Feeling devastated over how I've treated my DS

[Sendhelp101]

I'm hiding details as I don't want it outing and im ashamed. I've had a really really hard week with DS5 this week, absolutely hysterics over school saying he feels ill having to collect early etc etc. I'm a single parent working full time. Dr diagnosed him with a simple treatment for a common childhood problem. The issue is is he has barely eaten all week and nothing today.

Today the treatment worked and I asked him 3 or 4 times what he wanted to eat for dinner and he said anything he doesn't mind but I gave him all the options and asked him to choose so it was something I knew he'd like. He told me what he wanted and I spent a while making it and when I put it on the table he was hysterical again screaming and gagging saying he felt sick and didn't want it. We live in a tiny house that has no shade so was boiling from cooking at this point I was sweating. I lost my rag and said he absolutely wasn't getting down from the table until he had eaten. Cue more hysterics and screaming and gagging. I completely flipped and went to his side and scooped some onto his spoon and tried to spoon it into his mouth for him (I didn't touch him or force his mouth open or anything). He then spat it all out and was blubbering tears and shaking. I felt horrible and realised I just force fed my child.

I've been really struggling with his behaviour at the moment and with my own physical and mental health I'm just struggling to cope. He's an amazing caring kind funny little boy but I can tell he is turning into a shell of himself. I'm so ashamed of myself and feel so horrible for the way I've treated him I want to kill myself but don't want him to think its because of him. I'm always shouting, getting cross, not spending enough time with him etc. In reality I think I need help from social services and this breaks my heart as I was in care myself as a child and have put everything into giving my child what I didn't have.

I've now given him a horrible memory that will stick with him because I couldn't control my anger and give him a bit of bloody toast instead. Sorry I guess I'm just venting.

You're recognising and questioning behaviour you don't like in yourself. You're a good parent, you just need more support. I can't advise where exactly you could get support (not in UK) but maybe someone else could signpost you.

Also for what it’s worth I really don’t think you have traumatised him and he might not remember it either, (or he might vaguely remember a stressful moment when you were both tired and upset and then apologised and moved on :)) You sound like a very loving mum who is doing their best. Parenting is so hard!

It sounds like you have painted yourself black.
No parent is perfect.
Learn from it and forgive yourself.
Tomorrow is a new day!

@Sendhelp101

If you're doing this multiple times a week then there absolutely may be a problem, but what parent hasn't got so frustrated with their child that they've done something that they later regret and think they 'could have done better'?
Not one of us on Mumsnet is that perfect!

These days, there's so much pressure to be 'perfect' because of all the parenting advice available.

Ease up and be kinder to yourself!
We all make decisions that we learn from - it's what being a parent is all about.

Tbh, no parent is ever going to be able to raise 'the perfect child with no hang-ups' - no matter how hard we try ..... it's just life .

And half the time, our children remember things that affected them that we don't even remember happening, or think would have had any effect.

In the end, all we can do as parents - and the best we can realistically do - is keep going and keep telling our children that we love them.

You're doing fine - please don't beat yourself up over this x

It is really annoying when they don't eat, and you've spent time and effort cooking. Do you eat with him OP?

I would suggest cooking something you like OP and sitting down to eat with him. If he says he doesn't like it, then say 'that's fine, but if you want something different, you'll need to wait till I've had some of mine' and then move the conversation on and talk about what he did at school etc. It takes the focus off the food. He may start eating or he may not. The important thing is not to make it a battle ground.

Another good tip is try to cook things that can be reused the next day, so you aren't feeling angry about wastage (particularly if you are on a budget, it's rage inducing!) For example, his uneaten jacket potato you could chop up and fry the next day with some bacon and egg to make a tasty hash for your lunch

OP I'll spare you the details but I have seen a child being abusively force fed. It was physically and mentally violent. What you describe is nothing at all like that. I'm not going to say it's ok to be losing your temper all the time, you know it isn't, but keep it in perspective. You didn't force feed him, you tried to spoon feed him once, and when it didn't work you stopped.

Pick your battles. And don't pick food - whatever he eats is fine for now. You're knackered and stressed, this isn't the time for perfectionism. The most important thing you can do for him is to get yourself calmed down and feeling better. Also remember that ALL kids will have some negative experiences and memories; that's part of life. He needs to see that you apologise when you're wrong, that you still love him and that a falling out doesn't mean a damaged relationship.

You need some support and some proper breaks to recharge yourself. Talk to your mum

@Sendhelp101 feel like I'm loosing my rag far too often

- if you're a single parent working full-time then you obviously haven't got the support you need and I'm not surprised you're stressed.

I've been there and I know how hard this must be for you!
But I've learned you can only do what you can do - however much you wish you were perfect! (and NONE of us are!)

I honestly think you've done no lasting damage to your DS, but if you're struggling with your own physical and mental health then there's no shame in asking for extra help from your GP / Social Services / HomeStart - it's what they're there for.

Sometimes. mothers are just expected to do everything on their own and 'just get on with it' - but mothers sometimes need help too! Sometimes we just don't like asking for it because we think we should be able to cope 'because we are mothers'.

Don't feel guilty for a totally normal 'mum' moment - don't beat yourself up xx

Get some support from your son's school, they may have a family support worker. Sometimes that can help to put things into perspective.

Thank you so much for all the replies I can't respond to everyone individually but wish I could! I appreciate the kind responses aswell as the blunt and honest ones as we can't sugar coat everything.

I am having counselling but it's mainly for anxiety and hasn't really touched upon any underlying issues which effect my parenting styles/my own background but I'm hoping to find help for this soon, my mum has also been looking for me too. She's angry as there is alot more support for care leavers/apotove parents these days but back when she adopted us we were basically dropped at the front door and all left to fend for ourselves.

On another note I did go back and apologise and say it wasn't okay how I reacted and I shouldn't have done it, it won't happen again and how sorry I am. He still didn't eat much but did eat some strawberries yoghurt and a chocolate bar so hopefully not off food for life! It doesn't help I've randomly developed extreme dizziness and all over body pain today that keeps coming and going !

I completely sympathise but would say please, don’t ever try to force feed again.

my elderly stepdad was brought up in a home run by catholic nuns he can’t eat peas to this day, he’s 78, because one of them would hold his mouth open whilst the other jabbed fork fulls of peas into to his 5 year old mouth.

calories are what matter. If he’s happy to watch a movie and eat a big bowl of popcorn with you, great. Build on it from there.

have you tried cooking together? Most children are keen to eat what they’ve helped to cook.

We all have shit days OP. I don’t think what you did was all that serious.

Nor is pages of "oh Hun it's so hard, have a hug" 🙄

She's admitted to being angry and shouty on a consistent basis and trying to force feed her under the weather 5 year old.

Op needs help - by which I mean she needs to seek out and accept help. Practical help, not minimising platitudes.

Op, Good on you for realising you're in a negative pattern, genuinely. I'm sure you and your son will be ok. I hope you can get some support soon xx

Apologise to him and take the pressure off meal times. Let him sit with you while you eat, chat about your day and his but let him chose to eat or not eat. If he doesn’t eat it now he can have the dish later if he gets hungry.

Also start reading about parenting. Find some books on Amazon. Research

You are human and lost it.

It happens. As long as its not fits of rage scaring him. Then it's fine. He won't remember.

It might do him good to see his behaviour upsets you. Sometimes kids need to see how their behaviour will effect someone.

Thank you for this, I appreciate all the kind comments I couldn't cope with pages telling me how awful I've been but I do need ones like this to reiterate to myself how serious it was and how badly I sometimes struggle x

I do just want to reiterate I didn't touch him or force his mouth open or hold his head/hands or anything like that. I went to scoop it on the spoon hoping it would encourage him and when it didn't I sort of went to put it in his mouth like he was a baby. I've never laid a finger on him out of anger ever.

I think you're actually over-compensating because of your anxiety. Offering a 5 year old limitless choices of food, allowing them to not eat dinners and have whatever they want... this is going to actually create problems. I don't think there's anything wrong with going to spoon feed a child. As you say, you didn't touch him or force him.

I don’t believe I am. I am a well rounded person with a brilliant relationship with my mother. However, she recognises now that she caused issues back then with me and eating and she says she wishes she hadn’t done what she did. No long term harm done, but I am simply trying to explain to the OP that this is behaviour she really needs to not repeat.

Unless you have been that child and felt that fear, you’ll never quite understand.

I agree you are doing your best in a very hard situation. I mean this kindly - you are only considering social services likely because it’s what you knew… it would never occur to me that they could help me and I expect many parents feel the same!
Id forget that. Focus on rebuilding your mental health and well being and nurturing yourself and your son. You are a good parent. Having a really tough time. I am not surprised you feel as you do, I think anyone would. Can you get any time off? I would see if gp can sign you off so you can recuperate yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Lots of luck to you xxxxx

The very fact you posted and are worried shows you are a good parent. Your son has had a crappy week being ill- one week of a tough time is just that; it won’t scar a child forever. You clearly love him- start afresh tomorrow and be the parent you want to be instead of the shouty one x

The fact you recognise what you did was wrong shows you are a good mum who just reached the end of her tether. Cut yourself some slack, he will be fine. But please remember that he will eat what he needs. He won’t starve.

Just take the pressure off. Don’t make a fuss or changes all the time (ie replacing what he won’t eat with other suggestions), simply offer the food you have planned and don’t make a fuss.
He eats what he eats and that’s it. If he does well, he gets his pudding. If not, he can have a choice of fruit perhaps, but don’t comment on what he has or hasn’t eaten.

All of us make mistakes as parents. the most important thing is how you respond when you know you made a mistake. Go to him, give him a cuddle, say you are so sorry you got anrgy and so sorry if that upset him.Ask him if he;d like to tell you how he felt when you got cross. Listen and apologise and sympathise. Explain to him that often when mums get angry it is because they are worried and exhausted, and you were worried that he hadn't had enough to eat. Ask him to suggest some ways that would make dinner time calmer and suggest some ideas yourself.

One thing is to make a lot of little dishes of things and let him choose a bit from different bowls. Or to watch TV while eating. When children have huge difficulty eating, a lot of the rules for good habits don't apply. The most important thing is to get some nutrition into them in a non-stressful environment.

If you feel overwhelmed and shout a lot of the time, do you need to ask GP about AD medication or changing it if you are on it already? It might create the buffer between your emotions and your reactions, giving you a bit of breathing space. Don't be hard on yourself. You love him and you want the best for him. Let him know this clearly.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

It’s very stressful when a child doesn’t eat. I know the feeling. I think as long as he is eating something I wouldn’t worry too much. Let him have some control about what to eat. I found giving small helpings helped. My child felt nauseated if they were given a large portion.