Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

[IfIGoTiAnotherWedding]

I am a divorced mother of 3. My ex husband was financially abusive and emotionally absent: when we split my sons were 4, 2.5 and 4 months respectively. He moved back to his home country U.S,A and has never seen the children since or sent a penny. Obviously it was hard. And still is.

I know a few widows. Some were friends of mine before they lost their husbands, some are new friends as we move in the same circles and have things in common, mainly solo parenting obviously. Like them, I have my children 24-7-365. In fact some of them have better family support (from two sides of their family), all happen to be in a better financial situation (whereas my ex left me with significant debts), but obviously they have gone through trauma and the death of their loved one, where I have not. I give them full credit for keeping going. It’s very lonely.

They never planned to be alone.
They never chose it.
I have utmost sympathy for both my widowed acquaintances, and for their children.

My AIBU is is it ok that there is SUCH a difference in how society approaches us. I have never received any offers of help or money. Obviously. My own parents are talking about offering a young widow who lives locally a few hours childcare once a week so that she can go to the cinema and have a break.

This was not something offered to me. I am listening to this thinking eh? They hardly know this person. I also am not sure if this widow would want such charity. She certainly wouldn’t if she knew that the sympathy is very much dependent on the term widowhood and not single mum.

Friend in question has already a rota of helpers.

Fundraisers, paid holidays - I don’t want them, I don’t begrudge my friends this.

I am just struck by the contrast between the “worthy” solo mums (widows) and the rest of us (unworthy) - Ditto for the children. This is not internalised stigma, the net difference is impossible to ignore.

My widowed friends are lovely people, they are devastated about losing their husbands and have no idea that there is this disparity in treatment.

The disparity feels like a throwback to more religious times and is akin to worthy poor versus unworthy poor. Anyway it sucks to be in the second category.

I don't understand this post. Both women, ones whose partner left them (or they had to leave) and women whose husbands died chose to marry and have kids!

Are you saying women in abusive relationships should stay because they "chose" abusive men? 🤔

Well they do.

I was married for nearly 20 years before he tried to choke me.

They walk among us.

I was widowed at 39. My boys were 12 and 15. I had NO help from family. Infact I was showering my dad who has alzheimers 6 hours after my husband died.... It might be that some get help but I didn't. I worked nights after his death, the only job I could get at the time, and had to leave my eldest in charge of my youngest. 8 and a half years on and we are doing great now, but my god it was bloody hard at the time.

I agree it's far too simplistic.

As awful as it is to say grief is possibly preferable compared with some of the horrific abuse women and children suffer at the hands of men. Some traumas last a lifetime.

I'm a widow. My kids were four and six when my husband died unexpectedly. I've never been offered money, childcare, help of any kind from people outside my own family (and they lived abroad so no help there either).
I don't know any other widows so have nothing to compare with, and I also don't know any single mothers that do not have their ex partners taking responsibility and having their kids some of the time and paying maintenance.

@LieutOliviaBenson no the definitely shouldn't stay. But it would have helped to be more discerning before choosing to have children and marry someone

Widows are single mums through no fault of their own.

You chose with free will to procreate three times with an unsuitable man.

I bet those red flags were flying long before he fucked off back home.

There is clearly a big difference.

I don’t see this as s thread about who has it worse, although the title suggests that.
its how people/ society view someone who is widowed against someone who is a single parent through another reason.
Sadly many of the replies show the op is right.

I'm a widow and i really feel for single parents.Its hard being on your own with dcs and I don't have many offers for help either. My kids are all SEND so people tend to avoid us and it's awful.

Are you seriously saying that being abandoned by your parent doesn't count because they might one day get to see them again? They are both EQUALLY massive traumas, its not a bloody competition. Not oh its ok they might see them some day. The only difference to me as a child was that I knew my mum had chosen to leave. We were all fully aware that we would never see her again and that all the time we were growing up we didn't have a mum because she was choosing not to be ours. Nice to know we should have just gotten over it, shame no one told my sister, maybe then she wouldn't be gone.

Obviously this is massively triggering for me, so I won't be back on, but I can see OP that MN is just confirming the fact that like you said only some traumas are worthy. That people like to compare and rank truama and worth instead of being empathetic and giving people the support they need without judging how great their need should be.

Wow. No sympathy for women in abusive relationships because they made “poor relationship choices” and just “wanted the man’s kids and damn the consequences”.
They’re irresponsible and expect the state to pay for them. This post is one of the most ignorant, misogynistic and victim-blaming I’ve ever seen.

This was not something offered to me

Did you point that out?

You are underestimating the complete and utterly grief that comes with being a widow. The kids having to come to terms with the loss of their dad.

I can't comment on the way widows are treated as I don't have experience, but I do think societies contempt of single mothers is baffling and infuriating. All the arguments of "you should have known from the beginning" really show such a narrow world view of how people and relationships work. It's akin to saying "but why don't abused women just leave?!". It simply doesn't work like that in the vast majority of cases.

It's also 100% true that society blames the mother (who stays) 100 x more than the father (who leaves). It's always the woman's fault for either picking the wrong man or not being able to keep her man - it's misogynistic. Yes, there are probably feckless women having kids with equally feckless men when the signs were there. But i rrally dpunt most women want to end up in crappy or abusive relationships! And given we live in a world where in every other instance of bad treatment you're advised to assume the perpetrator is ND or has been through some kind of trauma, why is this blanket "thinking the best of someone" not extended to single mothers?

I also note that men who end up in bad or abusive relationships are rarely told that they should have seen the signs before become enmeshed in the relationship - although I appreciate there is a whole host of other issues men in DV situations face.

I’m confused by your post. I’m a single mum and I definitely didn’t choose for my husband to walk out on me and my kids when they were pre-school age! Also widows chose to have kids with their partners too. Your post makes no sense 🤷‍♀️

@Hesma what red flags did you notice before he left?

@Hesma or before you chose to marry him?

FlippyFloppyShoe Thank you for your insight,Dad died when I was 8 ,now over 60 and have felt this loss all through my life .Back in the day it wasnt the thing to have Counselling ,you just had to "get on with it" My DM and DGP didnt want me to get upset either ,so it was almost as though he had vanished!Have had some counselling but still hurts .Yes divorced DC not easy but theres always a chance maybe to meet up at some point

Because imagine doing everything you're doing whilst dealing with the grief of your best friend. Grief of a relationship, or of a man you thought he was, is on a different scale, but that's not to say it's easy.

But seriously, how do you know "a few" widows if you're young enough to be in the throes of parenting still?

Yes, and a brilliant example of the judging that happens about single moms.
Proving OPs point.

Fascinating that the parent that stays and puts in all of the hard slog (almost always the woman) is the one that is judged.

But yes not. So it's irrelevant what should be happening

You are missing the point entirely 🤦🏻‍♀️