Feeling devastated over how I've treated my DS

[Sendhelp101]

I'm hiding details as I don't want it outing and im ashamed. I've had a really really hard week with DS5 this week, absolutely hysterics over school saying he feels ill having to collect early etc etc. I'm a single parent working full time. Dr diagnosed him with a simple treatment for a common childhood problem. The issue is is he has barely eaten all week and nothing today.

Today the treatment worked and I asked him 3 or 4 times what he wanted to eat for dinner and he said anything he doesn't mind but I gave him all the options and asked him to choose so it was something I knew he'd like. He told me what he wanted and I spent a while making it and when I put it on the table he was hysterical again screaming and gagging saying he felt sick and didn't want it. We live in a tiny house that has no shade so was boiling from cooking at this point I was sweating. I lost my rag and said he absolutely wasn't getting down from the table until he had eaten. Cue more hysterics and screaming and gagging. I completely flipped and went to his side and scooped some onto his spoon and tried to spoon it into his mouth for him (I didn't touch him or force his mouth open or anything). He then spat it all out and was blubbering tears and shaking. I felt horrible and realised I just force fed my child.

I've been really struggling with his behaviour at the moment and with my own physical and mental health I'm just struggling to cope. He's an amazing caring kind funny little boy but I can tell he is turning into a shell of himself. I'm so ashamed of myself and feel so horrible for the way I've treated him I want to kill myself but don't want him to think its because of him. I'm always shouting, getting cross, not spending enough time with him etc. In reality I think I need help from social services and this breaks my heart as I was in care myself as a child and have put everything into giving my child what I didn't have.

I've now given him a horrible memory that will stick with him because I couldn't control my anger and give him a bit of bloody toast instead. Sorry I guess I'm just venting.

Turn this around for yourself. You're being quite harsh. Try this:

I'm a single parent who also manages to hold down a full time job, despite the challenges of growing up in care. I love my parents but I realise that growing up in care and the events that led up to it must have had an effect on me.

This week has been extra hard with DS being ill and acting out. Despite that I managed really well but I have been seriously worried about how little he's eaten. This is a normal thing for mothers to worry about.

I'm worried that ordinary human reactions will mean I need help from social services and my child risks the same difficult childhood I had. When I see him upset it makes me feel he's having the same bad experiences even if he's not.

I get particularly stressed about him not eating and this evening when he wouldn't eat I tried to spoon-feed him and it upset him. I was angry and I don't like that either. I stopped immediately but I feel terrible.

Your judgement on yourself of needing social services, giving him terrible memories etc seems disproportionate to what you describe which isn't great but to be fair is something most of us have done. I wonder if your metric of what is normal has been skewed by your history.

When you feel like your losing your temper, leave the room. Just walk away calm down and come back, same if hes crying and screaming and wont stop, just leave the room until he calms down and then come back. It's hard I know as I'm currently trying it with my son but it does work. When they are melting down, they are unable to rationalise anything, so nothing you say or do can calm them down, which makes you angry and shouting.

I don't know what's going on with the eating but just go to the gp for help with that if it doesn't improve, forcing him (which I know was a one off) may give him issues with food.

I'm doing a course called the tripple p course at the min, it's not easy to get everything right and it takes time, but it may be of some help to you, if its offered in your area.

Bloody hell, cut yourself some slack.

Was what you did ideal? No. Far from it. But you've recognised it, apologised and are reflecting on it and that is the sign of a good parent.

We all have bad days/weeks/months and it's ok to be human and react badly. It's frustrating when kids don't eat what you've prepared.

Pick your battles here op. Toast is fine. Picky bits is absolutely fine. Cereal for tea is fine. As long as he's getting something in him to fill up his tummy at the moment, that's ok. When he's better, then you can worry about the rest.

If sounds like a cliche but count to ten when you want to shout, or wear a hair elastic on your wrist and ping it. I can default to shouty parent when I'm tired, overwhelmed or stressed and I really find that helps, and when I do shout, we always sit down together afterwards and I apologise and explain why I felt shouty.

I don't think you require social services at all, but some support just to help you out. Our school has a family liaison officer who organised or can signpost to classes, courses or even just talking to help, but most importantly to listen and support. Can you explore that?

My mother did this to me and caused awful problems around food and mealtimes for me
So did mine with rice pudding ... which I now love, DH tells me his Father did it with broccoli which DH enjoys now.
Don't be hard on yourself.

Op, sending you hugs.

My suggestion would be to repair. It can be as simple as a genuine hug and sorry, or empathetic conversation. Honestly, I’ve lashed out at my baby myself, and it feels horrible; however, I always, always try to repair the damage and I’ll tell you that I e grown from it.

sometimes we’re on automatic and it’s really really hard to break those cycles, but you can. If you haven’t done so already, hug your child and let him know that you love him.

You sound like a loving and caring mother, OP. You had said something about wanting your son to have perfect memories of his childhood, but I think that is unrealistic - practically no one has perfect memories of their childhood! It's good that you apologised - that can be very helpful, both for your relationship and to show him that people recognise their mistakes. You sound very tough on yourself, and perhaps going forward you can be less perfectionist. As long as he is safe and healthy, expect that the little things will not always go according to plan! And when you see yourself getting upset, try to remember the big picture and try to keep from saying or doing things you may regret. And you may still make mistakes because you are human, but you can apologise and own up to them. Your son will know how much you love and care for him, despite things not always being perfect.

Those people dont know your child or your life. Id try and deflect and change the subject if someone who responds this way is asking you questions they won't like the answer too. It's great you're going to apologise and own it, it's really important he knows it's not ok. I think its also important for kids to know that everyone fucks up sometimes and what the right course of action is when this happens.

I don't think this is something SS would really be interested in, but you could enquiry see if there are any parenting courses though them or in your local authority. They can be a good way to learn more techniques for managing when you're exhausted and stressed. I think though the biggest thing may just be finding a way to reduce stress and frustration and doing things in a way that takes less energy and time. Things like those easy dinners. You can make a healthy picky plate of little bits and pieces, he doesn't need a hot dinner, Id save those for the weekend. More importantly he doesn't need his Mum being stressed by trying to meet stupid expectations that dont actually contribute to her child's wellbeing.

I don't know you life, but Id be sitting down and thinking about tweeks you can make, things you can drop to make life easier for you both. You need support not to be beating yourself up over this. Lots of parents have been there in one way or another. It's not the end of the world, he won't be scared for life, but it is a sign that you need to find a way to reduce the load you're carrying. Cut corners, be efficient, drop things that matter and don't listen to people that want to impose pointless extra tasks on you.

He was a blubbering mess, it sounds so so sad. You say you've apologised but please give him a big big cuddle too OP (I'm sure you have already but just incase)

From your opening message, you did something probably more parents than would ever admit it, have done. Combine utter tiredness, the feeling you have met this little person half way or more and still you get the attitude. I wouldn’t offer an alternative though. Remove the offending dish, and serve it heated up at the next meal time. Offer a desert - but ONLY if the 1st course is fully eaten. Tell them it’s their choice whether or not they receive pudding (or a treat of some sort). Bribery…you bet. Good luck, and above all it’s tough on your own. Try and work with your son, he will eat, children very seldom starve themselves. But again I wouldn’t be offering an alternative.

OP speaking from personal experience - it is really freaking hard to parent well, when you haven't been parented well. You are probably carrying all sorts of grief and trauma of your own, which does a number on your resilience and mental load. You may never have been shown how to manage your own emotions, and now you are trying to manage your own PLUS those of a small person who is not well and also doesn't have good emotional management skills (because he's 5!). Plus, many of us come out of a rough childhood/youth with not much experience of 'good enough' parenting. We know how painful not-good-enough parenting is, so we are determined to do the opposite for our own kids, and build up these crazy idealised versions of what we should be & do - ideals that nobody can possibly live up to. Then blame ourselves (or our kids) when we fall short over and over again.
It can get better. It really really can. But you need support. You almost certainly need some trauma-informed counselling, as well as some peer support from other parents so you can see how often we all mess up, make up, and move on. You may also qualify for some respite support, so you can care for yourself.

The trauma you experienced may have been building up over multiple generations. And now you feel like you should be able to fix it all, right away, for the next generation after you. That's a HUGE load to carry and you don't have to do it all by yourself.

OP, there is no part of me that doesn't think you are doing your level best
We ALL are and it's bloody hard work at times. I'm a single full-time working parent too, and my teenage girls have had me at breaking point lately. It's not easy.
And look at it this way, a bad parent wouldn't feel bad or worry about any of this. You're a good mum and your son is lucky to have you!

Three points:
Another one here suggesting social services or contacting a voluntary organisation that offers help. I've a relative who offered respite care to families with difficult backgrounds (done through social services) and this was on a regular one day a week basis.
Do you need to work full-time? Go to citizen's advice and see how much top up you would be entitled to working part-time. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Finally, I was an awful eater. I think the majority of my meals consisted of some sort of cooked egg 😁 because that was all I'd eat. I've grown up fine. Give yourself a break and give your son the picky plates he likes. Makes for an easier life.

He'll be fine. Don't worry about it, so long as you don't normally do this sort of thing and it's not part of a pattern, it's just not important. Think of the hundred things you get right every week, nobody ever praises you for those.

You're not a robot and are allowed to mess up from time to time.

Think what you would say to another person who told you this story. You'd be far kinder to them than you are being to yourself.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and they don’t come with instructions manuals. Stopping being so hard on yourself.

you’ve said you think you need some support and that’s fine it’s ok to ask for help. Do you know how to get help ?

but while you wait for that help remember his childhood is different from yours and he has a mum who loves him and works hard for him.

my son is now grown and I still feel like I was a crap parent and someone else could have done so much better.

you might even have people in your life who would love to support you but are scared to offend. There’s a girl in my street with 3 babies under 5 and I sometimes want to say I’ll take them for a few hours to give you a break even just watching them in the garden you can go have a bath put on the washing machine whatever. That’s how it used to bed but now people would be worried you were a weirdo so no one offers.

goodluck if you think of anything anyone can do to take a bit of a burden just ask they’d love to help

Everyone loses their rag at some point with young children and things can escalate. You feel guilty but put it down to experience and find a way not to get to that point next time. Don’t beat yourself up. As others said give him a hug and tell him you shouldn’t have tried to force him to eat ect.

what stands out is that you gave him lots of choices. I think that as you just wanted him to eat something, you shouldn’t have asked him what he wanted but instead given him something you knew he would eat easily ie bowl of favourite cereal or toast.

OP, have you ever heard of ARFID? It stands for Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. People sometimes confuse it with anorexia in girls, but its not anorexia, its a manifestation of anxiety, often goes with neurodivergence, and involves extreme selectivity around foods and textures (which can change, so a food that was formerly safe can become unsafe). I'm just wondering because I have it and it was around your son's age when it really became apparent. Your description of the hysteria, the gagging, saying he feels sick sounds exactly like me of me when people would try to force me to eat things I couldn't texturally stand (think anything 'gloopy' like rice pudding, semolina, bits in a sauce). Its a manageable disorder, but as you've found, you can't force the child. It often goes with low hunger cues and lack of motivation to eat, but people with it generally will eat when they really need to so long as their safe foods are available to them and often will gradually expand. I'm for sure a lot better than I used to be, though still very sensitive to textures. Its just something to consider if this behaviour continues.

Don't kill yourself. That would be extra bad for you both.

Do seek assistance if that is what you think would help.

You are being honest and the day has not been the best. Start again tomorrow, and every day. You are doing your best and no one's best is perfect.
Most parents are good enough parents. Kid's need consistent, good enough parents, not perfection.
Your son will remember a reality that includes you coping with kindness mostly, and sometimes being over burdened and apologising and improving - he will take in how you strive to improve.
Ask the school if they can recommend a parenting course for children in Primary School.

Also plan to give yourselves regular weekly down times.

Affordable distractions from the hard slug of parenting:
Say, Movie Night - later to bed, pizza, popcorn, movie, laughing.
Go walking in nature more often with a picnic.
Join a church that has social groups of all ages and enjoy select activies that interest you - like singing, meditation, cooking, camping, charity markets.
Walk a friend's dog with them sometimes.
Swim, dance, listen to music.

Yes, if it's a one off. If the same thing happens again (or similarly apologising for shouting in general) then the apology becomes meaningless. Actions speak louder than words and all that.

@Sendhelp101 Like others have said, cut yourself some slack. You’ve recognised what happened wasn’t great and unfortunately it’s the result of a busy, hardworking single mum who was frustrated with her child - it happens. Now that the weather is getting better (hopefully)why do you try some picnic dinners after school in a near by park or communal garden if you have one? Lots of different things for them to try fruit and veg wise and no hot cooking involved. There’s lots of different quick recipes online for savoury tarts or mini omelettes that can be eaten cold and a great way to pack in eggs and vegetables - just get some ready made puff pastry or filo pastry to make it super quick Borge Lidl and Aldi do cheap ones (40 mins prep and cook) You can make them in advance too so cooking on the same day not required :) Getting out in the air will help you relax and wear your little one out a bit before bedtime.

I think you've posted this on the wrong thread?

It was wrong but you know that. That is the first step to changing. No parent is perfect, I'm sure every child would have an experience of a parent losing their temper. What matters is overcoming it and not letting it be a regular thing.
Talk to someone to get some help, it doesn't need to be social services right away. Speak to pastoral support at school or health visitor/school nurse about being supported on a TAF (Team around the Family Plan). Also see the GP about your own mental health. Try and get referred for some counselling to work through your own trauma.

It was a one-off. The OP knows it wasn't an ideal action.
Don't make this centre on eating disorders/other people.

Hi, previous posters mentioned rupture and repair; recognising and apologising for what happened can be a real turning point. The problems happen when the ‘repair’ bit doesn’t happen. Watch Dr Becky Kennedy’s TED talk, ‘the single most important parenting strategy’, she explains it much better.

You don't say what the common childhood problem is, but has that been causing stress for you as well? Have you been having to get medication in daily and has that been a battle? Is it a case of now the condition is over and dealt with, or will it be an ongoing problem?

Depending on what the condition is, there may be specific support out there for parents if it is going to be an ongoing problem. For example, there might be charities with helplines or Facebook parent support groups.

Every single parent I know has lost their temper at some point. I know I have.
Now you have learned about yourself and what pushes you over the edge .. be kind to yourself. You are doing your best and you will know how to handle it better next time.
Parenting isn't about being perfect. It's about learning and you are doing that. Don't worry OP.