He just turned up

[AmusedPearlSeal]

I’ve got a bf of a year and a half, he never comes to mine. We live around a hour away, The last time he came to stay at mine was in December (that’s a whole other thread!)
Yesterday he asked me what my plans were for the evening, I said I was going for dinner with one of my friends and all our kids. We got home at 8.30.
At 10pm, I was busy doing something and saw something out of the corner of my eye and he’s standing there in my dining room to surprise me…it was very sweet but completely unannounced. After thinking about it today, I’ve been thinking maybe he just turned up to check up on me…how would others take this? He got up and left at 7am this morning.

I'm curious, did he give you a reason for just turning up?

Regardless of his intentions last night, he doesn't trust you. And you don't trust him, albeit in different ways and for different reasons.

The relationship appears to be over tbh.

he just said it was a surprise. I asked if he was missing me and he said he thought I might have been missing him.

Listen to your Mum x

These are the exact words I said after reading the OP.

None of this behaviour is ok.

All of it is controlling, and has the potential to turn dangerously abusive.

He is deliberately disfiguring your body as a warning to other men, and to you.

He is probably already tracking you.

He has free access to your phone, which you use for professional communication. Can’t imagine clients being happy with their messages being so freely available.

He scared your child.

I would send this one packing, but after putting safety measures in place first- doorbell camera, change locks, phone checked for spyware/ trackers.

Your judgement seems to be clouded by previous abusive relationships. It’s still abusive if it ramps up over a long time.

You have gone from one dangerous man to another. Walk away and then work on yourself, so that you don't keep repeating the pattern.

There are so many red flags here it’s more like bunting.

He’s got controlling written all over him.

I think you need to consider ending the relationship before he escalates even further.

God, this isn't just a red flag, it's a stream of red bunting.

Please don't stay in this relationship. And change your locks, just in case.

There is nothing sweet about what he did, and, after your updates, I'm surprised you thought so.

He is controlling and creepy.

I notice you didn’t answer my question about how old your daughter is. After your most recent update it’s immaterial. This isn’t a man I’d want around my children, or me.

This sounds just like my ex

At the time,we lived 2 hours away from each other (via buses as neither of us drive)

He would do exactly this-it was meant to be romantic

What it actually was,was him coming round to check I wasn't in bed with another bloke

He went mental when he did it and there was another bloke in my house

It was my brother (who he hadn't met at this point) who had come to hang a heavy mirror up for me

I should have finished it then but didn't
It got to the point I couldn't look at another fella without the screaming tantrum from him

Your gut is telling you to get away-id bet my last £5 on this being the same thing-he was checking up on you

And it will only get worse if you don't leave-who the fuck does he think he is?

Marking you like a dog pissing on a lamppost

This. Why on earth would a partner turning up without asking be creepy. He didn’t just appear in the kitchen, knocked on the window and OPs dd let him in. It never ceases to amaze me how MN can twist any nice gesture.

Why can't he just...knock on the door instead of hiding in the dining room?

Read all OPs updates before leaping to defend this creep if you would.

First of all OPs daughter didn't let him in, he let himself in after scaring the shit out of the OPs daughter.

He has also got form for going through her phone, reading her messages, and has put a love bite on her so people knows "she's his".

So no, in this instance Mumsnet isn't twisting shit, this guy came already twisted.

This x 1000.

He's a creepy abusive fuck.

How on earth did he get in your house? If you’ve given him a key in the past, I guess you are being unreasonable expecting him not to use it.

She was home and the back door was unlocked so he just let himself in and hid in the dining room 😬

The biggest oddity in OP's posts to me is having a restraining order against a (presumably) violent/weird/abusive ex and keeping your doors open. At night. You're lucky it's only the current boyfriend marched in (however creepy he is) and not the ex (or anybody).

Him coming wouldn't be a problem for me IF he'd be a normal person, not a red flag-shrouded weirdo. However, he is one, as OP's following posts clearly show.

Ditch him, lock your door. Wouldn't be surprised if it turns out to be a restraining order no2.

I’d end it. He’s showing really worrying signs of control. Checking your phone, going through your social media, turning up unannounced and letting himself in at night, asking to track your location on your phone, physically marking you as his territory. The fact your ex has a restraining order makes me wonder if you might not trust your instincts about these signs as you try to think the best of people? It’s not healthy. I’ve never once gone through my husband’s phone or social media, even though my ex cheated. There’s no trust from him yet you’ve done nothing wrong, which makes this a doomed relationship.

Facts.

So you have a restraining order against your ex?

I think it is weird and he is checking on you and there are some red flags here tbh.

If he was a regular visitor then it wouldn't be as bad....but he's not.
If he came to surprise and knocked and waited to be let in, or called out as he walked in.
How often did he come before December and did he often let himself in then? I suppose he did knock and your DD was there.

But the other stuff is more concerning tbh. Checking your phone etc

The fact your ex has a restraining order makes me wonder if you might not trust your instincts about these signs as try to think the best of people?

I agree. OP, I wonder if you mistake the red flags for evidence that they care? If you've only every really been around bad relationships, it's hard to know what a good one looks like. The Freedom Programme is good for learning that.

@AmusedPearlSeal

The other evening I received a text from a client, a man. I missed it until the next day as it had already been opened and read.
He did also once give me a love bite ‘so people would know I was his’

OP this ^^ is really not good. This man does not trust you, has no respect for you, is trying to track you and put his stamp on you because he sees you as his possession. Additionally if he's reading messages from your clients he has the potential to affect your work.

Change the passwords/codes to your devices ASAP.

Please ensure your doors are locked at all times and, if there's any slight possibility he's had access to your keys, that you change your locks, or barrels to your locked. Ensure your children always check who's at the door and don't let him in. Also consider getting a camera doorbell so you can see who's approaching your home. 🌹

@AmusedPearlSeal

I’m not sure how to check to see if he’s done it on my phone without my knowledge.

You could take your phone to where you bought it, to see if there's any tracking or spyware on your phone, or I'd even try any mobile phone shop, or type in your query on YouTube - which is full of information or just google your query. 🌹