Feeling devastated over how I've treated my DS

[Sendhelp101]

I'm hiding details as I don't want it outing and im ashamed. I've had a really really hard week with DS5 this week, absolutely hysterics over school saying he feels ill having to collect early etc etc. I'm a single parent working full time. Dr diagnosed him with a simple treatment for a common childhood problem. The issue is is he has barely eaten all week and nothing today.

Today the treatment worked and I asked him 3 or 4 times what he wanted to eat for dinner and he said anything he doesn't mind but I gave him all the options and asked him to choose so it was something I knew he'd like. He told me what he wanted and I spent a while making it and when I put it on the table he was hysterical again screaming and gagging saying he felt sick and didn't want it. We live in a tiny house that has no shade so was boiling from cooking at this point I was sweating. I lost my rag and said he absolutely wasn't getting down from the table until he had eaten. Cue more hysterics and screaming and gagging. I completely flipped and went to his side and scooped some onto his spoon and tried to spoon it into his mouth for him (I didn't touch him or force his mouth open or anything). He then spat it all out and was blubbering tears and shaking. I felt horrible and realised I just force fed my child.

I've been really struggling with his behaviour at the moment and with my own physical and mental health I'm just struggling to cope. He's an amazing caring kind funny little boy but I can tell he is turning into a shell of himself. I'm so ashamed of myself and feel so horrible for the way I've treated him I want to kill myself but don't want him to think its because of him. I'm always shouting, getting cross, not spending enough time with him etc. In reality I think I need help from social services and this breaks my heart as I was in care myself as a child and have put everything into giving my child what I didn't have.

I've now given him a horrible memory that will stick with him because I couldn't control my anger and give him a bit of bloody toast instead. Sorry I guess I'm just venting.

I couldn’t read this and not post.

It sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time. The dizziness and pain is probably a reaction to stress but please go to the GP and ask for bloods to rule out underlying issues which could be making things difficult. It could be something as simple as low iron which really affects your ability to manage day to day.

loads of people have given you a hard time for this comment which I think is unfair. It was your experience and you weren’t even harsh. Two line posts with ‘there there I’m sure you’re a great mum’ are way more unhelpful. Maybe OP is a great mum, maybe she’s not, but she’s asking for actual help, not minimising her situation.

OP, I second those posters suggesting you might want some additional support. Maybe Home Start? Though your child might have to be under 5. Have a read of Philippa Perry, The Book You Wish your parents had read. It sounds like you had a tough start in life and don’t have bags of support now. Good luck! 😊

You're not a bad mum because you reflected on it and you knew it was wrong. All parents have moments they are ashamed of. Be a good role model by apologising to your child. I have had to apologise to my children when I have lost my temper with them. You weren't trying to punish or humiliate your child. You were stressed because they weren't eating. You are worried about your child because you love them.

There are lots of charities that provide parent support classes, peer support etc. It sounds like this is what would help you. You are not failing. You just need some support. Being a single mum is so tough as there's no one to take over when you need an emotional break.

https://kidsmatter.org.uk/our-programmes/find-a-programme/

Something like this might run near you?

Thank you for this. I have re read my comment over and over wondering if what I had said was awful (I genuinely don’t ever set out to hurt people- people can look at all my posts if they want to see for themselves that I’m not a troll)

Perhaps I was a little direct, which I will try and not be in the future, but having been the child at the end of this sort of behaviour, I felt I was able to offer some insight. I don’t have children and I can’t imagine how hard it must be. I also know that parents make mistakes. Me and my beloved mum had had long conversations since I became an adult about the way she dealt with my lack of appetite. She has admitted that she thought if I didn’t eat what she considered enough food, I would end up with a nutritional problem and it would be all her fault. My elder brother was a good eater, so I came as a shock.

My mum threatened me with hospital, drips, that I would be taken away from her… she forced me to eat one, two, three more mouthfuls. I would gag and cry and feel unwell afterwards because I had been forced to eat when my stomach didn’t need it. I was frightened that someone would come and take me into hospital and put me on a drip. The reality is I was a healthy, active child and my body was perfectly happy with the little food I ate.
I didn’t grow up long-term any issues towards food, but I still remember that fear and dread at the meal table as a child, day in day out.
FWIW, I still have a tiny appetite but I am a healthy size 10/12, but I don’t have any ED, I just don’t seem to need to eat the same amounts as other people.

You were worried about it, hot and tired. As a one off am sure he'll be fine. And it does sound like you love him a lot.
Given the weather I'd be offering juices, ice lollies and fruit, with crackers etc.

Op it sounds like you have a short fuse or stressed if you're always shouting at him.
You're not a bad mum or a horrible person as you recognise this and want to change.

I found ahaparenting a good site to help me understand what goes on with a child in each stage and age and how to deal with it. Have a look and see if it's any good for you.
I think it's called peaceful parent happy kids now. It's American but gives some good info.

www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/guide/school-age

Everyone makes mistakes- you have acknowledged yours and want to change. Take the heat out of the situation- a picky tea( like a picnic) in the garden ( change of surroundings) maybe in a lunchbox or paper plates
doesnt have to be fancy, but it changes the dynamic.

EVERY parent loses it sometimes. We're not care machines, we're human beings.

This is unnecessarily cruel to someone who is clearly vulnerable, AND very regretful of their actions.

OP, you haven't forever traumatised your child because of a one-time cross dinner time. He's obviously not as "better" as you thought, not the end of the world.
I remember as a kid, when I was even a little bit ill, my appetite would fall off a cliff, and take quite a few days to recover. I'd also only be into really niche foods, or only want the one thing we didn't have in the house. I'm sure it drove my mum bonkers.
But presumably, as he's a decent enough eater the rest of the time, he'll pick up in a few more days. How old is he? If he's more than about 6, I'd perhaps try appealing to his sensible side, "I'm quite worried you haven't eaten much. That's not good for you. Could you please try and get through this piece of toast? What would you like on it?"

Well you’re a ray of sunshine aren’t you!

i think just do what feels right op. You’re a single mum doing her best. You’re dealing with a 5 year old having a tantrum and being dramatic- at some point your mum instinct kicks in and you put boundaries in, this is what you tried to do - it didn’t go well but don’t beat yourself up about it.

I never ask him what he wants, I ask him would you like X or Y, and then I make X or Y, but I always put a safe food like toast on his tray - not plate

I do stuff like this as well with my SEN kid. Even asking him if he's hungry can make him tense. Sometimes I'll just make something I know he'll eat and stick it in front of him with no comment.

Personally I'd treat him like he has SN until you get to the bottom of it OP. He has obvious barriers to attendance for school and anxiety over food. He needs assessing to see if there's something else going on and find out why the world is overwhelming to him.

I definitely don't think you should beat yourself up for losing your blob. It's extremely stressful when your kid doesn't eat it's literally our job to keep them alive. It's coded into the mother part of our brains. When they won't eat it sents out an alert.

Look for some ARFID groups online to get some ideas on how to approach eating with him.

Oh dear that was a low point. But don't be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you were really stressed and didn't have support so you lost your rag - it happens. I've also done things I regret from when my children were small but you can't change the past and now my children are adults, they aren't perfect either! We're all human and make mistakes so I think you just need to learn from it so it doesn't happen again, forgive yourself and move on.

Your son probably won't remember this. Try not to get so agitated around food in future or provide so many options. Just cook a simple meal that you know he likes and have some healthy snacks in the house he can eat later if he refuses to eat. It sounds like he has had a stressful time recently too so neither of you are probably acting normally around food right now - but this will pass.

Give yourself a break. All parents lose their shit completely now and again. If this was repeated every day that would be different but a one off bit of crappy parenting will not harm your child. I look back on times and absolutely cringe about how I acted when dc were little. There was one particular incident where I was furious with dc and lost my temper when it was actually a misunderstanding and she hadn’t intended to do something naughty at all. I still hate thinking about it, assumed it would scar her for life. She didn’t even remember it a fairly short time later.

It sounds like you need some support for yourself but also to be kinder to yourself. It sounds like dc has been ill which is always really stressful. Tomorrow is a new day. I saw a quote from someone online that I try to remember now. It was along the lines of ‘You might not feel able to show up and do X,Y,Z, but (insert dcs name) mum can’. Basically there is no other option with parenting than to show up, do your best, take each day at a time. We all sometimes have to split ourselves. It sounds like you’re doing this.

My parents did this to me too (80s child, fussy eater) and I was over it within a day or so. It's done no lasting damage whatsoever.

This is a non-event, honestly. I think you're just feeling awful because you're tired. Also when you're a lone parent and need to work you're desperate for them to eat/sleep so they don't need time off school and that does make things more pressured. He's only little, the amount of food he actually needs is probably less than you think and if he's been a bit poorly his appetite will naturally reduce - it's a temporary thing. Look after yourself

If you read her posts I'm pretty sure she's aware and feels terrible about it so there was no need.

Parenting is hard. We all make mistakes abd beat ourselves up. Forgive yourself OP, you’re a good mum, but you are struggling.

My DD is a social worker. She would help you and support you, as that is her job. She would NOT take your child away, as that is the last thing anyone wants. Please reach out for help OP, I think with just a bit of support you can feel much better about your parenting.

Homestart will offer non judgemental support. Google them and send an email. It’s worth talking to them to see if you want what they offer in terms of support. You are a good mum because you care about what you do. Children can try the patience of a saint.

Give him a cuddle, say sorry and offer a bit of toast and jam or something. He sounds as if he’s a happy lively boy and my guess is that he won’t remember this moment at all. Longer term, yes you need support. Maybe ask your gp about a parenting class or contact the charity Gingerbread for single parents or this organisation https://www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/online-parenting-courses. Raising children is hard and raising them alone must be much harder. Good luck!

Ok, you've had a bad day, cuddle and sorry and move on.

Regarding the eating,

Put some bits out, let him graze on them, don't analyse, just let him eat a bit when he likes.

Take the stress out of the situation.

You're doing fine, parenting is hard.

Sending you an unMumsnetty hug, OP.

Parenting can be bloody hard, sometimes. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Sounds like you are a loving mother, who has a lot on her plate, is doing her best, and could use some help. You've got lots of insight into how you want things to be, and where you are finding it hard, and some of the reasons why. Which is no small thing.

It's good you're getting counselling. What other stuff are you doing for yourself? Who can you call for a moan/weep/chat? You need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your DS.

I second the rec of 'aha parenting', a very useful site/book. And I'd also say that things get easier as they get bigger, or at least, the challenges become different!

Be extra kind to yourself today.

This!

Can tell that underneath you're a caring, thoughtful, loving mum trying to do your best but having some difficulties.
Being a single parent working full time must be so tough.
You don't need social services lovely, but I think you definitely need some more support.
Perhaps you could speak to your school nursing team or the school? They can refer you to a team where you can have a family support worker to give you some help and guidance, and there are also parenting programmes which you may find useful such as Solihull or Triple P (depending on area)
Perhaps also speak to your GP about your mental health.

If you haven't had a good role model of parenting yourself, you are doing really well not to replicate that and being reflective and passionate about wanting to break the cycle for your little boy.

It sounds like he is feeding off you, and if you can seek help to feel more stable, calm and confident and can try to carve out more positive time with him, he will soon shine and the behavioural and emotional difficulties will possibly just disappear.

Please let this incident be a turning point though, as if you keep behaving the way you describe long term, especially in a 1-parent household, that could potentially be quite damaging for him.

Good luck xx

He wasn't 'having a tantrum' or 'being dramatic' he was a child who has been feeling unwell who didn't want to eat as he hadn't got the appetite!
Sometimes unwell kids think they feel hungry but when it's put in front of them they don't fancy it.....my daughter has been ill the last few days and has done the same.
OP was understandably tired, stressed, but you shouldn't be blaming the child here.