Feeling devastated over how I've treated my DS

[Sendhelp101]

I'm hiding details as I don't want it outing and im ashamed. I've had a really really hard week with DS5 this week, absolutely hysterics over school saying he feels ill having to collect early etc etc. I'm a single parent working full time. Dr diagnosed him with a simple treatment for a common childhood problem. The issue is is he has barely eaten all week and nothing today.

Today the treatment worked and I asked him 3 or 4 times what he wanted to eat for dinner and he said anything he doesn't mind but I gave him all the options and asked him to choose so it was something I knew he'd like. He told me what he wanted and I spent a while making it and when I put it on the table he was hysterical again screaming and gagging saying he felt sick and didn't want it. We live in a tiny house that has no shade so was boiling from cooking at this point I was sweating. I lost my rag and said he absolutely wasn't getting down from the table until he had eaten. Cue more hysterics and screaming and gagging. I completely flipped and went to his side and scooped some onto his spoon and tried to spoon it into his mouth for him (I didn't touch him or force his mouth open or anything). He then spat it all out and was blubbering tears and shaking. I felt horrible and realised I just force fed my child.

I've been really struggling with his behaviour at the moment and with my own physical and mental health I'm just struggling to cope. He's an amazing caring kind funny little boy but I can tell he is turning into a shell of himself. I'm so ashamed of myself and feel so horrible for the way I've treated him I want to kill myself but don't want him to think its because of him. I'm always shouting, getting cross, not spending enough time with him etc. In reality I think I need help from social services and this breaks my heart as I was in care myself as a child and have put everything into giving my child what I didn't have.

I've now given him a horrible memory that will stick with him because I couldn't control my anger and give him a bit of bloody toast instead. Sorry I guess I'm just venting.

I had a lot of issues around food as a child, and I'm sure it frustrated my mother to no end. She was also a single parent, and I remember having arguments, both of us shouting and crying about it on occasion. Once I had to finish a whole plate because she didn't believe I felt sick until I was sick afterwards. But, that's not something that comes to mind when I think about her, or how much I love her, in fact I only remembered it to comment here. At the end of the day she was doing her best to keep me fed and well and it's not something I would ever hold any resentment towards. As time went on I got a bit better about trying things and eating more, and her expectations adjusted to what I could manage. We had our fair share of difficult moments over the years, no more or less than most families, but none intentional and nothing out of malice.

You don't sound like a bad parent in the slightest, it sounds like you're having a rough time and your little boy's illness has made things especially difficult. You lost your temper, but everyone does occasionally- what matters is that you care, which you clearly do. You're trying your best, you feel bad about upsetting him and you're going to apologise. That makes you a pretty good parent in my book, OP.

Thank you again for more responses and advice I really am taking it all in. The school have been supportive so far but its only just come on to their radar as its ramped up and the teachers are noticing him wanting to home alot last week. Hopefully with a bit more support I can avoid moving his schools as he does love his school and teachers but does struggle with finding his tribe. No tea eaten again tonight but he had a few more nibbles throughout the day and there was no pressure to eat, he has drank plenty.

I'm going to look into all the options posted here aswell as maybe spending a few nights with my mum as in the past that reset has really helped. I went round for a few hours today and she did all my washing and hung it out to dry for me (I have no garden of my own) while ds had fun in the garden and with the dogs. All this was lovely.

I'm reluctant to take time of work as I really thrive on routine and all the things people do for self care while off I know I wouldn't do and would just be lazy and probably spiral.

I'm going to step away from this thread now as I can recognise I'm feeling a bit fragile and need to focus but I have appreciated everyone's responses so thank you so much 💓

Best of luck to you OP, You sound like an incredible mother.

take care OP! you sound like the sort of mum any kid would be lucky to have, you're caring, compassionate and reflective but at the same time proactive about bettering yours and your son's future. All the best to you both,