Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

[IfIGoTiAnotherWedding]

I am a divorced mother of 3. My ex husband was financially abusive and emotionally absent: when we split my sons were 4, 2.5 and 4 months respectively. He moved back to his home country U.S,A and has never seen the children since or sent a penny. Obviously it was hard. And still is.

I know a few widows. Some were friends of mine before they lost their husbands, some are new friends as we move in the same circles and have things in common, mainly solo parenting obviously. Like them, I have my children 24-7-365. In fact some of them have better family support (from two sides of their family), all happen to be in a better financial situation (whereas my ex left me with significant debts), but obviously they have gone through trauma and the death of their loved one, where I have not. I give them full credit for keeping going. It’s very lonely.

They never planned to be alone.
They never chose it.
I have utmost sympathy for both my widowed acquaintances, and for their children.

My AIBU is is it ok that there is SUCH a difference in how society approaches us. I have never received any offers of help or money. Obviously. My own parents are talking about offering a young widow who lives locally a few hours childcare once a week so that she can go to the cinema and have a break.

This was not something offered to me. I am listening to this thinking eh? They hardly know this person. I also am not sure if this widow would want such charity. She certainly wouldn’t if she knew that the sympathy is very much dependent on the term widowhood and not single mum.

Friend in question has already a rota of helpers.

Fundraisers, paid holidays - I don’t want them, I don’t begrudge my friends this.

I am just struck by the contrast between the “worthy” solo mums (widows) and the rest of us (unworthy) - Ditto for the children. This is not internalised stigma, the net difference is impossible to ignore.

My widowed friends are lovely people, they are devastated about losing their husbands and have no idea that there is this disparity in treatment.

The disparity feels like a throwback to more religious times and is akin to worthy poor versus unworthy poor. Anyway it sucks to be in the second category.

I can't work out if you are on a wind up or just incredibly naive @OceanStorm but hopefully this webpage can be a launchpad for some further reading for you

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/#:~:text=Danger%20and%20fear,likelihood%20of%20violence%20after%20separation.

What nonsense.

The time abuse first manifests is generally when a woman is pregnant.

What a ridiculous and ignorant comment and typically displays the attitude op is on about. Presumably she didn’t realise he was abusive until after she had the children. Talk about victim blaming. The op has been very respectful to widows but she does have a point about how there is a difference in how they are generally viewed and portrayed. I didn’t see it as a self pity post but a genuine question that is perfectly valid even if it’s not your experience of it.

Well done on leaving. Although it was difficult you made the change for your children

And yet they were exposed to endless abuse huge danger (my son nearly died) after I left because the court still required them to spend unsupervised time with him.

We don't know that this poster is a woman to be fair

Decent and loving men do not suddenly start abusing their pregnant partners.

The red flags are generally there well before this point in my experience.

He could’ve been a diabetic that drank, ate badly and did all sorts to precipitate his death. Something that could be avoided, if he took better care of his health.

Instead of ranking who’s more deserving, we could choose to be supportive of everyone.
Fact remains, whatever OP or the widow’s choice of partner was, we now have children being looked after by one parent; each needing support. That support benefits the parent, the children and society as a whole.

Thank you for acknowledging that I am respectful to my friends who are widowed. They are also lovely friends to me and as I said we have some things in common. I do not feel I need to apologise for lumping us in together because that would only make sense if the term single mum is offensive and an insult. I do not think we are the same and I have not underestimated their grief. I have also experienced loss and bereavement- still not the same as my husband was not the person who died. But sadly yes I do know that nothing can prepare you for death and nothing else in life comes close. If you haven’t experienced death you can’t even imagine, I agree.

A few mentions of benefits and liberal Big Daddy state that are not relevant to me specifically but interesting nonetheless. I have never earned below the threshold to qualify for benefits, am lucky to work full time and earn quite well although obviously a single income paying for childcare and paying off debts. It has taken me a while and there’s not much left over but that’s life for many people, not just me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I don’t want to get in to details about my ex. I should feel more angry and bitter towards him but I mostly feel pity. He’s possibly homeless by now, he had hidden debts and became a gambler in the latter period of our marriage. He stole from me in the end. He did not have form for that.

Some other reasons that marriages break down that I might call hard to predict -

spouse is closeted gay and comes out
spouse develops mental health issues
develops alcohol addiction
health issues that lead to personality changes

I don’t think these will be statistically negligible. But posters will say this almost never happens and the rhetoric seems to descend into it’s mostly scummy/stupid entitled selfish slags on benefits ignore red flags because they want to procreate/breed. The language is different, as I have seen on this thread.

As I say, I’m ok with it. I wouldn’t call myself entitled, selfish or bitter and if I am, it’s very much focussed on my disappointment with my parents, who come at this all with a lot of religious baggage and as a pp guessed, a bit fascinated with strangers and tragedy.

i acknowledge that the title should have been much longer : perceptions of societal attitudes towards widows versus societal attitudes towards women raising children alone for other reasons: perceived hierarchy and my personal observations based on my family.

but I can only hope that my posts packed out the title but the title did succeed in attracting the input of some people with relevant experience and insight.

None

None… why are you such a bitch?

Only a couple of posters have blamed single mums through divorce, none of the widows have as we are usually friends with single mums and recognise the similarities in the situation! I just think I'm lucky- my circle of friends includes divorced mums, widowed mums and mums with shit husbands and we support them all, offers of childcare/babysitting, lifts, not necessarily big things, but there's always someone to step up. I've stepped up for my friends who have two loving parents still together, because shit happens and sometimes people need you to quickly babysit or pop to the shop or just a listening ear.

Ignore the judgemental people, I describe myself as a single parent anyway (as saying widow leads to all kinds of discussions you don't want) and I do not care at all what others think whatsoever.

Therefore it's only right and proper that a widow is treated with respect by society and receives both sympathy and support? Whilst the single mum who chose to marry and have kids, who was then abused, cheated on or who knows what else, shouldn't receive any respect from society, nor sympathy nor support?

You are all kinds of awful.

HTH.

This. In bucket loads.

A friend of mine lost her husband to cancer at the same time my husband left me for another woman. She was rolling in insurance money, and has since married a widower, and they truly live the high life.
Maybe we should all buy insurance against marrying a CF?

@peakygold my husband didn't have life insurance, by the time we discovered his illness it was too late. I insured my own life and also took out mortgage/income protection at that point so my children would have that if I died.

I'd like to see a much more active and aggressive recovery of child maintenance from absent parents- it's outrageous they just manage to wiggle out of it so often, but surely with two living parents, the chances of getting money into the household compared with having one.

Only 30% of households have life insurance. Something to think about. Don't be us.

A friend of mine lost her husband to cancer at the same time my husband left me for another woman. She was rolling in insurance money, and has since married a widower, and they truly live the high life.

This seems unnecessarily mean and bitter about a ‘friend’

You should be ashamed of yourself.
Do you ask a widow “what red flags that he had poor health or lifestyle choices did you see? You should have been more discerning with your choices” when she loses a husband to cancer or other illness?

This.

Op maybe you should ask your Parents why they'd help an acquaintance with one child when they don't help you with their DGC?

Do they think the circumstances are completely different?

I think the poster who said their talk was just that is probably right they aren't going to babysit so this random woman can go to the pictures weekly.

@Bellsandthistle cancer, accidents and many other health conditions can occur randomly.

Kind, loving devoted husbands do not attack or leave their wives randomly

Why are you so dismissive of womens lived experiences?

Yes, men can just flip one day. It's not the womens fault either.

That can be true, that’s the abuse only starts when the woman is pregnant. What I can’t understand though is why anyone would go on to have 2 more kids with a man that turned abusive when you’re pregnant the first time. It never ends well for the kids or the woman…..