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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He just turned up

373 replies

AmusedPearlSeal · 17/05/2024 20:02

I’ve got a bf of a year and a half, he never comes to mine. We live around a hour away, The last time he came to stay at mine was in December (that’s a whole other thread!)
Yesterday he asked me what my plans were for the evening, I said I was going for dinner with one of my friends and all our kids. We got home at 8.30.
At 10pm, I was busy doing something and saw something out of the corner of my eye and he’s standing there in my dining room to surprise me…it was very sweet but completely unannounced. After thinking about it today, I’ve been thinking maybe he just turned up to check up on me…how would others take this? He got up and left at 7am this morning.

OP posts:
ThaTrìCaitAgam · 21/05/2024 07:27

He shows you how he is. Believe him.

Pipsquiggle · 21/05/2024 08:13

@AmusedPearlSeal
Sounds like you need space and time on your own and therapy.
You need to get comfortable being on your own.
Stop the cycle of abusive relationships - you can do this.

Original poster
AmusedPearlSeal · 21/05/2024 12:28

Today he’s started messaging and calling me on social media, he’s blocked everywhere else.

Is it best to just go completely no contact? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
Duckswaddle · 21/05/2024 12:30

DO NOT ENGAGE!

Ignore him or he will wiggle his way back in.

Boundaries!!

Gymnopedie · 21/05/2024 12:33

Is it best to just go completely no contact?

Yes. Or if you prefer - YES. You have no reason to be in contact, no shared children or housing, so why wouldn't you?

EggcornAcorn · 21/05/2024 12:35

With a thought towards possible harassment of you, respond stating that you wish no further contact from him, that he is to stop immediately and then block on all channels. Keep a screenshot of your request for him to stop contacting you. Police if he persists.

I am sorry.

Superduper02 · 21/05/2024 12:42

Block him on there too!! That would be the first place they would try to contact you after noticing they're blocked... and I think deep down you knew that. You obviously had feelings for this man, so for that I am sorry but you need to accept that you have dodged a predator.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 21/05/2024 12:46

No contact. And write everything down why he isn’t good for you (and your girls!). When you have the feeling you’re having a weak moment, just read it again. 💪

Trickabrick · 21/05/2024 12:48

I would unblock to send one clear message that you do not wish to have any further contact from him, then reblock on everything. That way you have a clear line in the sand if he doesn’t slink away.

KreedKafer · 21/05/2024 12:52

AmusedPearlSeal · 21/05/2024 12:28

Today he’s started messaging and calling me on social media, he’s blocked everywhere else.

Is it best to just go completely no contact? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Of course you shouldn't be in touch with him. Block him on everything.

Noseybookworm · 21/05/2024 12:54

Block him on everything. He has nothing to say that is of any interest to you. Don't let him get inside your head OP

dastardlyglobetrotter · 21/05/2024 12:59

Block everywhere

squirrelnutkin10 · 21/05/2024 12:59

Go no contact please l am surprised you need to ask!

For the future you need to be much more aware of red flags as they can creep in further into a relationship not just at the beginning.

Never be bullied into giving access to your phone/home/emails/where you are/where you have been....none of that is normal.

I don't expect access to my DHs phone and we have been married for eons, and him likewise...you should be able to be trusted...if not THEY have a problem so leave.
Don't involve your dcs again, keep you dating life seperate, image he kicked off badly when you broke it off and they witnessed it...
They should be kept firmly away from men you date for years ( not months) in fact until you are so so sure you can trust him with your life...

I second doing the Freedom Program also practicing saying no...actually practicing saying it and being unconcerned by the recipients response.

Guardiansoulmates · 21/05/2024 13:01

Definitely no contact for any reason. Other than to say you're calling the police if necessary.

BustyLee · 21/05/2024 13:07

And make sure you lock the door from now on!

FredsRoses · 21/05/2024 13:11

I'm sorry that the relationship came to this OP. I genuinely thought that when he first arrived, that he was missing you after being on holiday together, as my first DH used to do things like this, and I loved it, and him. Our marriage lasted 15 years, and only fell apart as we met really young, and developed into different people as we grew older, and gained more life experience.

However, with the other information that you gave in later posts, I can see that in this case I was totally wrong, and you've absolutely done the best thing.

Maybe take things more slowly in the future, and as others have said, really get to know a man before you introduce him to your kids. Good luck for the future.

mightymam · 21/05/2024 13:11

Urgh, reminds me of the Nick Norris documentary I watched last night. Change your locks.

IncompleteSenten · 21/05/2024 13:16

"Is it best to just go completely no contact?"

Erm, yes. Yes it certainly is.

To ensure that you can quickly escalate if he doesn't leave you alone you need to have sent a message to him you can show to the police as evidence he has already been told to leave you alone in the event he carries on trying to contact you.

It needs to be very clear. Very, very clear.

"Do not contact me again either directly or indirectly or I will report you for harassment" level of clear.

Olika · 21/05/2024 13:22

Absolutely no contact as that how he will start luring you in again.

Original poster
AmusedPearlSeal · 21/05/2024 13:51

I sent a message on IG asking for him not to contact me again and he is now blocked everywhere x

OP posts:
TheFoz · 21/05/2024 13:53

What on earth did he have to say for himself?!

Superduper02 · 21/05/2024 13:56

Well done OP. Good advice from someone earlier who said to write yourself a list of the reasons it came to this, in case you start to forget. Or just save this thread! Wish you and your family a happy and healthy life going forward.

nfkl · 21/05/2024 13:57

@AmusedPearlSeal Well done!!!

alrightluv · 21/05/2024 14:02

Good glad he's blocked

Original poster
AmusedPearlSeal · 21/05/2024 14:21

TheFoz · 21/05/2024 13:53

What on earth did he have to say for himself?!

That he loves me, he’s sorry and he’d like us to talk to say goodbye properly if I want to move on.

OP posts: