Feeling devastated over how I've treated my DS

[Sendhelp101]

I'm hiding details as I don't want it outing and im ashamed. I've had a really really hard week with DS5 this week, absolutely hysterics over school saying he feels ill having to collect early etc etc. I'm a single parent working full time. Dr diagnosed him with a simple treatment for a common childhood problem. The issue is is he has barely eaten all week and nothing today.

Today the treatment worked and I asked him 3 or 4 times what he wanted to eat for dinner and he said anything he doesn't mind but I gave him all the options and asked him to choose so it was something I knew he'd like. He told me what he wanted and I spent a while making it and when I put it on the table he was hysterical again screaming and gagging saying he felt sick and didn't want it. We live in a tiny house that has no shade so was boiling from cooking at this point I was sweating. I lost my rag and said he absolutely wasn't getting down from the table until he had eaten. Cue more hysterics and screaming and gagging. I completely flipped and went to his side and scooped some onto his spoon and tried to spoon it into his mouth for him (I didn't touch him or force his mouth open or anything). He then spat it all out and was blubbering tears and shaking. I felt horrible and realised I just force fed my child.

I've been really struggling with his behaviour at the moment and with my own physical and mental health I'm just struggling to cope. He's an amazing caring kind funny little boy but I can tell he is turning into a shell of himself. I'm so ashamed of myself and feel so horrible for the way I've treated him I want to kill myself but don't want him to think its because of him. I'm always shouting, getting cross, not spending enough time with him etc. In reality I think I need help from social services and this breaks my heart as I was in care myself as a child and have put everything into giving my child what I didn't have.

I've now given him a horrible memory that will stick with him because I couldn't control my anger and give him a bit of bloody toast instead. Sorry I guess I'm just venting.

Hi everyone thank you for the continued responses. I do appreciate all typed of comments even the blunt/direct ones so no bad feelings at all to the poster who posted that. Sometimes it's what is also needed. For those who haven't read the full thread I did apologise last night and we had cuddles etc and he had a few nibbles. This morning he has asked for a buffet breakfast and is eating it all which is a positive.

He has never had a huge appetite and has always been a grazer a bit like me, he has problems with his bowel which have been ongoing for the last few years however its like getting blood from a stone trying to get the doctors to take it seriously. I also suffer from chronic iron deficiency which never sirts itself despite treatment so I'm sure there is some relationship there with both of us. I have seen the doctor about my mental health and asked for some medication however she wouldnt prescribe it as she thought it would effect other meds I'm on for another condition (which is controlled).

I will have a look at all the things people have recommended with regards to family/parenting support. We are semi rural so there is often nit much in out area but I will check! Sorry if I missed anything out I really do appreciate everyone who has taken the time to give advice x

There's a FB group that may be helpful for your iron deficiency, OP.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/3412143085483810

Hope that link works.

'The Iron Protocol (for Iron Deficiency with or without Anemia)'

OP you’ve already had loads of advice about what happened so I won’t repeat that but I just want to say when my kids have been poorly and are getting back to eating again the best thing I’ve found for them is to make a snack type plate with tiny amounts of foods they like(even if they don’t go together), so they can pick at any bits that they fancy, a few cubes of cheese, a couple of bits of plain pasta, a potato smiley face, a couple of bits of of chopped apple, a couple of chocolate buttons etc

For goodness sake the OP came on here for support, she already feels bad enough so obviously your post is going to make her feel worse !
really not helpful

OP big hugs to you both. Make the kitchen and food something to enjoy together. Get a packet of cake mix and make it together. Choose fruits and vegetables together and get him involved in cooking.

You were stressed, and I presume you have apologised and explained it won't happen again?

Another time, if it's something that can be reheated, put it in the fridge or freeze. After not eating for a while, eating anything is a good sign, regardless of whether it's particularly healthy

It sounds like you are being harsh on both of you, because you are understandably scared of the consequences of your DS not eating. You probably felt relieved that he'd agreed to eat something, only to have all the anxiety rush back when he didn't feel up to it. He may have felt similar- a little better, then anxious when the food was actually there. The smell of food might be difficult for him, if he's not eaten for a while. Maybe try toast/crackers initially.

I'd be surprised if this does stick with your son in later life. As a child, my dad tied me to a kitchen chair with nylon rope and force-fed me the cereal I'd refused to eat - to the point I was choking down vomit. What you did is not on that scale.

Imagine if this had been posted by a woman saying her male partner had done this. Doubt there’d have been any sympathetic responses. This place is amusing!

Your child sounds miserable and unhappy at school. It’s affecting his appetite and if this gets ignored soon you’ll have a depressed kid on your hands. Please look at alternative options for schooling

Absolutely this.

Just kick someone when their don't why don't you?
Has your son been constipated, I'm as asking as yoy said today's the treatments worked
If so he might still be getting tummy ache etc ,my son has chronic constipation some treatment can make him feels sick
It happens nobody is a perfect parent ,,it's Bern a stressful few days and you lost it dont beat yourself up .

You've already had a lot of great advice above, so mine may be a bit of a duplicate!

When you're giving him food choices, keep it between 2 only otherwise it's overwhelming. Keep all food simple and what you know he will eat.

Present it to him with no fuss, just continue to eat your own meal. If he doesn't eat it, one alternative that's easy or he can get down from the table.

You've said yourself that you're a grazer, just let him eat in the same way.

We often show love as parents in providing our children with good, nutritional meals. Unfortunately, kids don't read the same books that we do!

Right now, as long as he eats, it doesn't matter if it's beige or bits and pieces. His palate is likely to expand as he grows. As long as he's happy, healthy and energetic, you're doing something right.

Now go and have some silly fun with him. You'll both appreciate it.

I don't think it's comparable. I wouldn't feel desperately worried enough to try to feed my spouse as I would my child.
The situation is bad and OP has owned up to that. When your child won't eat it it's so, so difficult because one of our absolutely primal instincts is to make sure our children are fed.
The school issue sounds like it's causing a lot of anxiety for your child OP. Are the school supportive of you? If this were a child in my class I'd be working on ways to help you both.

Use it as a learning tool is the silver lining. Tell him you’re sorry and adults don’t always get it right. It’s important he knows that. Your stress levels are high. Deep breaths. You’ve learned who you don’t want to be today. As a result this won’t happen again. Sending love ♥️

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. My advice as a mum with a DS now a teenager who had a lot of issues around food due to undiagnosed health issues and sensory issues, is don't stress too much about what he eats or too much about how much he eats. Try and identify what he likes and give him that. Get some multivitamins too so you are getting some nutrients into him. Let go of any rules or conventions about sitting at the table, eating with this or that fork or spoon. Take the stress away. If he wants to eat a piece of peanut butter toast walking around the kitchen, all good. He's eating. He's not stressed. You're not stressed. If you have the time and it might work for the two of you get him involved in choosing food at the supermarket and prepping it. But only if this eliminates stress not if it adds to it. You are a loving mum. Let him know you love him and show him you do.

Get some help OP. Sorry but this is really horrible behaviour. 🙁

It's hard at 5 to get them to eat decent food. By then they've tried chocolate, ice-cream, crisps, chips, burgers etc.

It's a dance you have to do to try and get them to eat the healthy protein first and then the fruit or yogurt afterwards.

if you are a grazer then that can mean also, your DS may not be properly hungry as he's constantly snacking.

That also might not help you if you're iron deficient as iron has to be taken on an empty stomach. I always take any iron first thing in the morning and wait 45 mins before eating or drinking anything else.

I'd suggest you'd both benefit from a multi-vitamin to support you long-term with nutrients.

For lunches and dinners, a cheese sandwich (if possibly with brown bread) or ham is fine.

For dinner if you can try and get a little more protein in, even if it's chicken nuggets, that's fine.

Then some fruit, like chopped up apple and banana. To get a few more vitamins.

If you could get just those basic things then you're doing fine OP.

Kids are fussy sometimes at that age. Sometimes all the time. I know, I had a fussy DS.

I'd try to model 3 meals, plus 2 small snacks to him - or possibly no snacks for you, if possible. It might help your overall mood too. Your BS never comes down if you're constantly grazing. And your stomach never gets to empty properly meaning there's no chance for autophagy, which is when cells die off that shouldn't be there. If you're not giving your stomach a rest it's on the go constantly and may not absorb things so well. Allow it to empty, get hungry, eat well and repeat.

No high sugar stuff like coke etc. That definitely makes you swing up and down in terms of mood as your blood sugar swings up and down so much. I'd also say no fruit juices either. Just fruit. Again blood sugar swinging up and down, not good for sustained energy, not good for sugar crashes.

Good luck OP. 5 is hard. It does get easier as they get older.

Bloody hell. I'm so sorry.

It’s not going to traumatise him. Ffs when I think of the stuff we all went through as kids yes it’s not the best parenting but we’re not traumatised or incapable of living fulfilling lives as a result of it. Just don’t do it again and he’ll be bloody fine. Probably could’ve done with the telling off though!

Just bobbing my head up to say please don't be so hard on yourself, being a single parent is hard going and you had a moment. My mum was the same and I look back on incidents where she lost her shit and realise how fucking hard it must have been.

I also live in a tiny house that gets no shade and the Dalai Lama would struggle not to lose his shit in a house that's being cooked by the sun from morning until night. I've started putting these on the windows at the sunniest points of the day and they've MASSIVELY reduced the heat in this house. You cut them to size and they sucker on to the windows so you can put them up and take them down really easily

MaximoLife® Ultimate 100% Blackout Blind | Fits Any Window Size/Shape | 16X Suction Cups 25X Hook Tabs 32X Loop Tabs | Super Easy to Stick On and Take Down | Home and Away
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Also, don't open the windows at the sunny parts of the house, you're letting the heat in. I only learned this recently.

Came here to say this, I was a single mum and at times I really struggled. I do look back with some shame at some of the things I did and said. What I would do was apologise, explain why I had not been the best mum that I wanted to be and then try much harder. It is bloody hard on your own, you do everything on an emotional, practical and financial level. I was often exhausted and stressed, when you are a single parent there is nobody there to take over, Of course being on your own is better than being with a non-supportive partner or even worse an abusive one but there is no denying how tough it can be.

There is a picture book called 'When Mummy Turned Into a Monster', which is good for explaining to young children that we are not all saints. It's hard OP, but we are all just muddling along as best we can.

There is something particularly hard about seeing good food that you have prepared being rejected, but he's not going to starve. Offer less food in one go, I dished up tiny helpings and was usually asked for a bit more. The suggestion of more buffet type meals is another good solution for the time being. It won't last forever.

It’s horrible when a situation like this happens - when you do something that you didn’t think you would ever do and then are left feeling like the worst parent in the world. Most parents have found themselves in a similar situation.

The fact that you recognise you are struggling is good - the incident you describe wasn’t great but also isn’t the end of the world.

Op I’m here not to give you advice - I had a fussy child and used gummy vitamins and iced ‘milkshakes’ which were blended smoothies a lot!

I came to say you can not pour from an empty jug. You sound absolutely wrung out and past capacity some time ago. See this incident as proof that you need to take some time off (parental leave, sick or stress leave) and put 110% into your own well being. This is the ONLY way through this - your son is depending on a mother that is cared for. Can manage. Right now a call is needed to the GP ask to be signed for stress and do it. Once you have sufficiently recovered - lie ins, baths, film afternoon, eating well, walking and sitting in nature are no added expense.

Then take a look at yours son’s schooling objectively. What is going wrong or is it normal adjustment. You won’t be able to consider this properly without your full strength. If you dont do this, then burn out and illness follows. Take a break. Care and mother yourself for a while. This is NOT your fault, societal pressure and a lack of support has created this issue, not a lack of love or good intentions 💐 You are clearly at breaking point my love, and need help not judgment. It will be okay.

I’m not blaming anyone, the op described her child as “hysterical, screaming and gagging” in response to her putting his dinner in front of him. He might be feeling unwell but that is fairly dramatic, I’ve had sick kids too, they tend to push it away and if they screamed at me for giving them dinner I’d put a boundary in, sick or not.

Hey op. I did a parenting course at our local (ish) family hub. (used to be called Sure Start)The course leaders were absolutely brilliant but the most important thing was talking with and listening to other parents having similar experiences.

One of the patents was doing the course as part of the help they needed to get their kids back from care but they recognised that they needed support and a lot of what they were going through stemmed from their upbringing. I’m being deliberately vague so as not to out anyone but mention it because there is a lot of support out their now aimed at keeping families together and there is not the shame there was in the past about needing extra help either due to mental health or from having an upbringing without any parental role models.

I definitely recommend even just ringing up and asking about the courses or other support available just as a first step.