He just turned up

[AmusedPearlSeal]

I’ve got a bf of a year and a half, he never comes to mine. We live around a hour away, The last time he came to stay at mine was in December (that’s a whole other thread!)
Yesterday he asked me what my plans were for the evening, I said I was going for dinner with one of my friends and all our kids. We got home at 8.30.
At 10pm, I was busy doing something and saw something out of the corner of my eye and he’s standing there in my dining room to surprise me…it was very sweet but completely unannounced. After thinking about it today, I’ve been thinking maybe he just turned up to check up on me…how would others take this? He got up and left at 7am this morning.

You aren't seeing these things as the warning signs that they are. He actually told you that he was branding you as his, let alone all the other controlling shit. Ffs OP, this isn't a good man. Get out of this relationship and get rid of any tracking shit that he will have put on your phone.

This is not the man you want around your daughter. He’s manipulative and controlling. You need to finish with him.

Wake up! All this controlling behaviour and you still think it was "sweet" that he turned up uninvited to check up on you.
If you don't end this now you're on the road to being on the receiving end of serious abuse. And you're putting your children at risk.
Stop taking this so lightly. It's serious.

If anyone started spying on me they’d be getting fucked right off. Not only is it creepy and weird it’s also shows a lack of trust.

I have grave concerns op if you think this behavior is ‘sweet’

OP, the fact you made this post, shows that you know your gut instinct is trying to tell you something.

He sounds creepy and controlling. Sounds like he has issues he needs to resolve.

He still doesn't trust you after 18 months? He shouldn't be rummaging through your texts and causing you to miss client questions/requests.

You need firm boundaries, or to bin him off.

Turning up unannounced CAN be sweet, but this just feels creepy and weird, the fact he didn't announce himself when he was inside your home is really odd.

That was my immediate thought. He doesn't trust you, OP.

Dump him now and rethink your choices of partners.

I wouldn't have a problem with him knocking on the door to surprise me. But just letting himself in I absolutely would not like. I'd start locking the back door. You don't know if he's regularly in your house.

My ex BF ( saying ex but he actually passed away) lived two hours from me.. we would spend weekends together.. either at mine or go away to the coast etc..
He also had a motorbike and a few times he just turned up on it to surprise me if he had a day off.. he did ask what l would be doing that day ( l guess to make sure l was in).. l absolutely loved the surprise.
Nothing untoward or sinister.
Or checking up on me.
Did you have a good night together? Did he act like he usually does?
Say anything out of the ordinary.
I don't think it's actually a red flag..

Especially taken in tandem with the other behaviours you list, his actions last night are anything but "sweet". He's controlling and he was checking up on you.

You've got a restraining order against one ex. Please see this for what it is before you end up needing another for this guy.

Every post gets worse op. Run for the fucking hills. It’s also terrifying how little caution some other posters have on here about creepy men - 18 months of just seeing each other does not excuse one single thing this man has done, including walking into your partner’s house late at night. Just a big massive nope.

This doesn't feel right. He clearly doesn't trust you or respect you or your boundaries. Respect and trust are the two bare minimum foundation blocks for a successful and loving relationship. We give complete strangers minimal amounts of these on a daily basis. You'd think after 18m it would be well established and not something to have worry about.

For whatever reason, he thinks it's OK to treat you like this and keep tabs on you.

You have to options as far as I see it;

1. Make it clear what your boundaries and expectations are. There's absolutely no wiggle room or space to negotiate. Things like turning up when the kids are awake and uninvited are a huge cross over in boundaries this early in a relationship. Asking for your location. Just no. Not unless he's meeting you somewhere or picking you up. There's absolutely no need for him to expect this. He either trusts you or he doesn't. End of.

1. You cut your losses early and dump him before his controlling behaviour becomes more likely to surface.

From the sounds of it, you need to sit down and think through exactly what your boundaries are and how to clearly express them so you don't get walked all over. If you have already done this, and he's not listening, you have your answer already.

I wouldn't necessarily throw 18m away if these things can be ironed out. He also can not use the "my ex...xy&z..." Because you are not his ex (yet). You are your own person and deserve to be treated as such.

Going through your phone! Hell no.

Locks change and time to wave bye

Did your late bf:
Go through your SM on your phone
Go through your messages, including unread ones
Let himself into your home
Ask to put a tracker on your phone
Mark your body to show you are his
Turn up unannounced on a night when he knew you were going out with friends.

You bf was doing something sweet, and you know that because presumably you were in a safe, non-abusive, non-controlling relationship. But how can you not see that context matters? This action by this man is a red flag because it's not in isolation, it's stacked on top of a stinking pile of other controlling behaviours.

After reading all your updates I feel very uncomfortable about this man and I seriously think you should break up with him. He can become actually dangerous if you stay with him.

If he came to visit you regularly I’d say okay. The fact that he doesn’t really ever come to yours, and decided to show up late at night and leave early the next morning is very concerning. He was there to check up on you and who you were with. Otherwise, why would he not come another time when he could spend more time with you.

The rest of what you’ve said sums it up. Red flags. So many red flags. Leave him. Change locks. Block. Never see him again.

I had an ex that used to do this, then he started breaking in windows while I was asleep and standing over me while I slept. Turning up and walking straight into my friends house at 4am unexpected. Prank calling my work to check I was there. Tracking my movements with technology. Refusing to leave my house when I asked. Then he was violent and had a knife. Then he hid in the attic. Under my kids bunk beds.
Please break up with him and get a Claire’s Law.

This is so textbook abusive I am wondering if this is my ex that is your boyfriend. Please leave him.

You already have a restraining order on one partner. Now you are in another, equally dangerous relationship.

Reading your messages, demanding to be able to know where you are at all times through location sharing, turning up at your house and letting himself in uninvited to check up on, LITERALLY MARKING YOU AS HIS?

Do you seriously not see how wrong this is?

The fact that is the second relationship like this that you have had really makes me wonder if you need to take some time away from men and get some therapy to deal with your boundaries because at the moment, you seem to really struggle with them.

Please don’t let your daughter growing up thinking it’s OK for men to behave like this. He just walked into the house uninvited while she was there! And you’re now giving her the impression that it’s OK for men to turn up uninvited and walk past her into the house without asking her if they can come in, and that when they do this they get rewarded being allowed to stay overnight in your bed.

Please open your eyes and end this.

@AmusedPearlSeal It sounds like you've gone from one abusive/controlling relationship to another - please do the Freedom Programme, or if you've done it already, do it again.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Agree. If everything is okay in the relationship and he turns up to surprise you then it's a sweet thing to do. My dh has done it a few times before we were married. And I didn't find it creepy or weird at all.

My ex bf used to pop round,Saturday morning before work if I had been on a work night out Friday.
He did have a key and used to turn up around 8am, stay for 30 mins then go to wok. He lived,and worked at least 30 minute drive away.
Yeah he was defo checking up that I hadn't brought someone home

“He came to check on you to see if you had another man there”

Why would she had another man. It seems the bloke she’s with is more than enough to contend with without looking for another one as well. 🤣.

Similar happened to me once. Hadn’t even been seeing the guy for that long.

I was cooking for me and DD and then we were going to watch a movie while eating. So I hadn’t bothered answering his last msg as I was busy and left my phone in the kitchen.

As the movie was ending, he knocked on my door. (He also lived an hour away so had left home not long after our movie started!). He came rushing in, head turning from side to side to see who was there. I asked him why he’d come and he said “you weren’t answering my messages so I was worried”.

Yeah right, he was worried I had someone else there! Creepy AF. I sent him home saying it wasn’t convenient for him to stay and ended it the next day.

So many red flags in your situation OP. Get out while you can!