He just turned up

[AmusedPearlSeal]

I’ve got a bf of a year and a half, he never comes to mine. We live around a hour away, The last time he came to stay at mine was in December (that’s a whole other thread!)
Yesterday he asked me what my plans were for the evening, I said I was going for dinner with one of my friends and all our kids. We got home at 8.30.
At 10pm, I was busy doing something and saw something out of the corner of my eye and he’s standing there in my dining room to surprise me…it was very sweet but completely unannounced. After thinking about it today, I’ve been thinking maybe he just turned up to check up on me…how would others take this? He got up and left at 7am this morning.

Well done on leaving there this morning. You said that he doesn't have any keys, so make sure you keep eveything locked. Change your passwords on everything and get your phone checked for location software.

Now block him and don't look back.

I second getting a Clare's Law report on him, and also to do the Freedom programme. There are so many red flags in his behaviour, you need to know what they are and to get out at the first sign.

If you've ended it and he leaves you alone, I personally wouldn't do the Claires law request. What purpose would it serve? Sad to say but the police are misogynistic and if your last ex is the real danger, I would want them to focus on that.

That being said, if this recent guy harasses or threatens you in any way. Then please do contact the police. You still should be protected.

I second what everyone said about checking your phone/car. My weird ex who I wasn't even with that long, had hacked my phone.

Worryingly you seem to be attracted to very controlling and potentially dangerous men.

Do the Freedom Programme to learn how to stop this risky pattern of serial dodgy boyfriends.

The latest one sounds awful.

Please open your eyes to the pattern of why you choose sub standard men - Look for a healthy relationship in future.
Good Luck 🍀

Thank goodness you have finished with him. Be careful about your personal security, and the dc.

RTFT Op has already said her daughter let him in and the door was unlocked

Honestly? Sounds like you've picked another seriously problematic man.

Glad you've now ended it.

I'd go to the police about him as well; Claire's Law. Your safety is more important than what they might think.

The chances of OP being left in peace are pretty slim. She's been marked as his property and he won't let her get away that easily.

OP, get a Clares Law and bring him to police attention. If you haven't got a land line, invest in one now. You can dial 999 and they'll comd tound on 2 wheels if you kill the call without speaking. Try getting new numbers after blocking him on the old ones. Speak with HR who will help. On case he tries ringing/ turningbup at work.

Take care 🌹

As the Freedom programme shows, it isn't uncommon for women to have several abusive partners before becoming 'free' of them. The police will in no way judge you for any reports you make.

My jaw is hanging open.

Good for you for opening your eyes and being open to the freedom programme.

Please do not involve your kids in your future relationships whatsoever, let alone doing group sleepovers after such a short period of time. They need to be safe from having strangers injected into their lives. Your love life has zero to do with them and they should not be subjected to strange men. Please.

One thought - get your children to shout through to you,' Mum - Rob's here ! ' tell them you don't want ' surprises ' like that ever in future.

Even better tell the children not to let anyone like him in and if you are in the bath or whatever, the person can wait !

Not okay for me.

All this. Is your ex your children’s father or just some other random creep you’ve invited into your children’s life? Please take this seriously and be very careful.

Single mums who say they introduce men they’re dating to their kids only after 1 or 2 years get mocked on here sometimes but I completely understand them!

You’ve been given some great advice. I would also add, please do not rush into a relationship with another man. There is a pattern here whereby you have been in a series of relationships with abusive men and you need to end this cycle. The first step is a programme to help you recognise controlling and harmful behaviour because it seems you have difficulty spotting this.

It would be bad enough if this just involved you but there are also children to consider. Your DC should not have stayed over at this man’s house. You already had concerns about him and you placed them in harm’s way by allowing them to sleep overnight in his house. Please prioritise their safety.

I’ve just read all updates and see Op has now left - great news.

I wonder if all the ones who popped up saying it was sweet and mumsnet was full neurotic and paranoid women have any comment now? The red flags were very clear from the initial post even before the additional information.

And I agree with @Eastie77Returns it’s alarming that you took your kids with you AFTER this incident of the “surprise” visit, not to mention all the other things you mention.

How many unhinged men are you going to introduce to your kids ? Please let this be the last one, they don’t deserve that.

And as a poster said to leave the back door unlocked when you’ve had a restraining order out on someone is quite careless too.

This.

If this is someone you love and trust and all the feelings are mutual then this is surely normal and sweet?

it however sounds like this is a relationship with a lot of issues. You don’t seem to like him or trust his motives.

First off - Happy Birthday to you!!!! Your own birthday present to yourself is escaping the clutches of this particular individual.

Now - I'm going to suggest that you should contact the police about him. This bloke is going to go on to show up in someone else's living room or dining room or bedroom.
If you think you're making a fuss, do it for that someone else who may not be as fortunate as you have been, being able to get out of a relationship (of sorts) with him.

He sees women as possessions and not as people who are to be respected and trusted.
Please please go to the police. They will not think that you're making a fuss. You should be making a fuss about this particular individual anyway.

Stay strong!

Well you've given yourself the absolutely best birthday present ever OP in getting shot of this nasty controlling BASTARD.

If he comes calling and gets nasty please call the Police immediately. They know that women often have abusive relationships consecutively so they shouldn't think you're creating a "fuss" at all!

Get the Freedom programme going ASAP.
All the best to you

Yep!

I think the only way this would be "sweet" would be ringing the front doorbell or phoning/messaging to say that he was outside.

Even then you might feel that you had to let them in even if you didn't want to.

He has so many red flags sheesh. Make sure you’re NC with him. Def change the locks and make sure all your IT equipment can’t be tracked. Get a camera if you don’t already, better to be safe than sorry.

I know you feel like this, and that’s the reason why the freedom programme is mentioned and recommended because we DO make the same mistakes again if we don’t break the cycle.

You may need to involve the police and please do so at the first instance of him being difficult

the police will know you’re vulnerable because of the previous ex and if YOU know you need to get outside help to fix this, they will see that you are trying to learn to avoid these kinds of people in future.

whatever you tell them, they will have seen worse. They will help

dont let embarrassment stop you from getting the help and protection you need.

I don’t think they would. Most people know that women who have been abused by controlling partners often have low self esteem so are very likely to be targeted by the same sort of manipulative and devious men as a previous abusing partner. It can take a very long time to build up a belief in your self as a worthy person who deserves an honest, respectful, equal relationship with a man.

Baby steps. You can do it, remember you are worth it, and that by not allowing people to manipulate you you are teaching your children how to negotiate relationships and make better choices in their lives.

OP.. now that you've "washed that man right out of your hair" Hope you and your DC took advantage of the lovely sunny weather and were able to celebrate your birthday with a feeling of relief and looking forward to happy times together having got rid of your irritating excess baggage. 👏

CANCEL THE CHEQUE!!!!