He just turned up

[AmusedPearlSeal]

I’ve got a bf of a year and a half, he never comes to mine. We live around a hour away, The last time he came to stay at mine was in December (that’s a whole other thread!)
Yesterday he asked me what my plans were for the evening, I said I was going for dinner with one of my friends and all our kids. We got home at 8.30.
At 10pm, I was busy doing something and saw something out of the corner of my eye and he’s standing there in my dining room to surprise me…it was very sweet but completely unannounced. After thinking about it today, I’ve been thinking maybe he just turned up to check up on me…how would others take this? He got up and left at 7am this morning.

Location sharing is fine, I do it with my DD’s, but his response was asking me what I had to hide.

I’ve also had to ask him to stop going through my phone and reading my messages - his response again was asking what I had to hide. Going on my phone for Spotify or Google is fine, but going through all of my social media and messages is not.

Fucking hell this is absolutely not ok!!

Location sharing or reading messages of a fully grown adult is never ok.

I bet your parents don’t even do this to you, so why are you letting a partner do it?

Why are you allowing this?

Get rid of him now!!

The other evening I received a text from a client, a man. I missed it until the next day as it had already been opened and read.
He did also once give me a love bite ‘so people would know I was his’

Wtf to both of these!

I once read some messages on my partner's phone (nosy and insecure), felt awful, immediately fessed up and apologised and haven't done it since.

What he's doing isn't remotely normal.

He was definitely checking on you. Not good op.

Time to get rid. Way too many red flags.

Why does he never come round?

Good question.

Yeah he was checking up on you, it's out of character for him to pop round but suddenly does because you've been out for the evening, he doesn't trust you. It's not ok he let himself in unexpectedly.
I find it odd he doesn't normally make the effort to visit you regularly, invited of course.

You have a restraining order against an ex. Now you think this guy is controlling.

Please do the Freedom program and spend time single before getting into another relationship.

😳

.....yeah men who are comfortable claiming women/humans as properly arent general good people- it also says they see whoever they own as less than them. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

I'd think about ending this relationship for your safety...and I would definitely assume he's put malware on your phone/devices, and potentially hidden cameras as well.
Maybe start grey rocking and backing away

he says he turned up as he thought you might have missed him - not fucking likely ! he hasn't turned up anytime in the last 4.5 months !!!

he turned up because he did not believe you
he does not trust you !

I'm confused as first you seemed concerned and now you are defending what he did. Well it's up to you but for me I find it creepy and also seems like he was checking up on you. Massive red flag

I'm on team fucking weird and creepy. Get rid! 🚩🚩🚩

A love bite to 'mark you as his' is a huge red flag.

Sorry op but so many massive red flags here.

He turns up at your house unannounced and lets himself in

He wants you to share your location to see where you are - for no particular reason

He doesn’t trust you but has no reason not to trust you

He goes through your phone and reads your messages

He then asks what you have to hide just because you asked him to stop going through your phone

He gave you a love bite to show everyone you’re ‘his’.

Wow! He has absolutely zero respect for your boundaries! He’s an abuser op. Research domestic abuse/ emotional abuse/ abusive behaviour in relationships and you will see that this is how it all starts - first it’s jealousy and possessiveness and then it gradually gets worse from there over many months, even years!

No she doesn't. @AmusedPearlSeal needs to end the relationship.

• checks up on her
• reads her messages
• Doesn't tell her she has a work message
• marks her literally as his
• is clearly projecting his own unacceptable behaviour

Chilling

OP- Run for the fuckin hills! 🏃‍♀️ .He sounds unhinged.

Jesus. This has more red flags than a Chinese Communist party convention.

I meant that she needs firmer boundaries full stop. This is her second abusive relationship that the OP is not recognising red flags in; she’s allowing men to behave badly and needs to come on mumsnet to check herself. Tbh if her boundaries were firm then things would not have got this far as she would have ditched him the FIRST time something happened!

You're not the poster from a fortnight ago whose boyfriend was so controlling that the DC had asked if you were allowed to do anything without his permission? She got branded on the neck as well and he demanded to read her SM and texts. And she had a previously abusive relationship.

Whether you are or not, this one's a fucking creep.

You have a restraining order on your ex?

I honestly think you need one on this guy as well. And a sweep of your house for microphones/cameras, and a sweep of your phone for tracking software.

Oh, OP, this guy is not a keeper. Creepy fucker.

The Freedom Programme might help you.

Thanks all for your comments.

I’m staying at his house tonight as it’s my birthday in the morning. I’ve been accused of cheating again. Demanding to look at my phone, I refused, but after a couple of hours of listening to him going on about how I’m a cheating cow and can’t be trusted, demanding to have my phone so he could look through it, I said I would show him that I had nothing to hide and that once I’d done that we were over for good.
He’s looked through my phone and found nothing, his response to not finding anything was that I’d been very silly not to show him in the first place! And that sometimes people get insecure.

I’m now downstairs, trying to sleep on the sofa, waiting for it to be morning so I can go back home and I will never be coming back.

Why wait until the morning to go?

So sorry op. I think you’re doing the right thing. Can you not leave sooner?
happy birthday btw