Feeling devastated over how I've treated my DS

[Sendhelp101]

I'm hiding details as I don't want it outing and im ashamed. I've had a really really hard week with DS5 this week, absolutely hysterics over school saying he feels ill having to collect early etc etc. I'm a single parent working full time. Dr diagnosed him with a simple treatment for a common childhood problem. The issue is is he has barely eaten all week and nothing today.

Today the treatment worked and I asked him 3 or 4 times what he wanted to eat for dinner and he said anything he doesn't mind but I gave him all the options and asked him to choose so it was something I knew he'd like. He told me what he wanted and I spent a while making it and when I put it on the table he was hysterical again screaming and gagging saying he felt sick and didn't want it. We live in a tiny house that has no shade so was boiling from cooking at this point I was sweating. I lost my rag and said he absolutely wasn't getting down from the table until he had eaten. Cue more hysterics and screaming and gagging. I completely flipped and went to his side and scooped some onto his spoon and tried to spoon it into his mouth for him (I didn't touch him or force his mouth open or anything). He then spat it all out and was blubbering tears and shaking. I felt horrible and realised I just force fed my child.

I've been really struggling with his behaviour at the moment and with my own physical and mental health I'm just struggling to cope. He's an amazing caring kind funny little boy but I can tell he is turning into a shell of himself. I'm so ashamed of myself and feel so horrible for the way I've treated him I want to kill myself but don't want him to think its because of him. I'm always shouting, getting cross, not spending enough time with him etc. In reality I think I need help from social services and this breaks my heart as I was in care myself as a child and have put everything into giving my child what I didn't have.

I've now given him a horrible memory that will stick with him because I couldn't control my anger and give him a bit of bloody toast instead. Sorry I guess I'm just venting.

It’s doesn’t sound like you were that bad op.. you are being very very hard on yourself here

you sound like a great mum doing your best in a tough situation

Also sorry you grew up in care yourself. I am sure that is tough. If Nutella on toast or similar is what gets calories into your child for today - what harm ? We all do things in a crisis.

My mother did this to me and caused awful problems around food and mealtimes for me. It was genuinely traumatic for me to experience at the time.
I genuinely had no appetite until I was about 12. I was fine. Kids will eat what they need.

Please don’t ever repeat this behaviour.

Thank you for the reassurance but I feel like I'm loosing my rag far too often and he doesn't deserve this version of me at all. I want him to have happy childhood memories. It was only a bloody jacket potatoe too don't know why I got so irate

Op please look up rupture and repair. You haven’t done lasting damage. You can fix this and come out with a stronger relationship and give your little boy resilience.

give him a hug, say sorry and cut yourself some slack. You are doing your best.

Sounds really tough. He'll remember but he'll also remember how you dealt with it. Use it as a turning point, when calm either tonight or tomorrow apologise to him. Explain that even mummies make mistakes and that you are sorry you forced him. Then try and keep the next meal really light. TV, sofa, tablet, picnic on the carpet. Yoghurts, little spices of fruit or cheese or anything he use to eat but in tiny amounts.

You have had a tough week, please don’t be too hard on yourself. Like the PP said, if he has nutella on toast then so be it.
do you have any help from family so you can have a break even just for a few hours?

I know it was traumatic for him and that's why I feel so so awful. Its not something I've ever done either I usually take it away and make a picky bits plate instead.

You recognise you didn't behave well, it sounds like he's been unwell & not eating much and it sometimes takes a while for appetite to return after illness. Not your finest moment for sure, but you only tried to give him some dinner. You can apologise to him that you lost your temper & now you know going forward if food is causing this much stress then take time out to calm yourself down. Being a parent is difficult & so is being a 5 year old. If you need some support reach out, but don't over think this one. Your little boy loves and needs you, please get the support you both need and stay. If you're having serious and immediate thoughts of suicide please speak to someone tonight. Your boy needs you & you are trying your best. Please stay.

That really isn't helpful and the OP already feels bad enough....

Thank you for the replies so far. I do have family support but only my mum really and she has my siblings baby alot in the week and is getting older so i don't like to burden her. I wouldn't ever act om suicidal feelings, my son has been the only thing keeping me going a few times but I really really wish he had a better parent than me x

Way to stick the boot in when the op is clearly upset, regretting what’s happened and knows not to do it again. She said she didn’t hold his mouth open or touch him.

op, you haven’t done lasting damage to your son. We all have a breaking point. Apologise to him, have a cuddle and move on.
make life easier - wee bits of random stuff
on a plate (oatcakes, cut up apple, hummus etc) might get him picking, or chocolate spread sandwich.

These are actually his favourite kind of dinners and usually has them in the week as he hot school dinners and doesn't want another hot dinner but I get so many people telling me he needs more than what he's getting etc. I'm quite sensitive to criticism over my parenting as a single parent whose been in care myself and having him.relativley young. I don't think he's immediately traumatised as he's currently shoting jokes at me and jumping off the sofa. He did flash his bum at me straight after aswell 🙃 I'm off to apologise now and fingers crossed x

Just wanted to add some solidarity that I’m sure most of us at some point have lost our temper and said or done things we regret as a parent when pushed to our limits. And then feel the similar guilt afterwards and as others have said the key thing is how you deal with it now and apologise and explain that you love him and you didn’t mean to get so cross etc. I have a challenging 6 year old and it’s exhausting

If you haven't done so already apologise, give him a slice of toast and have a cuddle.

Make sure your apology acknowledges you are at fault, your behaviour was wrong and that your reaction was unjust.

Repair the immediate damage as best you can and model calm, reassuring and supportive behaviour going forwards.

Seek help if you need it but also try simple techniques like counting to ten, leaving the room etc long before you get to explosion point.

My mum did this to me too but she never felt bad about it or apologised. OP the pp who mentioned rupture and repair had it right. He will not be traumatised by this as long as you repair it- all you have to do is speak to him about it in a calm moment, say you are so sorry, he must have felt so frightened, it wasn't his fault, you got very stressed and lost control and will commit to making sure it doesn't happen again. Honestly these moments of repair are the moments when relationships get closer. You are a lone parent under immense stress- you lost your cool because you care so much about your son and you want him to eat and be well! Because you love him! It's intensely triggering when our children won't eat- keeping them nourished is our most basic job. So please don't be so hard on yourself about this. You sound like a really loving mum in very difficult circumstances

What was he diagnosed with, is this impacting appetite?

I force fed my first baby (was told to) and hated it and myself for a long time. He has food issues now at 5 still. We now have zero pressure food times, more grazing than meals, and I don't care what he eats so much anymore as he's actually eating food voluntarily... Seeing slow improvements and he's a healthy weight for the first time ever.

We all make mistakes with our kids. Own it, apologise, get down to his level and have a heart to heart. Then move on. Tomorrow you will do better.

And here you are now doing some damage to an internet stranger yourself hey?

hey - all parents fuck things up in the moment! there is not a parent on this planet that hasn't lost it at a child and then regretted it.

i have a very fussy eater - she is autistic but we didn't know that when she first began refusing food.

As you know - forcing doesn't work - but you know what its bloody exhausting seeing a child turn down food you have cooked - you want them to eat, to be healthy and strong - it's so emptional!

you are learning on your journey as a parent OP - that's all we can aim for.

and btw a great book is 'getting the little blighters to eat' - written by a therapist / nutritionist who specialises with children on very limited diets/ food refusers.

I used to force feed ds his first spoonful when he was little because I knew that he liked the food and once he had the first spoon he'd happily eat the rest - but he was hugely resistant to the first spoonful for some reason. He grew out of it pretty quickly and has been fine ever since (adult now!) and eats very well!

What's going on with his eating? Is it related to the illness he's had? Take it slowly and just give him a little bit of something simple so if he doesn't eat it it's not a big deal. You sound like you just need a hug and a bit of a break tbh.

You need to access some support. You had a complicated childhood which can make it hard to know if you are making the right choices.

Go to school and say because you are a care-experienced person you don't have confidence in your parenting and would like to be referred for parenting support or classes. You don't have to reveal details to ask for help, because your backstory is a good enough reason to access priority support.

You definitely need more techniques.

The first thing is to stop shouting. Unless your child is in danger there is never really a need to shout - so just step away. If he doesn't eat he doesn't eat. He can be offered food again later.

Something that stood out to me in your post is I think it sounds like you are asking him too many questions. If in doubt next time just do cheese on toast or something really simple and present it to him - you be the grown up. Don't ask too many questions of a young child, it makes them anxious, which can make them play up to check if you will be the adult. If he doesn't eat it, just say 'that's fine, we can have a slice of toast later' and minimise it.

Please access support as soon as you can.

I think the poster was OK in what they said, it was not attacking but just a personal perspective.

Admitting you have made a mistake is a huge thing. Lots of us can't even do that. You are a good mum and obviously worried about your wee boy. Apologise to him when you are calm, tell him that even mums can get things wrong but it's important to realise that and say sorry. Sounds like he was maybe overwhelmed with too much choice. Just offer him little bits, of mostly healthy stuff, and hopefully he'll have his appetite back soon. Do you have any friends with kids he gets on with, that maybe you could spend some time with tomorrow? Or just take a picnic to a park? Your DS won't care that you're not spending lots of money but you do sound like you could do with a bit of help.

Your overwrought OP, calm down. Your child probably won’t remember, give him a cuddle, have a bath/shower. Start again with some toast, something simple.

Have a plan for when this happens again- because it will. Tomorrow is a new day.

I don’t think he will remember OP. I remember I lost it with dd1 once and smacked her hard. She had a big red handprint in her leg. I cried harder than her. I really beat myself up about it.

Last year, for some reason it was really playing on my mind. I apologised to her. Said I felt awful about it, even after all this time - I think she was about 7 or 8 at the time. She’s 22 now. She looked at me as if I was daft. Said she honestly didn’t remember it and to forget it. I still feel bad though.