Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

You missed the point.

Psychosis is an illness. Cancer is an illness. Nobody chooses either although lifestyle choices can play a part. They are comparable in where our primary sympathies should lie.

You’re only enraged because you believe mental illness is a choice, not an actual illness.

If your son has been clean for 10 months, why is he still losing jobs?

You say earlier on My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting - and you mention later on that he's just recently lost a job. Why is he suffering from vomiting?

She put earlier it's because he's anxious.

I vomit frequently when very anxious.

I agree with this.

There are things we do that can trigger cause cancer - example sunbeds for skin cancer. We know smoking can cause cancer, alcohol doesn't help. We don't go saying that to people who have cancer because that's a heartless and wrong thing to say.

Weed may have triggered the psychosis but that doesn't mean that OP's son doesn't deserve some compassion. Psychosis is a horrible disease that can take a very long time to recover from if it can be and I think it's unfair to judge him as harshly as some people have been.

Unless he's vomiting in front of her she can't actually be sure that he's vomiting. It could just be that it's a convenient thing to say when he hasn't gone to work/exercised/got out of bed/helped in the house. Not saying that's the case - but could be. Ten months is a long time and apparently both doctors and PIP think he's well enough to work.

My Mum is disabled, can't walk far at all, only has use of one arm, has brain damage and forgets things within minutes and a lot more on top of that and they've also said she's fit to work.

I think you should give your husband your blessing to leave.

Aren’t you the little provocateur with your polite little put down.

This is a very patronising post. I don't think you are understanding the difference between some mild depression (for which you suggestions are appropriate) and a psychotic episode (for which they very much aren't).

You make an important point. It's one thing to say physical and mental health should be equitably approached (they should), it's another to say they should be treated the 'same'. You can't fake (for example) cancer. It's not uncommon however for people to blame poor behaviour and poor life choices on their mental health.

Continue to choose your son

I haven’t been doing any psychiatry. I know what you believe because you wrote it down and I read it.I am not making assumptions about your world view, I am responding to the words you used.

I have some sympathy for the husband. It sounds like the son’s condition is incredibly challenging and is being felt throughout the household. BUT my primary sympathies and support when somebody is ill always go to the sufferer.

OP’s DP is being a dick. You don’t shit over people when they leave a month long stay in hospital.

Here here! Seconded

No, wrong again - you can choose to interpret how you like, - but crack on, it'll give you something to do while you're also pondering on the crassness of your previous comments about cancer of which you should be ashamed. There are people on here who have suffered from cancer, or someone in their family has - how do you think your comment made them feel?

Oh, I forgot, you won't feel ashamed, will you? You might do, if it ever happens to you or someone in your family.

I have some sympathy for the husband

Oh, really?

My son is 23 and I could have written this post. DM me if you’d like a chat. It’s so awful. Just send yours huge hug x

You really shouldn't talk about yourself that way, StormingNorman.

Although I have to agree your words are well-chosen. 😏

It wasn't intended to be patronising. The OP directly asked me what I would do. This is what I would do, based on direct experience of a frighteningly similar situation which has destroyed the life of a woman like OP. The OP's son is not having a psychotic episode. He had one ten months ago. Now he's well enough that both doctors and PIP think he's well enough to work, but he's not working. He's lying in bed most of the time it seems and OP is allowing this and enabling it by hiding it from her husband. Who is now understandably angry.

Having had experience of this myself, it will take at least a year for your son to put himself back together again. I absolutely agree with you sticking by his side. Psychosis is not something you just recover from after a few weeks, it can take a long, long time.
I'm so sorry your husband cannot support you through this. Sending my love

Almost as embarrassing as a poster on here who compared cancer to someone who has smoked weed, been verbally abusive and refused to engage with medical professionals. Ring any bells, StormingNorman?

My comments weren’t crass. I said nothing about cancer, I used it to illustrate my point that mental and physical illnesses are the same and the suffered of both deserve our sympathy more than those who are vicariously affected.

Everybody on here knows someone who has suffered with cancer. Three of my GP died from it as did my best friend. That is literally why I used it as a comparable. Everybody can relate to it. Everybody knows what it feels like to have someone close go through that.

You only think it’s crass because you think mental illness is a choice. The patient is responsible because they smoked weed. The patient can control their behaviour. This is not me interpreting your words. These are your words. If you can’t face up to that then you know you need to do better. Otherwise own what you’ve said.

what you perceive as my crassness is really your own prejudice.

PIP is notoriously ill designed for scoring mental illness. It is based on physical abilities. Can you walk? Can you get out the bath?

PIP also has nothing to do with ability to work. You can work and claim PIP. You can not work and not get PIP.

You also seem to be assuming that everybody claims PIP because they can. I don’t. I claimed once and when it came to the review I didn’t want to put myself in that position again and stopped claiming. And I was one of the lucky ones, I got it first time without having to appeal. For me, it wasn’t worth the stress.

"and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up"

That's not "old school", that is ignorant.

Once again, especially for the hard of thinking: you know nothing whatsoever about what I think or I perceive, neither do I take instructions from you.

I, however, know that you equate someone getting cancer with someone who smokes weed, is verbally aggressive and refuses to engage with medical professionals.

I said nothing about cancer, I used it to illustrate my point

This makes zero sense. How could you have said nothing, but used it to illustrate your point? By thought transference, perhaps?