Should I speak to the wife 6 years later?

[Anon31483]

I 37F was with someone 39M for 3 months when I found out he was married with a kid on the way. I found out it wasn't the first time he cheated during their relationship either. He cheated also before they got married. The guy is a compulsive liar. The reason I didn't speak then was that his wife was pregnant with their kid and I didn't want to cause any harm. Now I found out they had a second kid who is one. I myself moved on of course and my own kid.

However my conscience has been eating me up all these years. Should I speak up anonymously?

But why are you thinking about him so much?

You ended the relationship. The rest of it is none of your business.

I think there is something unhealthy about wanting to interfere in someone else's life. It might be a good idea to get some counselling - not to find out whether you should say something because you absolutely should not, but to understand why you are thinking about this so many years later.

I mean, you didn't speak up then because she was pregnant. Instead you have waited until she has 2 children with this sleazebag and now you want to say something?

This comes across very much as wanting to deal with your own feelings of guilt (and your desire for him to be punished) and not as though you actually care about her at all. At least be honest to yourself about that.

And I'm another one who's not a fan of the reddit (misogynistic cess pit) language being used here.

I dont need counselling. My question is more from the moral point of view. I dont know if they had counselling . What I know is that back then she was blissfully ignorant and likely it has stayed that way.

So ye I do think about this from time to time as it was a bad situation and not to be taken lightly.

Well there is an element of that as well as I don't like that I let it go without any consequences as well.

It was 6 years ago, for 3 months. Either she knows what he's like or won't believe you. Leave it alone.

Would you be so invested in his life and marriage if you didn't feel anything for him?

Many men (and some women) cheat on their spouses. Would you feel the same compulsion to get involved if it wasn't him?

Do you think his wife wants anything to do with a woman he had an affair with him six years ago (albeit not realising he was married)? Don't you think she would be suspicious of your motives for tracking their marriage for six years and then dropping a bombshell like that?

Stop telling yourself you would be doing a good thing by contacting this woman. You wouldn't and whatever your true motives, you would come across as bitter and jealous.

Concentrate on your own life and leave him and his family alone. That would be the right thing to do.

She definitely doesn't know. I'll see what I'm gonna do I have nor decided yet.

You would achieve precisely nothing by doing this. Just leave it. What do you honestly think would happen? “Oh wow thanks for telling me!”? More likely she’ll think you’re a head case and tell you to leave her the fuck alone.

If you’re still thinking about this then you aren’t over him.

I'm not gonna read what she has to say. I'll just volunteer the info and I'll say do with this info whatever you like, I feel I have the obligation to tell even this late. And she can proceed however she wants with this.

Seriously, why do you want to throw a bomb into another woman's life?

It would be very wrong of you to do this. You have invented an obligation where one does not exist.

I genuinely think you need help with this.

Morally, telling her would be the wrong thing to do.

Literally what are you going to gain from this?

She will most likely know what he's like and what he's been up to.

It was 6 year ago, you were with him only 3 months.
You have your own child why are you still thinking about this?

I really wouldn't @Anon31483

This post is very telling.
You start with the fact he had no "consequences ". And your question about doing the "right" thing is the last item.
You are still thinking about it 6 years on and your prime feeling is that he " got away with it".
I don't think you are struggling with your conscience. I think you are still angry that he deceived you and didn't suffer as a result.

I can't speak for what his wife would want but I can tell you my experience. I was cheated on whilst pregnant and I found out from the OW after she found out he wasn't single like he'd told her.
I was glad I found out at the time because I was able to decide what I wanted to do. The choice for me was straightforward. I ended it there and then.
I know that the OW's motivation in contacting me wasn't altruistic. Nor was she being vindictive. She just reacted to his deception by wanting to find out what was true and what wasn't. I spoke a few times with her and I have no animosity towards her.
However, if I'd stayed in that relationship without knowing about that affair and had 2 children with him and 6 years after the affair she had popped out of the woodwork to destroy my children's world, I'd be furious with her.
You don't know what's happened in the intervening 6 years. You can't give her true clarity about her marriage because you don't have that knowledge! That moment has passed - 6 years ago. Maybe he's continued being a lying , cheating arse. Maybe he hasn't. You don't know.
You don't get to stir up shit to ensure this man gets "consequences " without considering the lives of his wife and children.
You could have allowed her the dignity of being able to decide at the time.

Because everyone wants convenience obviously but the reality is noone should let people get away with this type of deception. If someone came to me randomly and said that my partner cheated on me then I have an obligation to myself first at least to investigate such a thing. Not sure still what I'm gonna do yet and how if I'm going to do anything at all.

If no one should get away with this sort of thing then you should’ve spoken up at the time. Bringing this up six years later sounds slightly deranged.

Reads like a chatbot.

If he’s cheated once with you, he’s probably cheated since, with other women since. So she likely knows he’s a cheat or will find out soon. I wouldn’t bother. You didn’t do anything wrong technically, you weren’t the married one. Yeah ok, you were trashy going after a married bloke but obvs regret it now.

Because everyone wants convenience obviously
What are you talking about?
the reality is noone should let people get away with this type of deception eh?
Your moral crusade is 6 years too late. You are motivated by a desire to see him suffer consequences. It's clearly been festering for 6 years.

You say you’ve moved on yet here you are, 6 years later making threads about him online.

Leave his wife be.

Let Karma deal with him.

It does.
Isn't it frustrating we not only have watch out for the under bridge dwellers, we also have to consider AI.

Sounds like you would be doing this for you, not her. If you really gave a shit about her, you would have told her at the time.

This is all about you and wanting revenge on him. Never mind the fallout for her and her children.

Leave them alone.

Excuse me but I didn't know anything whatsoever that he was married etc.

You say in your OP that you found out he was married and had a baby on th way!
No one is accusing you of knowingly sleeping with a married man.