed some savings so we could both share this time

before anyone jumps on me I know it is a privilege that we could save to do this but the OP has said her husband has savings just doesn’t want to use them - why should she make sacrifices when he won’t?

We did SPL but at the start after Paternity leave of 2 weeks had finished. It was great as we have an older child, I got to spend more time with baby and sleep/recover more due to school runs etc even cooking and nipping to the shops he could do it, or better still we could go together so it took the pressure off and was company for me. Not sure how beneficial it would have been with my first, DH may have seen it as a holiday having no experience, with his own babies or children and so would have treated it as a holiday. Everyone is different some parents want and need to spend that time with their new child and its hard when one has to go back to work so soon. Maybe a comprise of 2 weeks extra at the start and 2 weeks at the end or part way through. DH presumably has holiday too so it will seem like lots of time off. You get 11 months instead of 12.

Op just to balance some of the posts and if it helps. When I finished mat leave and went back to work we managed absolutely fine doing all the things between us that wouldnt suddenly cease to to be if DP had a month of ShPL - drop offs, pick ups, sick days, dinners etc. That all still exists.

my DP can be a bit of a knob but he didn't need a month of this for him to appreciate the graft involved. Not sure how he'd fully appreciate it anyway if the baby would be in nursery. Its not the same at all. Still hard, but not the same.

I'd worry a bit tbh if my DP needed to experience it to understand it and be supportive.

There's not a chance I'd agree to this but hypothetically, I wouldn't put baby in nursery if he was off. He can experience it all if it's that important to him.

I’m with you. You have carried the baby and given birth, you get all the time if you want it.

Just to flag on this, once you have officially curtailed your leave you can't then extend it again, only in very limited circumstances.

Worth checking so you don't get caught out at 6 months!