He just turned up

[AmusedPearlSeal]

I’ve got a bf of a year and a half, he never comes to mine. We live around a hour away, The last time he came to stay at mine was in December (that’s a whole other thread!)
Yesterday he asked me what my plans were for the evening, I said I was going for dinner with one of my friends and all our kids. We got home at 8.30.
At 10pm, I was busy doing something and saw something out of the corner of my eye and he’s standing there in my dining room to surprise me…it was very sweet but completely unannounced. After thinking about it today, I’ve been thinking maybe he just turned up to check up on me…how would others take this? He got up and left at 7am this morning.

More holes than Swiss Cheese this story.

Difficult to know for sure but I would be inclined to think he was checking up on you

The first posts implied he had a key. A lot of people commented as to why he had a key if he’s never been to the house.

OP later said he’d come in the open back door.

OP already had a horrible man so why so easy going about leaving the back door open?

Later OPs mum advised changing the locks - why does OP need to change the locks if he doesn’t have a key?

Money better spent on additional security.

I sincerely hope OP is safe but I don’t feel wrong for questioning some of the details which were added as the story developed.

Change the locks whether you think he has a key or not
Get cameras around the house (front and back door)

Someone this creepy doesn’t usually accept it is over

Maybe I wasn’t clear…my mum had suggested that maybe he had hidden cameras around my house or a tracker to my car. He’s never had a key, because he never visited.
My back door is always unlocked when I’m home, as the dog likes to be out most of the time so I’m letting her in and out. They get locked when I go to bed.

So far, since I left his house this morning we haven’t had any contact. I’ve blocked him.
I do have cameras and the doors have been locked.
I had a lovely birthday after the awful night and morning, I spent the day in the garden with my DD’s, and we’ve made a list of all the things they’d like to do over the summer 😊

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/05/2024 20:08
WTF? That's serial killer/stalker territory.

I think you have to kill 3 people before you are considered a serial killer 😂

Well done for getting rid of him. Now change the locks and gently tell your children that he is not your friend and they must come straight to you if the see him anywhere again or if he tries to contact them online/ through school.

Onwards & upwards OP. Congratulations on dumping the prick!! X

YABU for saying he “never” (which means not ever) comes to yours, then saying he hasn’t been to yours since December so you’ve just completely contradicted yourself.

It's not the same as saying 'he has never been here'.
Catch up with OP'S updates.

Oh but it is.
I’m not RTFT when the first post makes no sense.

He seems like a red flag walking. He is way too suspicious and it seems like he would like to control you all the way.

I gave advice to throw this one back but it seems you beat me to it. YEA for you!

Glad you left he’s weird, “what are your plans for the day”, “nothing” (turns up at the front door…and rings your doorbell…with a picnic or disposable bbq) would be sweet, kicking about your house after you’ve been out for dinner etc. creepy AF! X

I am so very glad you have broken it off and blocked him. The words he used towards you when he wasn't getting his way is downright disgusting.

Just stay aware the next few days and keep your doors locked, even when it's in the day/early evening.

I hope you had a great birthday now that you have that weight off from around your neck.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!🎂

I haven’t dated for a long time, but when I did I used to love BFs turning up unannounced. I always found it very exciting. I have experienced controlling relationships but this was not the way the control manifested.

Honestly it would not be you causing a fuss. It would be you finding out what you’re dealing with. It could add to a bigger picture that the police already have. It could be protecting yourself and your daughters. Don’t avoid making a fuss.

I’m glad you’ve got away from him, he sounds very seriously abusive.
Definitely worth bolstering your self-esteem and embarking on the freedom programme or similar before getting involved with anyone else. I would talk to your daughters about why his behaviour was not right in an age appropriate way. They are learning from you. You and they are worth a lot.

OP, in case no one else has mentioned it, it's advisable to change your passwords. Especially if he has had access to your phone at any time - or any of your kids' devices (if any).
If your cameras are on a service like Blink where it can be accessed remotely, I suggest changing your password in case he has been able to log in (and if you can, force log out of any other devices logged in as a change in password alone doesn't always kick them out). Same for anything like an Alexa or Google Home.
Also, Google Maps has a function called Timeline and another one that allows you to directly share your location. They both essentially act as a tracker if either are enabled on your mobile.
Basically, it's sensible to "change the locks" on your digital life. Even if it ends up just being for peace of mind.

@Lamaitresse Now tell me, being as you're an Expert at Englishing© and a Veritable Virtuoso of Vocabulary®, what does the word "colloquialism" mean to you? How about terms such as "figure of speech", "relaxed/informal speech", "non-literary/poetic/artistic communication style", "common parlance", anything ringing a bell here? Any thoughts on what the most effective and commonly used style of functional communication across all dialects of the English language might be?

Glass houses, stones, et cetera et cetera.

I have just read all your posts op and I hope you are ok.

I just have something I am curious about. You mention that you are a survivor of DV so why do you keep your back door (which you use as your main entrance) unlocked? Dog or no dog many women who have experienced DV are hypervigilant. Why do you feel ok with your door unlocked until you go to bed? I lock my door as soon as I get home. Especially given that it sounds as though you have had serious problems with being stalked by an ex. You were savvy enough to involve the police - which takes a lot of courage and a lot of dv victims are afraid to do this for many reasons. So why the sudden lapse in judgement?

There is a bit of a difference with a repeated pattern of controlling men and a relationship dangerous enough to require police intervention. Most people who have experienced that - especially those with children - usually take quite a while to date again and are acutely aware of the signs of abuse. I wonder how you were able to be so trusting so soon. I am interested because it has taken me years to get over an experience of dv.

Another question: why did he say why he wanted your work location? Why wasn’t that a red flag for you? Why did you go on holiday with him after all the questions and accusations of cheating. I am not blaming you. I am just trying to understand. We are all different. My experience of dv was devastating to me. I never imagined I would ever find myself in such a situation and it had had a lifelong impact. I hear of other people with similar experiences going back out into the dating world and I would love to know how they do it.

Just read that you have a restraining order for your ex and again am curious about why your door is unlocked. There are so many stories of people disregarding restraining orders. If someone is so bad that you have to have a restraining order then you seem quite blasé about it.

@BustyLee I think I probably rushed into the relationship quite quickly after I left my ex, it helped me not to focus on him or I probably would have taken him back.
I developed an eating disorder after splitting with my abusive ex and due to the stress.
He was kind and didn’t treat me like my ex so I trusted him.
The controlling part seemed to creep in slowly, so it happened gradually and only more recently…I think maybe it started as I started to become more confident. When we first started dating I was a mess and my self esteem was really low so I would just do everything he wanted without question and needed constant reassurance.
I also don’t think I’ve ever really been single - I met my first bf when I was 14 and stayed with him for 8 years, my 2nd (the one with the restraining order) I was with for 12 years.

To answer your other questions - he wanted my location so he knew where I was, instead of asking where I was working that day.
I went on holiday because he begged me to give it another go after I had tried to break up with him. I have difficulty saying no to people.

The Guy that I have just broken up with was controlling and not violent like my ex, I probably ignored all the red flags because he wasn’t as bad as my previous ex.

I now just need to learn how to be happy being alone.

I’m sorry to hear that you have also been in a dv relationship.

@AmusedPearlSeal

The Guy that I have just broken up with was controlling and not violent like my ex, I probably ignored all the red flags because he wasn’t as bad as my previous ex.

I've often read this on MN. You escape from one abusive, possibly dangerous relationship, find the next one fairly quickly whilst you're probably still hurting, fearing loneliness, confused at how the last relationship went so badly.

The next man seems to give you validation, seems kinder, treats you gently. However, he's often a version of the last man but, because of the positivity you feel from him, you don't realise he's almost as bad, just with the volume of coercion and control dialled down enough not to alert you that you're in another bad relationship.

Give yourself time and continued counselling from a trained professional to help you recognise and break the pattern before you get into another relationship. Stay strong for your children as well as yourself. 🌹

The thing I think it is important to note is not that someone like op ends up gravitating towards these controlling men, but that they gravitate to her. From my own experience when you have been in one of these relationships it is written on your body, on your face, no matter how confident you think you seem/are - predators can spot you a mile off. They pick up on things that other people don't notice. Then they love bomb you - treat you with kindness (it doesn't take much because when you have been starved of real love and affection crumbs can seem like a feast) and then they've got you.

For some of us the lack of real affection stretches back into childhood. It is really sad. I have found myself at the mercy of predators my whole life and have come to realise that they come in the shape of friends, teachers, siblings, parents, employers, lovers - predators are everywhere. I now take my time to get to know people and as soon as I see signs of abusive behaviour I'm out.

@BustyLee a great post!

predators can spot you a mile off. They pick up on things that other people don't notice.

this could be understood that it’s inevitable, and we’re powerless. Where as the truth is the absolute opposite of this, we just need to join the dots and know ourselves

what they pick up on is our vulnerability. When we do the work on ourselves it’s like the vulnerability is the hole in our ozone layer (showing my age here) therapy/the freedom programme, and support from Mumsnet and friends in real life, fixes the hole in our defensive shield. So when someone comes along and tries out our boundaries in that imperceptible way these perpetrators do so well, we repel the challenge to our boundaries by our newly acquired self esteem and confidence of self worth.

when you see it in action, it’s breathtakingly powerful

For some of us the lack of real affection stretches back into childhood.

wow @BustyLee , I’ve just seen this. Omg that’s so bang on! I’ve put things together now and it makes so much sense! 🫶🏼