Should I speak to the wife 6 years later?

[Anon31483]

I 37F was with someone 39M for 3 months when I found out he was married with a kid on the way. I found out it wasn't the first time he cheated during their relationship either. He cheated also before they got married. The guy is a compulsive liar. The reason I didn't speak then was that his wife was pregnant with their kid and I didn't want to cause any harm. Now I found out they had a second kid who is one. I myself moved on of course and my own kid.

However my conscience has been eating me up all these years. Should I speak up anonymously?

Of course they shouldn't be, but the lives of others - especially strangers - are not our territory to trespass and police according to our own wants. We have no idea if we are wanted there and what we might trample upon.

We have no idea if we are not wanted there, either @NonPlayerCharacter !

If we know something to be wrong, isn't it our moral duty to make the wife aware of what situation she is in?

We have no idea if we are not wanted there, either @NonPlayerCharacter !

First, do no harm.

If we know something to be wrong, isn't it our moral duty to make the wife aware of what situation she is in?

In the endlessly complex and unknown world of a complete stranger's marriage with no idea of the harm you could do? Of course not. Other people's lives aren't our territory to police. Especially not six freaking years afterwards!

You'd be doing it to satisfy your wish to see a cheater get his comeuppance and that's all. That's why you wouldn't mind playing Russian roulette with an innocent woman's life and her family and think it's worth risking them. Because their wellbeing isn't your priority.

Do no harm is great @NonPlayerCharacter but there is also the quote about evil prevailing when the good do nothing. I'm talking broadly, not suggesting that what the man in this situation is evil.
My motivation has never been and would not be related to the person getting their comeuppance. I am not interested in punishment, just the truth.
Time and time again there are instances of people knowing a person is cheating or having an affair, yet the wife or the husband has not a clue. People won't say anything, the affair goes on perhaps for years, is eventually found out, and the person who has been betrayed asks in anguish why on earth those people who had known hadn't told them.

The truth is that you don't have a clue what the truth is. You've no idea if you're welcome or not, you've no idea of the harm you could do, and these people's lives are not your territory. If you're still willing to play Russian roulette with people whom you do not know and who are nothing to do with you, it doesn't matter how much you lie to yourself that you're just motivated by truth. You're taking a risk that isn't yours to take and throwing peril upon them...and that is impossible to justify by saying you're trying to care for them.

That's why so many tellers insult wives who don't want their intrusion, and title themselves as the moral arbiters who know best, as we are seeing on this thread...because once you accept the truth that the wife may well not want to hear from you, and that you may be a force of destruction - you can't justify it by claiming you have noble aims. You've admitted you think you have the right to override her if you called it wrong, that you know better even if she disagrees, that your belief about her life trumps hers. That's why it's so arrogant and entirely self serving.

Just stay out of the lives of people who have nothing to do with you.

I really hope you don't apply the same logic if god forbid something similar happened to a close friend or relative of yours cause that would be pretty shitty frankly.

When you are actually connected to the people and you do know something about them and you will be a support - and you aren't a stranger who's going to drop a bomb and fuck off - I think the situation can be different. And of course, you would have some actual evidence, because nobody would start something like this based on hearsay and speculation, I know.

If you actually know these people, and you really do believe they'd want you to tell them, and you'll be a comfort in the aftermath...that's different.

Total strangers or people who aren't your business, like your brief shag six years ago? Of course not.

I mean, once you know and are close to the people, it can't be the same logic, can it?

Although you still might judge it's best not to tell them.