Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

Aren’t you bored yet?

I’m not making assumptions. You are obsessed with me making assumptions. I am quite factual and only respond to what I read.

I just don’t care about the weed smoking. It MAY have been a factor in the psychosis, it may not be.

Either way, He has my sympathy and I wish him well. Nobody serves to have their life turned around by a spliff.

@DriftingDora Here the post you asked me to recall to prove your exact words: “totally draining” and “drama”.

It is a very unkind way to describe someone with a serious, potentially life-threatening illness.

You need to leave it now. You have asked me to circle right back. Any further interaction between us on this subject will just keep going round in circles.

Happy to oblige…

DriftingDora · Yesterday 09:09

I agree with much of this. The OP needs to accept that she cannot continue to tolerate her son's behaviour indefinitely - it will make her ill and then who will care for the son if this happens? The point about his aggression is extremely worrying, too - and OP needs to be concerned for her own safety.

I can also understand why the OP's DH has had enough. It must be totally draining coping with this situation and experiencing the drama of it all and who would want to live with that for any period of time? Drugs, aggression, stealing, losing jobs - where will it end? So I have sympathy for how OP's DH feels - he's probably at the end of his rope.

Wow, what a shocking thing to say!

@strugglingflower son used weed to help him cope with loss of job girlfriend and the death of someone. He wasn't coping obviously and his frustration at how unfair things were spilled over. Have some compassion fgs.

I am so glad to read he if off weed and whilst he lost his job because he's still poorly, the fact that he went and found a job knowing he was well says a lot about him.

I'd personally ask him to sign on and claim benefits for a short while until his health improves. Stress and anxiety are killers and I don't mean normal stress and anxiety I mean extreme forms. Be there for your son, he's still young.

Your DH in his own way is trying to support you, but he's handling it appallingly. Can you get some counselling so he can see what he's doing or are you no longer in love with him? If you don't love him then it's over, but if you do, I strongly recommend helping him to see his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Whatever you decide, your son is vulnerable and comes first.

Sending a big hug xxx

I could never be with any man who asked me to choose between him and my child. A loving partner would never choose to put me in that position.

Aww you should think about becoming a counsellor or maybe the person that writes those little messages in hallmark cards.

Everyone a mental health advocate until it’s actual negative behaviours that stem from proper mental disorders. Her son can’t help it. His brain doesn’t function the way a normal brain should.

Wow, you can read! You're making progress with a little help from me 😂

So he only smoked one spliff, did he? (I presume your last sentence should say 'deserves'?) And it's all turned out really well for this man and everyone around him, hasn't it? You sound as though you are pleased!

And whether you 'don't care about the weed smoking or not' is totally immaterial. It's not solely about you and dictating your pseudo psychiatry theories, although you seem to think it is.

I have been in a similar position to your son, in psych wards etc for similar things. Your husband needs to "man up" it isn't something you get over overnight and he will need a lot of support to get back on his feet. He needs to work hard to stay clean and prioritise looking after himself. Is he under the mental health team? They may have groups he could attend when he is feeling stronger. Or local mind usually run support groups to enable him to meet other people and to get out of the house. Your husband is not supportive, of course you need to prioritise your son. I wish you well, things can get better for your son, it will take time to recover though.

You've now really shown yourself up, haven't you? Speaks absolute volumes about the kind of person you are.

So you have sympathy for drug addicts but not for those with alcoholism? Perhaps you could provide a list of those who are 'fortunate' enough to elicit your sympathies. Cancer sufferers obviously don't qualify.

Yes, you are boring, I agree with you there. But if you work on it, you might improve with hard work and effort.

Well done for derailing the thread and continuing the stigma about severe mental illness.

But I am really pleased for you that you have no experience of it as it’s something I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy and their family to go through.

So glad that you are pleased for me. Carry on making it up as you go along if it gives you enjoyment 😏

I do very much enjoy reading your spew though and then you attacking other posters about how they don’t know your views when you give off such a ‘vibe’.

I wonder. If this was a woman who's adult stepchild who was being abusive to her and her partner, presumably paying very little towards rent/supplies and introducing illegal and potentially dangerous activities into the household would we implore her to stick around? Or tell her to get out of there before she gets sucked even further into this shit show?

You have asked me to circle right back.

Er...could you translate this? What are you talking about?

Your DH is able to lock you out and leave you without the things you need for the night at a time when you are distressed!

This is not love. He is not husbanding you. He is not even caring as much as a stranger would. Even if very angry-he has other options.

I am really sorry you are dealing with the serious illness of your son and with finding out how limited your DH is too.

if he doesn’t want to support his wife then yes he needs to leave - doesn’t matter the gender.

The unacceptable thing is telling her to give up on her son.

I hope she does kick the DH out

Is son still taking his meds? How long has he been on them? The sickness could be adjusting to meds but shouldn't be this bad so he prob needs meds looking at being changed from professionals. Sadly its been proved that over use of marijuana causes mental health problems and psychosis. Believe me, i know. The ex ex was lovely until he started on the bong then he became violent, psychotic, paranoid, severe mental health issues. Id choose my son everytime. Has he got ongoing mental health support and counselling xxx

I love your comments, too - carry on, I SO enjoy reading them.

HTH