Shared Parental Leave. Am I being selfish?

[TheUndoing]

My DH gets 5 weeks paid paternity leave and also now wants to take a month’s Shared Parental Leave at the end of my maternity leave. I am finding the idea of having to go back to work sooner than anticipated really hard. AIBU?

Last month he was looking at changing job which would have meant he got no paternity leave at all (although he was hoping to negotiate for 2 weeks). He didn’t get the job, but his sudden enthusiasm for more time with the baby after being prepared to have very little seems to have come out of the blue. He will continue to look for a new role and I’m also worried about having to change plans at short notice and mess my employer around if he does change job.

SPL will be financially advantageous but we’re fortunate enough to be able to afford it either way.

I also admit I feel resentful about having to do all the shit bits of having a baby - I haven’t enjoyed pregnancy, I’m scared of birth and he hasn’t been particularly sympathetic - and now he wants to swan in and demand “my” leave. I know that’s an awful, selfish way of feeling though. I think the timing of his leave will also mean he gets to look after a baby that’s weaned, sleeping better etc. after I do all the graft of the newborn stage.

We discussed it last night and he’s now not speaking to me and slamming doors. I feel like just agreeing to him having the leave for the sake of ending the argument, but the idea really upsets me.

Yeah I do realise that; I don’t quite understand your point, but maybe I am being dense.

Families managed in the past but provision is better now - something most women choose to take advantage of although they’re not obliged to.

My point was that it doesn't seem to do much good Merely encouraging women to become default parent as they are at home for so long..

With DS2, DH took paternity (plus 2 weeks AL) at the end of my 12 months. It was great for me because I could ease my way back into work for the first month while we settled DS with the childminder. It wasn't an easy ride for him at all - DS had separation anxiety.

It actually worked really well.

think I would feel the same as you OP because of the timing of this plan for SPL and his reaction. If he wants to change jobs he should forget about SPL as you can’t be changing your mind last minute about your return to work date. Is he sick of his job and thinks SPL will be a break?

i found 10/11 months a lovely time with all three of mine. They were down to two naps a day and loved getting out and about every day. Once I night weaned them they slept during night unless they were sick/teething. My youngest is 15 months and he is much harder work now with his tantrums and general stubbornness than he was at 10/11 months. I get more side eye then smiles these days from him.

We don’t have SPL here but my DH comes home from work and gets stuck in with the boys. I can easily just pop out of house when DH is around and come home to find DC have been fed, clean nappies, had their naps etc. He might do things differently but the needs are met and DC happy.
My ex was between jobs when my eldest was born and so took care of eldest for a few months when I went back to work. I was and still am the default parent of eldest. Constantly needed to be told what to do and if I didn’t he would text me asking questions all day.

My point is that a good father will be a good father no matter what the circumstances are.

Sorry you had a tough time! No woman should give up their mat leave if they don’t want to (and certainly not the early months of recovery) and nobody is suggesting that. But of course men are not going to have the experience of caring solo for the baby the majority of the time if they aren’t offered that.

Shared patently leave works for some people, in some situations. There are loads of better situations that our government doesn’t provide: e.g. both parents get a full year simultaneously, or one after the other.

I heard that Swedes get something great like this!

The problem with MN and other parenting forums you will only see the people with issues.

You won't see the dads I'm related to, know and met who did SPL or due to their work patterns were left solo in charge of their babies regularly.

It's the 'your mat leave' idea that's the problem. If it had been structured as women have 6 months mat leave, men have 6 months of pat leave and then you have 6 months to share between you on top, we wouldn't have these conversations. It's a complete nonsense social construct. Just do what works best for your family. It's because we got into this sexist headspace that the default person to care for a child 6-12 months ols should be the mother, but we've just dug a massive hole for women in that this is priced into our wages with the gender pay gap. Men do just a good a job 6-12 months.

It's like these people who don't buy or sell holiday at work as they think they have exactly the right amount. It's odd. They've just taken the default and accepted it as the right amount rather than thinking about what's exactly right for them and their family.

I don’t think you are BU and would feel the same about not wanting to give up that time - also is your husband prepared to take over all the running of the house etc ?

One of our friends is on mat leave at the moment & her husband will be doing some SPL and all he talks about is the golf and cycling he’ll have time to do, so not sure what he plans to do with their baby!!

Don't worry my DP did the same.

He soon learnt differently 😂

It doesn't matter the child's age newborn or not. It's really quite ridiculous.

Agreed!

thanks for educating me more on this! 🌸

So I have done both - shared leave 50/50 for first child (I did 1st six months before DH took over and I went back to freelancing, then I started a new in-house job when DC1 was 8 months), but then I took the full 12 months for the second (our financial situation was different and he was wfh full time so was around more with the littles anyway). The first time I felt ready and raring to go back when I did, the second time i’d had a full year and still didn't feel ready! So I honestly think you might not know how you’ll feel til the baby is here and you have settled in a bit - and you have time to make that decision down the line. I would try not to stress about it now when you have so much else on! ❤️

I'm sure more because her husband is giving her the silent treatment after slamming doors.

I think the anger and slamming doors says it all.

No person on this planet should ever underestimate what it take for a woman to produce a baby.

There are 300,000 global recorded mum deaths per year from childbirth, without all the other complications. Or not including countries that don't report.

Not to mention the huge individual physical and hormonal impacts on the body. You can suddenly produce milk.

Anyone who doesn't put mum at the centre of looking after baby is a retard.

But I'm more concerned about choice of father for the baby. He doesn't sound up to the job.

I don't think anyone in any way is underestimating what a woman goes through during pregnancy and birth.

When it comes to caring for a baby, yes there are things women do that men cannot eg breastfeeding, but there is no reason why men cannot be caregivers for babies.

Men should also be a core part of caregiving and there is no reason why this can't be the case?

Hi OP, to be honest baby might not be sleeping great by then, these things aren’t guaranteed, and he/she will be in the full throes of teething too. And the length of time that they nap in the day, starts to diminish, the older they get, so you might want to go back to work for a rest, and leave DH to it!

You both need to discuss this calmly (BTW, the slamming of doors from DH sounds v childish), you think it’s unfair, but you know he’s going to come back to say that you’ve had months off, so why can’t he have 5 weeks or so. You never know, this may be a whim and once baby is here, and he realises what hard work it is, he may change his mind (you did say you wasn’t sure if he wanted the time off, for the right reasons).

What does that have to do with what board this was posted on?

Tell him if he wants to share more that's fine, tell him your friend was telling you about a thing where the men get the same pain 'down below' as the mother does when she is in labour, see how keen he is then ! or say if he is wanting to share time he can do more nappies feed, night duties the whole thing, not just a few weeks off watching tele and the occasional feed while you do washing and cleaning etc. Show him slamming doors is pointless, if he gets his own way by having tantrums he will expect it more often, and when he has finished being a child remember to describe his behaviours to him as tantrums or paddies because they are childish ! x

Honestly I hate the idea of it. It takes a while for most of us to recover from pregnancy and birth, and adjust to carrying the mental load of motherhood (we are in most cases the default parent who organises everything. I would guarantee that you would still have that role even when back to work while your husband is off). I think it should be our right as carriers of the baby to have all the maternity leave, and that men should be made aware that it’s the woman’s choice whether or not to share that maternity leave.

if you can afford it can he take unpaid leave (legally entitled to this) then you can be off together. I think it’s fair to share but also wouldn’t want to!

Well I know my daughter and SIL share childcare equally . She went back to work ft at 5 months on opposite shifts to her husband ( and still managed to bf for 20 mths)

But DGC dad is just as capable on to doing absolutely anything just as well as DD
Not sure if there was shared paternity leave then ( 7 years ago) but he did have a fortnight off after the birth

But I think the main thing was that DD didn't "hover" over her husband or not trust him to do stuff, or main about if it was the " right" way or not

Seems like a few of you have not understood the way SPL can work. He can take the time at the same time as you do, it does not have to be while you’re back at work (to the poster who thought you’d have to go back for a month if he took it at the beginning). It still reduces the total amount you can take but it means he can do the newborn bit if that’s where you think help is best (though honestly I think newborn is way easier than post 8 months when they are crawling and not sleeping as much/out of swaddles) My husband took the first 6 months off alongside me as a combo pat leave, annual leave and SPL then we both went back part time for 4 months before she went to nursery. We did the same/similar with both children and it worked very well for us. It would be way better for equality in the workplace and probably equality in the home if doing this was more the norm.

I think he should be able to take it.
it’s his baby too.
and as others have said it’s right at the end of your leave so you will have a chance to settle in back at work without having to stress about childcare. And he will experience sole care of a baby which can only be a good thing and for the baby’s relationship with him.

Sweden is generous with parental leave, but it's really not the case both parents get to be home for a year. Parental leave is a bit longer (16 months), with the last 3 paid at a much lower rate. However, each parent gets allocated a minimum of 3 months to them personally, so if the dad doesn't take his 3 months, then they're simply lost, the mum doesn't get to take them instead. Both parents can only take 30 days at the same time.

In my work place (Swedish public sector), it feels like the most common approach is that both parents take parental leave the first couple of weeks after the baby is born, then just the mum for 6/7 months, then dad the next 6 months.

It’s hard enough going back to work after having a baby.

The timing of your return is also when things are about to get good too so I see exactly what you mean.

Also, when you return to work, it would be much easier to have your childcare in place and to get use to that routine.

If your husband is good at running the home, washing, cooking and cleaning and is prepared to do all of this too then maybe it’s worth considering. But if you’re likely to come home to an overstimulated child, a tip and be expected to make tea, put the washer on etc, well if was me, I’d be telling him to get lost.

Op @Rachpen is right here.

You can take time off together or separately at any time in the first year.

Just bear in mind, If you yourself are on SPL then you may not be entitled to enhanced maternity pay (depends on your company policy)

But @Rachpen is right, your husband could take his month at any point after the first 2 weeks (mandatory period)