Should I speak to the wife 6 years later?

[Anon31483]

I 37F was with someone 39M for 3 months when I found out he was married with a kid on the way. I found out it wasn't the first time he cheated during their relationship either. He cheated also before they got married. The guy is a compulsive liar. The reason I didn't speak then was that his wife was pregnant with their kid and I didn't want to cause any harm. Now I found out they had a second kid who is one. I myself moved on of course and my own kid.

However my conscience has been eating me up all these years. Should I speak up anonymously?

I said before that the most convenient thing to do is not to speak up but is this necessarily the right thing to do? No in my opinion. I was thinking to speak up obviously earlier but i also wanted to do it safely as well . Now I think it's safe enough if I was to speak up.

Don’t say anything, you just don’t know how she’ll take it. One mum I vaguely knew committed suicide because she found out her husband was cheating. She left behind three kids, one of them just a baby. It was so sad, especially when one of her kids was then bullied for it. Just stay out of it.

Don't kid yourself that you have any obligation to interfere in this man's marriage.

I was willing to believe that your motives might be good at first, but your subsequent replies have convinced me that my first instinct was right. Knowing the harm you could cause, I don't think your motives can be pure.

I think you want to satisfy your need for revenge and you don't mind what damage you might do to his wife and innocent children in so doing. Also, if you are a decent person, I don't think blowing his (and his family's) world apart will be as satisfying as you think.

You must find some other way of dealing with your feelings. Presumably, this has been eating at you for six years. Stop thinking about him. Don't pry into his family life. Let it go. For your sake as well as theirs.

You have no idea whether he is still cheating on his wife. Six years and two children later suggests to me that the marriage is working on some level. She probably doesn't want or need to know about the brief fling he had with you.

Whether his marriage is good or not, it is none of your business. Stay the fuck out of their lives.

In what way is it "safe" to speak up now?

Shitty thing to do to ease your conscience.

If you were going to say anything you should have done so 6 years ago. The time has passed.

And in what way was it not "safe" to speak out at the time?

The time to say something was then.

If you say something now, she has a far harder decision to make - its comparatively easy to leave someone when you're pregnant.

I agree with the poster who said you've invented an obligation where one doesn't exist.

No one will thank you for saying something 6 years down the line.

Normally, I'm in the tell camp but, in this instance, you're so obviously doing it out of a misplaced sense of righteousness that you absolutely shouldn't.

Because I have moved from where he knew I was living and I have changed numbers. So he has no way to trace me. Something another poster above said about a mum that committed suicide. I didn't think about it for sure. I don't know this woman. But I certainly don't think it's fair for someone to be living a lie (I had found out he was cheating even before they got married) or me to be deceived in such a way. The lies he said to keep seeing me were horrendous. Obviously I have now my own family to think about and my partner who knows about the story and he thought it was horrible and potentially dangerous.

Do you really really think it would be right to tell a heavily pregnant woman at the time that her husband is cheating? For me certainly it wasn't the right thing to do.

Realistically, what do you expect to happen?

She's not going to leave him, or even humour the idea of ending the relationship over some anonymous stranger's accusation with no proof. You admit he's a pathological liar, so it's likely he'll simply talk his way out of it. Ultimately, he'll continue to get away with it having faced no repercussions, and you'll have caused this woman a great deal of emotional distress to no gain.

If you think he is dangerous, then you would put his wife in danger by telling her.

Everyone is telling you not to tell her and you are not listening.

I've already told you that I have been in exactly that situation and it was absolutely the right time to be told.
Are you actually reading what posters are writing?

Wonder what your DP thinks of you still being occupied emotionally by a three month affair partner from six years ago?

Look you clearly want to ruin this guy's life and you don't care if his wife and two kids are collateral damage in the process. So you have waited six years to do this as you are now in the position that you personally will not be affected by any fallout. If I was your DP I would be thinking very deeply about your motivation and character.

Yes I've read for you. Because it was the right time for you doesn't mean It would be for everyone. When I was pregnant I was under a lot of stress towards the last months so I wouldn't imagine divulging this kind of info to anyone especially if I don't know the status of their health etc.

But you think now is the right time?
How can you possibly know that?

Me me me me
I I I I I

Dear god some people really do think it's all about them

You had the chance to tell her once the baby had been born if you were so concerned for her wellbeing whilst pregnant.
Why didn't you do that?

OP, you clearly are going to contact this woman. You always were. You just haven't found the validation you were looking for on this thread.
If you were ever going to tell her, it should have been at the time of the affair, when you found out he was married. Her being pregnant isn't an excuse. Do you think telling her now she has two young children with this man is going to make things easier or less stressful? Your desire to spill it now stems from your anger, not a moral obligation.

OP why did you title the post 'Should I' instead of 'So I am going to' and make it a statement rather than a question to begin with?

I think that it's pretty obvious that you are going to tell her anyway so not sure why you are even asking.

@OP "The reason I didn't speak then was that his wife was pregnant with their kid and I didn't want to cause any harm."

& exactly what harm do you think you are not doing by speaking up 6 years later when they have two small children.

Leave it - otherwise I genuinely think you will come over as bonkers or vindictive.

For all you know they got over this . Even if not I think the time has passed for you to tell her something which happened 6 years ago.

So, the only reason the right time is now, is because you have moved away. You want to drop a bomb on a young family's life to satisfy your hunger for revenge on a man you have been obsessed with for the last six years.

There is nothing morally right about what you are (obviously) going to do. You came on here because you wanted validation. You didn't get it, but you remain undeterred.

You are being massively and immorally unreasonable. There is nothing right or good about what you are going to do.

If you were going to tell her, six years ago was the time. Why were you opposed to telling a pregnant lady this stuff, but not opposed to telling it to a woman with two small children?

Surely if anything it was more moral to tell her at the time while she was pregnant with the first, to save her wasting six more years on this man and having another kid to single parent in future?

Telling her now is the worst of all worlds. You've not saved her any heartache because you still plan to tell her, but now her situation is a thousand times harder to walk away from.

I hope you will be happy when you have completely ruined another woman's life. You have no idea what she knows, you have no idea of the state of their marriage today. In fact you know nothing at all. You come across as very vengeful, you want to ruin his life and therefore stand a chance of ruining his wife's life. You don't seem to care about the children she has and what the effect of their marriage ending might have on them. Just step back and look at your own life and why you are so determined to do this. The time to tell her has long gone.

OP, just because you wouldn’t want to know at the time doesn’t mean she wouldn’t have wanted to, you took that decision from her. Why? Only you truly know the real reason you didn’t say anything at the time and her being pregnant is just an excuse you live been using. She may have believed you, she may not have. Also just because you think it’s the right time, doesn’t mean it is.

Would you really be happy if your DP’s former fling rocked up after 6 years to tell you about their 3 month fling.
Are you honestly saying you wouldn’t question the motives behind appearing 6 years later?
I honestly don’t think you would be happy at all.

despite your insistence, you are not over him, you haven’t moved on. If you had, then you wouldn’t have spent the last 6 years obsessing over it. You need to think about what you honestly want out of this and why you truly want to tell her and why now.

you are clearly going to tell her. Just be prepared for her to not believe you. Be prepared to be called crazy and bitter and jealous. Be prepared for the backlash that will be coming your way.