Feeling devastated over how I've treated my DS

[Sendhelp101]

I'm hiding details as I don't want it outing and im ashamed. I've had a really really hard week with DS5 this week, absolutely hysterics over school saying he feels ill having to collect early etc etc. I'm a single parent working full time. Dr diagnosed him with a simple treatment for a common childhood problem. The issue is is he has barely eaten all week and nothing today.

Today the treatment worked and I asked him 3 or 4 times what he wanted to eat for dinner and he said anything he doesn't mind but I gave him all the options and asked him to choose so it was something I knew he'd like. He told me what he wanted and I spent a while making it and when I put it on the table he was hysterical again screaming and gagging saying he felt sick and didn't want it. We live in a tiny house that has no shade so was boiling from cooking at this point I was sweating. I lost my rag and said he absolutely wasn't getting down from the table until he had eaten. Cue more hysterics and screaming and gagging. I completely flipped and went to his side and scooped some onto his spoon and tried to spoon it into his mouth for him (I didn't touch him or force his mouth open or anything). He then spat it all out and was blubbering tears and shaking. I felt horrible and realised I just force fed my child.

I've been really struggling with his behaviour at the moment and with my own physical and mental health I'm just struggling to cope. He's an amazing caring kind funny little boy but I can tell he is turning into a shell of himself. I'm so ashamed of myself and feel so horrible for the way I've treated him I want to kill myself but don't want him to think its because of him. I'm always shouting, getting cross, not spending enough time with him etc. In reality I think I need help from social services and this breaks my heart as I was in care myself as a child and have put everything into giving my child what I didn't have.

I've now given him a horrible memory that will stick with him because I couldn't control my anger and give him a bit of bloody toast instead. Sorry I guess I'm just venting.

Agree with this. Put the food in the middle and let him help himself. Has to try everything but only the amount he can finish. Get him involved in meal planning and stick it on the fridge. Has to be healthy but everyone can choose a day.
Today you messed up OP but you know that and it won’t happen again. He will be fine.

Being a single parent is hard because you're on your own dealing with everything and this situation is extremely difficult, you must be very stressed. I doubt this will affect him. What about you though? Can you get a break to do something for yourself? Take care

Look up iapt to see what courses they offer in your local area. It’s likely they offer a cbt based course on regulating yourself which will help you to gain some tools to use when your ds is pushing your buttons. I’d also see if your local children centre or his school can arrange for you to attend a parenting course like triple p.

You scooped food onto a spoon and held it up for him like he was a baby. He’s only 5 and very naturally they can be more baby-like when they’re ill. I once did the same for my then 5yo when he was ill - I didn’t do it angrily, he was just too tired and ill and needed some cossetting. He still reminds me of it fondly. Obviously doing something crossly versus calmly makes a difference, but this particular incident, which you’ve apologised for already, doesn’t sound huge to me. What sounds more significant is that you are - very reasonably - struggling generally, and that this incident feels catastrophic to you because you feel at the end of your tether. I hope you can find some peace and go easier on yourself, and also some practical help and advice - maybe the health visitor or through school?

You really care about him. We all make mistakes and do things we are not proud of. You just have to say sorry and move on. Talk to him about it.

You sound like a lovely, caring mum who lost her temper in a very fraught week. Who hasn’t? Please go easy on yourself. Apologise to him, shower him in cuddles and explain you acted that way out of concern for him. All will be well. He will grow up to learn how hard you worked for him x

I just wanted to say I’ve grown so much since I parented my first. I remember realising I needed to unlearn patterns, learn to be reflective and do better. I remember the shame realising.
I have grown emotionally, I have learned strategies and I did better. We now have a very good relationship. I still grow all the time as a parent with younger siblings.
You can absolutely do better, you are making the first steps. Keep reaching out and talking, ask for help when you need it and reflect. Importantly don’t end up in a negative self hating cycle. That is damaging and the cycle gets worse. It’s happened. Accept it, talk about it and move forward. Centre it around him and his needs, not your emotions over it.
The most important thing you can do is just keep learning and developing and seeking to move forward.

How can you be devastated over a pair of shoes????

Unhelpful. Op has already expressed remorse.

Op, you are being too hard on yourself. You feel guilty and are upset because you love and care for your son. It sounds v stressful and we are only human. Parenthood is hard when there are two of you, I take my hat off to single mums. I do hope you can get some support or help. But please don't waste any more time feeling guilty. Apologise and tell your son you love him which I am sure he knows and move on. Sending hugs x

Trauma is partly caused by scary experiences but also largely about not having the tools to understand or process them. Chat about it gently at a time when you are both calm - apologise and give him a chance to express his feelings. But there's no need to panic or make a big deal of this - it was a one-off mistake and there was no violence there. The fact that you are reflecting is a huge positive sign that you are a good parent, dealing with a tricky situation.

The heat is horrible too, could you find some way to cool down your kitchen, sounds like that would help all of you be calmer.

I have a child with food aversions. You haven't done permanent damage I'm sure but start again with a better attitude tomorrow. Take away all pressure during mealtimes. You're his mother, you know his safe foods and preferences. Children don't need to be asked what they want all the time, I've found it puts them under pressure. Adults even find it difficult to decide what they want so make the decision for him and always serve a safe food along side the meal. So if he will always eat toast serve it alongside the pasta or nuggets whatever. Just serve dinner, let him eat what he eats and move on. There's nothing to discuss.

Like adults sometimes kids eat more one night and less the next. This is about building long term habits and comfort around mealtimes. Sometimes he might not eat a lot. Keep an even temper, this is a process. He will get there and I say that as a parent whose child took 6 years to eat one new food. He won't waste away yous have time to fix this, if he starts to lose weight you can address that. It may be worth asking for a referral for a dietician now so he is on the list for help if this becomes a long term issue. Start asking for help, get his name on lists if you feel he needs it and don't make mealtimes a battleground, no one wins. You can turn it all around!

Picky meals are fine if that's his preference. Putting the fun back into food might be an idea too

DIY pizzas etc - get pre made (mini) pizza base, some passata and pre grated cheese so effort is minimal on your side - let him put some ham/mushrooms/whatever on it or just cheese and tomato. Then they just go in the oven for 10 mins.

Try to have minimal effort in the meals so it doesn't feel to bad mentally for you if it's not eaten. In the above pizza example I let mine make one and if he doesn't eat it I do 🤷‍♀️ mines funny with food and often says he has a tummy ache or is full before starting a meal he picked too. It does test your patience. I do find that when I say 'oh okay that's fine' and ask if I can have some of his sometimes his interest increases as I'm happily enjoying the food and showing it's nice.

Other ideas if you want him involved in food making would be meals in slow cooker - mine adds ingredients before school and gets a bit excited to see 'what he made' after school. Still doesn't always mean he eats it but it helps with the positive mindset a little and you just leave it on to cook itself in the day. Works well if not eaten to portion up, freeze, and have when needed too.

Try to also (not when the food is there) talk about why we need food etc and the benefits it has for us. Be subtle if possible, e.g. talking about plants and saying 'these need water and sun to grow, like we need protein and vitamins' etc if he asks more then we can talk about energy for running etc coming from our food

Main goals just being that food = positive experience not negative - for you as well as him :)

Could you go part time to spend more time with him and not have so much to do? Universal credits could top it up. Go on entitled to and see what you could get going part time.

You sound like a good mum, it was sheer worry and frustration that made you lose your rag. Do you get any kind of break from your son? Being a mum is tough, being a single mum is 100 x harder!

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation OP but don't give yourself a hard time over this.

You could sit him down and apologise and explain you feel bad about how you've behaved and won't do that again and I think that memory would also stick with him and show him we all make mistakes when we lose our rag but we're always working to be better.

Now I am a SEN mum, I have a picky eater child, and this is advice you haven't asked for so feel free to disregard whatever I say.

My son is a picky eater. He also has a lot of anxiety surrounding school, and it impacts his appetite significantly.

We follow a bit of an Ellyn Satter method.

I never ask him what he wants, I ask him would you like X or Y, and then I make X or Y, but I always put a safe food like toast on his tray - not plate.

I don't tell him he has to eat this or he can't have dessert, if he was going to be allowed it anyway, it all goes out on the table.

This prevents decision fatigue and also creates a low emotional arousal approach to eating.

A lot of my sons meals are complete crap. The doctor literally said to us, if it's what he will eat that is what you feed him.

So sometimes on his tray he has a dish of strawberries or cucumber or watermelon, some pringles, an ice lolly, some toast and some turkey dinosaurs.

We also add a small portion of what we eat to a small dish too, but not always. We don't eat at the same time often enough for it to be always.

I don't know if your sons issues surrounding eating are chronic or relatively new, so this might not be helpful to you at all, but it has helped take the stress out of what we do when it comes to food and it also gives my child more autonomy over his food choices which decreases his anxiety.

Op, you mention random dizziness and pains in your body that keep coming and going. If there’s no actual physical reason then this could be a sign of higher anxiety levels. It could be a good idea to regulate your nervous system.

Please speak to your GP and in the meantime: be kind to yourself, as others have said, no harm has been done. You got this.

Could you set 5 minutes aside and do a simple nose breathing technique? Breathe in to the count of 4 and out to the count of 8 (if you can that long). Focus on the out breath to wind down your system. If breathwork isn’t your thing then maybe you could have a list handy of other things you could do to calm yourself. Go to this list when you feel the tension rising.

If my kid hadn't eaten for days on end I'd also be desperate to get something in them - I get it OP. You were worried and you wanted him to eat, I think that's fairly normal.

So you scooped food onto a spoon and put it up to his mouth? That's not force feeding whatever your anxiety may say.

I hope you had a happier, and calmer, rest of the evening. Unless he's skin and bones I wouldn't worry about him not eating much just now. I know it's hard but sometimes my 4 year old barely eats for a day or two (longer if she's under the weather) and I just go with the flow. If she's still running around like a mad thing she's obviously just not needing it, and I don't want her to learn to ignore what her body is telling her. And if she needs a day or junkier food then so be it.

As others have said please speak to someone about it. And give your son lots of hugs tomorrow, it sounds like you both need it. But please be reassured, if you were a bad mother you wouldn't be worrying. You ARE a good mother and your lad is lucky to have you.

OP stop. You are human and have had a tough week. We all lose our rag sometimes.

It’s so tough when they are ill plus parenting alone. Chat to him about what happened tell him grown ups get tired too. If he isn’t up for eating dinner just give him some snack type things for a few days. All parents lose it sometimes in one way or another.

christ op, you're human. so long as it's not part of a repeating pattern of behaviour and you apologise and learn from it, it'll be fine. My dad threw a bloody electric keyboard at me when i was 3 and has never had a day's guilt over it in my life. You said yourself your own health is in the pits; as others have said he might not even remember. this isn't illustrative of 'you' as a parent, what comes across hugely from your post is how much you care - probably too much judging from how much you're beating yourself up over briefly being harsher than you think was appropriate.

Apologies haven't rtft but Surestart offer Solihull Approach parenting classes, if there's one in your area the face to face classes are great (and free), but if not you can do the course online

https://solihullapproachparenting.com/

Reach out and get some help op, it’s what social services are there for. Sounds like you need a break. Most of us have lost or will at some point lose our rag. Talk to him tomorrow and rectify it, let him know you were in the wrong for reacting like that and at least if he does remember the incident he will remember that part too!