Should I speak to the wife 6 years later?

[Anon31483]

I 37F was with someone 39M for 3 months when I found out he was married with a kid on the way. I found out it wasn't the first time he cheated during their relationship either. He cheated also before they got married. The guy is a compulsive liar. The reason I didn't speak then was that his wife was pregnant with their kid and I didn't want to cause any harm. Now I found out they had a second kid who is one. I myself moved on of course and my own kid.

However my conscience has been eating me up all these years. Should I speak up anonymously?

^^
This.

Trying to justify your emotions and behaviour then and now is not doing yourself any favours.

I hope you can appreciate that most posters here are trying to help you (and maybe prevent a replay of the experiences you've had) because you are still 'stuck' and need professional help.

As I've said before, if I had been cheated on 6 months or 6 years ago, I'd want to know. I honestly don't understand people who wouldn't want to know.

If posters are trying to help her, then why are some of them being so aggressive and quite mean in their replies?

Leave her alone.

Not half as aggressive or rude and name-calling as the OP trying to defend her actions.

And certainly not 'mean'. Giving honest opinions isn't being 'mean'.

What do you mean by being mean? Is it the fact we aren’t going yes OP destroy another woman to fuel your own ego?

Just because OP and clearly you can’t handle the response posters are giving doesn’t make them mean.

tbh the only one being mean and aggressive is OP because she can’t handle others not thinking the way she does.

You don't need to understand why. You just need to understand that some people wouldn't appreciate an unsolicited message from a total stranger - maybe even an anonymous message, how horrible - telling them their partner cheated six years ago. And if you don't know which kind of person you're looking at - and OP doesn't - you stay out and do no harm.

Good answer.

I would add that even women who would want to know don't want to hear it from the woman who is obsessed with their husband and family and has been stalking (or investigating as the OP calls it) them for information about their circumstances for the last six years.

The whole point of asking the question on MN is get the views of many other women. It's about trying to think beyond one's own personal viewpoint or opinion.

Your opinion is that you would want to know regardless. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But what this thread shows, is that lots more women are saying they wouldn't want to know 6 years later. We can not know what the wife would want. But there is a poll that indicates that it is far more likely she would be in the group not wanting to know at this point.

The OP had stated that if she was going to contact the wife, she would do it anonymously. Leaving the wife with no opportunity to clarify or question. The OP had also talked about the relationship she had with the married man in wildly dramatic terms. She referred to the wife as his "back up plan". She refuted that the relationship was a fling despite it being for a matter of weeks. It is likely that she would have included this dramatic narrative in her anonymous bombshell. Many on here felt that whole scenario would be incredibly cruel.

Having also read both threads it is clear that the OP'S motivation was focused on punishing the man not concern for his wife.

OP asked back in 2018 should she tell the wife and the majority said yes at the time. But OP chose not to. She said on this thread it was because she was concerned because the wife was pregnant. That was untrue because she was posting after the baby had been born.

Even now, after she has said she won't contact the wife, the reason she has given is to protect her partner and child. How on earth could they have been at risk?

I've just had a look at OP's previous threads. They're illuminating. This sentence in particular jumps out from the first one, though: "I am thinking to tell his wife because what happened to me was very unfair."

So it's nothing to do with the wife's benefit. It would all be because OP feels aggrieved and hard done by. Which she might well be, but how is that a reason to upend an innocent woman's life and her two children's? It's sheer vengeance, with the family not even collateral damage, since she wants them to hurt in order to get to him. More like sacrificial lambs.

I'm glad you're not going to do it, OP. Even the right thing for the wrong reasons is the right thing.

It's not that easy either though. If he was working late all those times where was the extra money? The overtime? The time off in lieu? She would have been suspicious. You are not the only one who could see him for what he is. Many other people in his life will also have known. People like him are cocky and eventually are reckless because they don't respect any of the women they are with, their gf or their wife. So often they don't care about being careful.

Anyway an anonymous letter would easily be explained away by him. If you ever were going to do it you'd need to put your name to it and give his wife the opportunity to ask you the questions she'd need to ask. Because a compulsive liar isn't going to ever tell her the truth.

Because he was lying to her non stop and claiming he was working late. Its not difficult. I'm not gonna reply to this thread now at all. Thanks to everyone

But he was lying to YOU too! For 12 weeks. Unless you tumbled sooner and decided to carry on (as you were convinced his wife was the 'back up plan' in case you and him didn't work out.)

(How you know that is odd. If you ended it the moment you knew he was married, how did you become aware that his wife was someone he was holding in reserve? Because to have had that conversation with him, the fling must have continued after you knew he was married.)

And you really have no idea WHAT he said to his wife.

All you know is what he told you he'd said to her.

And as he was liar, how could you believe a word he said?

Because obviously they want to bury their head in the sand. That's their own prerogative but I definitely don't see any harm to volunteer information that are really relevant to the wife and vital dare I say. She may choose to not do anything for all we know and just turn a blind eye. If she knows he is cheating already she is OK with it then no harm no foul. If she doesn't know however and she is not ok , these are vital info that will help her shape her life going forward. Of course a betrayal discovery is not pleasant but it's much better than living a lie imo. I certainly would want to know if someone I was married to was going out there posing as single and make me look like a fool

But most women in monogamous marriages would want to know this info. Also don't underestimate the ability of a good liar to cover up their tracks. People have led double lives for years and noone would know.

Because obviously they want to bury their head in the sand. That's their own prerogative but I definitely don't see any harm to volunteer information that are really relevant to the wife and vital dare I say.

You can't say that that's their prerogative and in the same sentence deny them that prerogative.

If you believe you have the right to make unilateral, unsolicited decisions about other people's lives because any choice other than yours is wrong, then own it. Don't lie about respecting their prerogative when you do it. It's not a good look when you're literally claiming to act for truth and honour.

Yes it's their prerogative what they choose to do with the info. They can take it or leave it. Their choice.

You took the most important choice away from them when you made a unilateral, life changing decision for them because it was what you wanted, and you didn't care if it was what they wanted. Even though it was their life.

None of you trespassers actually believe that the wife has a right to her own life; if she decided to stay you'd be furious, much as you need to deny it. You insert yourself into someone else's marriage because you want a certain outcome. If you didn't, you'd leave them alone and let them live their lives organically. If you did this to me I'd hate you, not thank you. You'd do it anyway, and still believe you were right, and that you were respecting my prerogative...while lying to yourself and to me about being driven by truth. The truth is that it's none of your business and you would be making decisions for me.

There's something really chilling about individuals who have complete moral certainty about the lives of others. No debate, not pause for thought, no consideration of the immense complexity of human nature and human relationships nor the specifics of a particular situation, just a sweeping moral arrogance.

Because obviously they want to bury their head in the sand. That's their own prerogative but I definitely don't see any harm to volunteer information that are really relevant to the wife and vital dare I say. She may choose to not do anything for all we know and just turn a blind eye.

I have been cheated on. I am not turning a blind eye. I am taking a conscious decision to forgive, rebuild trust and heal myself and my marriage. If someone pops up several years from now with an arrogant assumption that I don't know, thinking they were volunteering helpful information, I would be horrified. I don't want to be reminded. Unless you have been there, you cannot understand the devastation it causes. To think you can casually drop in and stir up people's lives is just a massive overreach and purely about absolving your own conscience, not the betrayed spouse.

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You have all nailed it.

No one wants to hear such devastating news from a spiteful, vengeful stranger.

Chrissie377 - you seem to think you need to do something about women who "bury their heads in the sand" like they are the problem and you are the generous solution.

You would rather see a family blown apart rather than keep out of their lives. You then try to wrap your spite in a pretence of being a better person. Of doing the right thing.

You pretend they have the prerogative to do what they like with the information, but in reality you want to see a family broken apart.

Why do you think the vast majority (94%) on here disagree with you? Maybe you think we've all got our heads in the sand. Or perhaps it's because we don't like spiteful, bitter, vengeful people who want to blow other people's lives apart in the mistaken belief that it will make their own life happier.

You are no better than the OP. If you have been let down by a man who chose to be with his wife instead of you, get over it.

Even if not wanting to know makes me an inferior, weaker person to those who feel differently, it's very important to understand that that's OK. I'm not obliged to make my life decisions based on what makes me as admirable and wonderful as someone whose business it isn't.

It's a purely personal decision based on how well you know yourself, your family and your situation and what you believe, based on this knowledge, is for the best for you all. Is there anyone who thinks a total stranger could know this as well as they themselves do?

It's astoundingly arrogant and presumptuous...and the insults towards the wives who would not appreciate this intrusion ("living a lie", "heads in sand", "that's not me" etc) are further evidence of this. Clearly you don't respect people's prerogatives in their own lives if you need to moralise and insult them for not wanting what you think they should want.

I'm just glad nobody seems, yet, to have accused those of us who say to stay out as being guilty OW. You usually get that pretty quickly and it's so offensive and ignorant (but fits with the moral arrogance). Anyone who can't think of any other reason why someone wouldn't want this is not emotionally evolved enough to be having the discussion.

Yes it's their prerogative what they choose to do with the info. They can take it or leave it. Their choice.

This is not a good argument @Chrissie377

You can't undo what you have heard. It's there- in your memory.

You can't choose not to hear what someone says.

Once it's done, that's it- no going back.

The motives of women 'who tell' are almost always revenge. Pure and simple. Getting their own back for being lied to and dumped.

I don't believe in this 'sisterhood' of the wife needs to know so I'll tell her.

'The wife' possibly already knows.
She may be playing the same away game.
They may have agreed an open marriage.
If she's savvy she has probably worked it out already anyway.
Women aren't stupid.
There are many many signs of affairs and most women have their suspicions.

You don't know a damn thing about the wife as the OP doesn't likely after all this time. Of course its OK to stay ignorant as its OK to want to know. You should be thankful however to someone who wants to tell you because ye its not OK neither for the wife nor the person that has neen deceived. OP said clearly that she was thinking about the wife as its clearly ignorant to speak to someone about something like this when the hormones are rampant and who knows what other health problems they have. She also stated the reason why she won't do it at the end

You don't know a damn thing about the wife as the OP doesn't likely after all this time.

So you realise this, but you still think you know well enough to crash into her life and impose things on her!

Of course its OK to stay ignorant

You were just criticising people who want that as having heads in the sand and in need of your imposition! And then in the very next sentence, you contradict yourself with "You should be thankful however to someone who wants to tell you". If it's OK to want to stay ignorant, OK to stay ignorant and other people have prerogative over their own lives, why on earth "should" anyone be thankful to someone who drops a bomb on them?

You are flat out contradicting yourself, over and over, because you are trying to square the circle of respecting a stranger's right to live their life free of your unwanted input and without regard for what you want them to do, with trespassing on their life and making permanent negative changes without any knowledge of what they want. These are two completely opposing stands and you cannot occupy both.

Other people's lives are nothing to do with you. If you did this to me and expected me to be thankful I'd wonder who the hell you thought you were.

You what??

So, your moral stance has shifted from " the wife should be told regardless" to
"The wife should told except in the 2 (very specific) scenarios that the OP has raised"

That's an interesting ammendment 🤔

I think you have just demonstrated what posters have been saying all along, that it is not as simple as you made out previously.

Of course you can't know what health issues the wife has - whether pregnant or not pregnant, nor can you know what other factors could be at play making her vulnerable physically or emotionally. And that's why the decision to tell should not be taken lightly. And may not be the right thing to do.

It's good to see that you are beginning to understand what posters have been explaining to you. You just need to extend that understanding to scenarios other than the ones proffered by the OP.

It's simply not a straightforward decision.

I don't agree that his wife might have already worked it out.
Some men (and women, but that's not the topic here) are exceptionally good liars. For years.
As a moral hypothetical, I think I would be tempted to make the information available to his wife. Just because I believe that people shouldn't be deceived in this way.