He just turned up

[AmusedPearlSeal]

I’ve got a bf of a year and a half, he never comes to mine. We live around a hour away, The last time he came to stay at mine was in December (that’s a whole other thread!)
Yesterday he asked me what my plans were for the evening, I said I was going for dinner with one of my friends and all our kids. We got home at 8.30.
At 10pm, I was busy doing something and saw something out of the corner of my eye and he’s standing there in my dining room to surprise me…it was very sweet but completely unannounced. After thinking about it today, I’ve been thinking maybe he just turned up to check up on me…how would others take this? He got up and left at 7am this morning.

I wouldn't like this. It's exactly the type of behaviour that would turn me off someone. I'd feel like he was trying to catch me out. It would have been a surprise for him to actually knock on your door, but letting himself in is out of order. You could have been doing something you don't want him to know about, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. On the toilet, singing to yourself, wandering round naked, having a private phone conversation, have friends over etc. We're all entitled to privacy in our own homes.

I think that's weird but you should definitely lock your house at night!

That is so inappropriate. If you’d agreed he was coming round, you’d agreed the time and had agreed with your daughter that she’d let him in if he arrived early before you got home, fair enough. To walk in to a house with someone else’s home whilst there are children there and no parent? Not OK. It’s boundary pushing. How old is your daughter, by the way?

Imagine the worst case scenario: this man has targetted you for access to your children. How do you feel about him letting himself into your home unannounced when he knows you are likely to be out and your daughter was home alone? Still OK with his actions?

Listen to your gut here. You know something is off, even if it hasn’t crystallised yet at a conscious level.

If you don't trust him after 18 months, the relationship is dead.

Another thing, you say he last visited your home in December. This man is not a regular fixture in your children’s lives. Most men would understand they shouldn’t be in your home without you there. It is weird.

Just to clarify - I was at home, in the living room.

Fucking hell - I know MN sees almost all men as potential predators but really ? Based on NOTHING other than he doesn't usually come over and briefly alluding to something in 'December' but not expanded upon. -

Perhaps if you had told us that in December that he had wanted to put surveillance cameras up in your house then we could make a reasoned argument as to this visit BU/NBU.

However as there is no back story, surely a surprise visit from a partner of 18 months is nothing other than a romantic gesture.?

I do find the frequency in which so many posters leap to the assumption that, a man in a longstanding relationship first thoughts are nefarious and unpleasant towards their partners rather than romantic and thoughtful - really quite twisted - and perhaps a sign that they have been reading to many MN posts.

People forget that posters don't post about normal happy relationships. Too much MN would leave the less discerning to believe that every adult male is out to beat, cheat, gaslight and stalk us. The reality is that this is not the norm. Therefore I cannot see why this man's behaviour is strange in any way.

Asking to location share is also a red herring. I share with my adult children and dil. As they do with me. I asked my DH if he wanted to and he doesn't. Which I accept. It doesn't mean I think he is out shagging the local netball team. .

Location sharing is fine, I do it with my DD’s, but his response was asking me what I had to hide.

I’ve also had to ask him to stop going through my phone and reading my messages - his response again was asking what I had to hide. Going on my phone for Spotify or Google is fine, but going through all of my social media and messages is not.

The other evening I received a text from a client, a man. I missed it until the next day as it had already been opened and read.
He did also once give me a love bite ‘so people would know I was his’

So I do know that he doesn’t trust me, although I’ve never done anything to not be trusted. I don’t like feeling like I’m being checked up on.

He last came to my house in December as it was our one year anniversary, he doesn’t come often as we had problems with my ex turning up, so thought it best not to make the situation worse if he did turn up, but I have had a restraining order in place for almost a year now.

You need firmer boundaries

There's so many red flags here! I'd be ending the relationship as I'm absolutely sure he will get more controlling and intrusive.

He did also once give me a love bite ‘so people would know I was his’

Seriously, get rid and raise your bar far far higher

You’re in a controlling relationship and you need to get out. It will only get worse, especially if you’re not being compliant.

🤮🤮 the love bite! What are his redeeming qualities?

No, I would not like that. I don’t like people just turning up at the door, never mind inside the house!

your last update is full of so many red flags! End this! He’s controlling and creepy, violating your privacy and pushing boundaries at every turn. Look after yourself and your children and get this man out of your life!

For god sake love, he’s controlling and checking on you. Get rid of him! Your poor daughter getting mixed up in it. Do NOT take things any further with this creepy twat, IT WILL GET WORSE.

He's controlling, doesn't trust you, is creepy, and you're now going to lock your doors to prevent the man re-entering your house. Sounds like you need a restraining order on this one too.
Get him dumped and do the Freedom Project. This man is nightmare fuel.

Wow the latest update is red flag central 😳
End it, block, change locks!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He marked your body to show a Client you see in a professional capacity that you were taken....

He marked your body, worse than a dog passing on " his spot " please finish things, this man has serious issues that are not your problem to fix.

Crikey. He is weird and stalkerish. I would get rid fast.

Jesus, OP.
This is not a healthy relationship!! You have had one partner that has to be managed by a restraining order - this one could be going the same way if you don't get rid!!!

Bloody hell- he comes into your house without telling you, wants to track your location and goes through your phone knowing you dont like it and you are wondering if this is normal?

NO. It's fcking not. This is deeply disturbing controlling behaviour and you should get rid of him immediately. This will escalate and it will get worse and worse and worse. Get out.

OP, do you think it's possible you don't know what a good relationship looks like?

You need to get out of this one pretty swiftish but with care.
My reaction after your first post was what did he intend if your dd hadn't been in the kitchen?

He was there to peep in and check up on you without you knowing.
You say he hasn't been to your house since December.
I say - that you know of.
Now with your further posts, I repeat you need to get out of this.