Husband furious, think that this is the end

[strugglingflower]

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

I didn’t compare cancer to smoking weed. I compared a serious physical illness (cancer) with a serious mental illness (psychosis).

You made the leap to comparing cancer to smoking weed based on your own judgemental attitude towards mental health.

Nobody 'chooses' to get depression, or be an addict either, your comments are stupid, ignorant and offensive.

I’m not sure YOU know what psychosis is. Of course it can cause abuse and stealing. It’s an altered reality that can change a person’s entire personality.

People HAVE faked cancer for money. Google it, there have been several cases. It's rare, yes, but some have. There was a high profile case in Australia called Belle Gibson (I think her last name was) and she sold health books she said 'cured' her cancer. There have also been phony gofundmes, even beggers on Mumsnet.

Thank you for your response, which I'll treat with the contempt it deserves.

I, however, know that you equate someone getting cancer with someone who smokes weed, is verbally aggressive and refuses to engage with medical professionals.

i compared cancer to psychosis to illustrate that physical and mental illness are comparable and it is the sufferer who primarily deserves our sympathy and support.

The rest was all you and your own ideas about mental illness.

If you think someone chooses to get severe depression or get an addiction (usually stemming from trauma), yours is the one that deserves contempt.

Would you advise OP not tolerate cancer sympathise with her DP because there’s too much drama and it’s totally draining trying to cope?

I thought you might like your memory refreshed on this ignorant comment.

Thank you for your other comment, which I will also treat with the contempt it deserves.

Most addicts have had severe trauma in their lives that have led them to try drugs as a desperate attempt to escape their pain. It's either that, or suicide. But of course, ignorant and uneducated people assume they are trash who 'asked for it'. The callous ignorance on here, even in 2024, when there is lots education to be had on this issue, is truly heartbreaking.

Those were your words I was using back at you.

You said to OP that you sympathised with DP because dealing with DS’s illness was too much drama and totally draining.

I was trying to explain that you cannot write somebody off as “drama” because they are ill.

OP I'm sorry for the hateful, ignorant, shallow, mean-spirited and uninformed comments on here. Your son is sick and hurting. He did nothing to deserve this. I'd tell your 'D'H to leave, in fact, I'd tell him I'm filing divorce papers first thing Monday. (Or, you can do them online apparently).

Oh dear, you're getting repetitive, aren't you? Must try harder.

As for the sufferer primarily deserving of sympathy and support, I don't agree. Nobody forced him to take weed, he made the decision himself.

The amount of ignorance around MH never ceases to amaze me. I’ve read some disgusting views on the MH threads on here hundreds of times, and it’s really upsetting to think that there will be people who struggle themselves who will read such things as they’re ‘weak’, ‘lazy’ , ‘druggie scumbags’ etc, and they will feel even worse about themselves. People say it with such conviction as well as if they have a clue what they’re talking about 🤣 it’s effectively victim blaming and should be banned.

I mean - we all know people can do things that make them more likely to get cancer and do things that make them more likely to have mental health problems. Equally, some people who do those same things won't get sick. Also, many people who are sick can have an attributable 'cause' - weight, lifestyle, doing a sport etc. Nobody should be blamed for their illness.

But nor should anyone assume that someone with a mental illness is not responsible for ANY of their choices. That their whole personality is mental illness (even nearly a year after their treatment started). Honestly same would go for someone with a broken leg who refused to do rehab.

It is getting repetitive, yes.

But your last post has made me realise you are hyperfixated on the weed and unable to offer any understanding to a seriously ill young man.

I think it’s best we stop hijacking the thread.

Goodnight x

And you are making assumptions about the young man in question, which may also be incorrect. But crack on, and enjoy your guesswork.

You said to OP that you sympathised with DP because dealing with DS’s illness was too much drama and totally draining.

I certainly do sympathise with DP/DH - he has been demonised by some on here and this is completely undeserved. But I'd love you to quote my post where I said the exact words you've used above.

You are very fond of putting your own choice of words in people's mouths, aren't you? Now prove I said those exact words you have quoted.

Very few on this thread seem able to grasp what it means to be psychotic/in the grip of psychosis.

smokers? People who eat UPFs or drink to excess?
did they not choose to have cancer?

What do you do? You support your son. Surely your husband can see how difficult this is on you, he should be supporting you, not giving you ultimatums! So sorry you're going through this, wishing you & your son the best 💐

Common side effect from the medication he is on.

Sounds very hard with your son. However I think you are right to choose him. Your husband is being selfish- of course; he cannot be bothered with it all and it’s not his son. He is not giving enough to be your real partner here. You deserve better. Best of luck to you and your son xx

@strugglingflower will the EIS offer any family intervention for psychosis. Can he be medically reviewed. Are you aware of the negative symptoms of psychosis (positive symptoms are delusions and hallucinations) but sometimes negative symptoms can be very disabling - withdrawal lack of motivation psychomotor retardation. Not saying that’s the case at all as it’s just a forum and I don’t know your son. Honestly can I check the synopsis as I read it is a young man in his early twenties did well at school and uni no conduct issues. Became depressed smoked cannabis this spiralled to psychosis where his behaviour became erratic and he was treated and stopped smoking? I’m not sure how he’s suddenly a drug addicted abusive thug but I’d say the media has a fair amount to answer for. I’d explore FIP (family intervention) and definitely choose your son. I think it’s thirds in terms of relapse some people have an isolated episode some have recurrence and some have a more severe/chronic presentation. It’s a difficult illness to experience but there is always an element of hope. I’d be trying to get the meds reviewed too. Is there possibly any over sedation? If he’s neurodivergent (more ASD than ADHD for this point) then side effect profiles in Autistic people can be a lot more complex and often autistic individuals are more sensitive to medication. EIS should avoid overmedicating but it’s a hard balance at times.

Apologies this was a bit of a ramble but he sounds like he was on the right track and things have become very hard for him and you. How many young people use cannabis and aren’t immediately drug addicted thugs when psychosis isn’t exactly anyone’s first choice. Yes cannabis is a risk factor but no one thinks they’re going to become psychotic until they do!! It’s a bit like people casting judgement on pregnant teens as if they’re the only ones having sex! If you need some more concise information on psychosis to look at with/give to your DH there’s a good Australian website where the EI model was developed. Orygen is the name. I think everyone should go and read the fact sheets if you aren’t sure what this entails and that it’s not confined to thugs who abuse their mothers.

I can see that someone might feel reluctant to take this on when it's not their own child.
But he is entirely unreasonable to not see the counter-productiveness of his ultimatum. Does he truly expect her to turn her back on her son?
Maybe I'm being unfair, he's just at his limit of what he can cope with, in which case the relationship can't continue. He can't take the heat so he must exit the kitchen asap. He is making things more stressful than they need to be, throwing petrol on the fire.