Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

[IfIGoTiAnotherWedding]

I am a divorced mother of 3. My ex husband was financially abusive and emotionally absent: when we split my sons were 4, 2.5 and 4 months respectively. He moved back to his home country U.S,A and has never seen the children since or sent a penny. Obviously it was hard. And still is.

I know a few widows. Some were friends of mine before they lost their husbands, some are new friends as we move in the same circles and have things in common, mainly solo parenting obviously. Like them, I have my children 24-7-365. In fact some of them have better family support (from two sides of their family), all happen to be in a better financial situation (whereas my ex left me with significant debts), but obviously they have gone through trauma and the death of their loved one, where I have not. I give them full credit for keeping going. It’s very lonely.

They never planned to be alone.
They never chose it.
I have utmost sympathy for both my widowed acquaintances, and for their children.

My AIBU is is it ok that there is SUCH a difference in how society approaches us. I have never received any offers of help or money. Obviously. My own parents are talking about offering a young widow who lives locally a few hours childcare once a week so that she can go to the cinema and have a break.

This was not something offered to me. I am listening to this thinking eh? They hardly know this person. I also am not sure if this widow would want such charity. She certainly wouldn’t if she knew that the sympathy is very much dependent on the term widowhood and not single mum.

Friend in question has already a rota of helpers.

Fundraisers, paid holidays - I don’t want them, I don’t begrudge my friends this.

I am just struck by the contrast between the “worthy” solo mums (widows) and the rest of us (unworthy) - Ditto for the children. This is not internalised stigma, the net difference is impossible to ignore.

My widowed friends are lovely people, they are devastated about losing their husbands and have no idea that there is this disparity in treatment.

The disparity feels like a throwback to more religious times and is akin to worthy poor versus unworthy poor. Anyway it sucks to be in the second category.

OP, I agree. It’s like comparing apples and oranges but the pain and the outcome for you has been the same.

im sorry other posters have not been kind.

your parents attitude really shocks me. What woman wouldn’t not help their daughter after she was brave enough to leave an abusive marriage.

God forgive me but your abusive husband has every chance of reappearing and destroying your life again. Something that cannot be easy to live with either.

im sure you’ve done a wonderful job of raising your 3.

I'm a widow but prefer to describe myself as a single mum. I'd rather not have all the wailing and if that means some people think I've had an exciting life so be it.
One thing I will say, I never knew how grindingly hard it would be to be responsible for absolutely everything and the sheer frustration of having be in two places at once. RegardIess of how it happened, I don't think single mums get the respect they deserve.

I think it’s a very unfortunate stance to take, comparing divorcees with widows, like it’s a ‘who has it worse’ competition. It’s not reasonable to make such sweeping comparisons, particularly when you’re attempting to compare such different scenarios. Apples and oranges, if you will.

Are your parents local to you? Have they supported you?

Sometimes people are weird and nicer to non-family members, I have experienced this.

But he’s not!

Thank you for the replies. Food for thought. There are nuances, there are many factors at play about what makes parenting hard, or we should accept that there are nuances. It so happens that I feel the divide keenly, it’s undeniable, echoed by the divide on here with the responses. It’s not a race to the bottom, just my observations.
I actually don’t want anyone to step in and make my kids lives better. I just happened to think they are as worthy of acceptance and support from their community as any other child.

I don't know any widows, and I imagine that is very hard. But I'm a single parent divorced from an absent, abusive man, and I agree that nobody seems to want to support me, even my own family who offer support to seemingly everyone else. My parents don't want me to rely on them, despite them having no evidence or past indicator that this might ever happen.

But neither of them chose to end up alone - presumably OP married and had kids expecting it to last, not expecting it to end I. Abuse and for him to skip the country without offering any financial support.

I agree OP (I’m nether widowed nor divorced, or married for that matter) but I can see that society judges single mothers very harshly for some reason.

I also don't recognise this. My mum passed when I was 6. I remember lots of people buying us presents (it happened at beginning of dec) but that's it. Luckily my parents had life insurance incase something happened to my dad. My mum's passing caused a big rifted in our family and I still don't speak with most of them. I have also seen the difference in growing up as a 1 parent family to my dads partner who's children have two parents (I know yours don't see their dad).

WTF. No, I have never been the beneficiary of 'fund raisers', nor would I wish to be. I work bloody hard to support my DD, who lost her father in infant school, and actually, can't even remember a time when he was well. I spent years of my life caring for him through illness, working full time and single handedly raising our daughter. I am not well off in the slightest.

I don't know if my life is easier than yours, but I sure as hell know I'm not a jealous twat though, so in that sense, I'm miles ahead of you.

I’m not jealous of you.

Yeah, sounds like it!

Boo hoo. Poor you. Feel better now?

Sometimes people end up in shit situations that were not foreseeable. Presumably you’ve never been so unfortunate otherwise you wouldn’t be blaming a victim of abuse for her bad choices.

I am a divorcee who has had a fair bit of help from others as he left me for another woman in very dire circumstances indeed. Most acknowledge I woukd have beem better off widowed as least I'd then habe 100% of the finances and none of the ongoing abuse.

That's not to belittle the experiences of widows, it's not a competition for who's in the worst situation.

But I take my situation to be different to others who have chosen to divorce, due to just not getting along, who often seem like decentish blokes. I'm not saying it's not hard but it's definitely not the same.

I am a divorced single mother and have been for the last 12 years. I can honestly say that i have never felt any stigma about being a single mum and have always been offered help when i needed it by family or friends! Plus being a single mum of four was way easier ( no matter how skint or tired i was) than being married to a narcissistic arsehole!

I've found that when people know I'm divorced they assume I wanted it, and no longer love xh.

I adored that man to the ends of the Earth. I still love him.

Every day he lives he's continuing to reject me. I've wanted to kill myself to end the pain, but won't because of the dc. My own mum said it would've been better for me if he died. Obviously not for him or the dc and I'd never wish it!!

My heart is still in pieces 7 years later. I meant it when I made my vows.

It's loss plus ongoing rejection.

I'm not comparing grief, I just want to point out that I've lost the love of my life. I'm raising our dc alone and it's devastating.

I agree op that people judge single mothers more harshly than widows. Widows are seen by many as being “virtuous” and “blameless” single mothers whereas divorced or never married single mums are seen as bringing it on themselves.

I don’t think one is necessarily easier or harder for those in the situation. But there is definitely different treatment and judgement (see on this thread even).

im a never married single mum. For some people that’s the lowest of the low. But I don’t think like that at all - I have a professional career, I work hard, I’m financially self sufficient and have a happy life with my family. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

She's not jealous of you. You've been through hell but your comments to another woman who's had an awful time albeit under very different circumstances are really uncalled for.

It's difficult to believe a bad character came out of the blue. There would have been signs beforehand

Really?!

I'm the not the one making comparisons here and assuming ridiculous things about free holidays and fundraisers (like that would compensate in any way for the trauma of being widowed or parenting children who've lost a parent). I'm not claiming to know anything about her circumstances at all. I personally think those ignorant comments and assumptions in the OP are compeltely uncalled for.

@OceanStorm read back what you have written. You are putting blame back on the victims of abuse. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Oh politely fuck off. Firstly why are you putting women against each other? But as you are I will do it myself. I’m a widow and I never got offers of help, support, childcare. Yes you are a solo parent but you are not dealing with bereaved child , my 15 year old boy who three times a year on certain anniversaries can’t cope with life, can’t get out of bed. Your kids dad may be absent but they have the hope/ opp that they can see their dad again. You have got me actually angry reading this and I’m a very chilled widow. I could go on for hours about why you don’t want to be a widow but Honestly if you want my life come and get and I guarantee you will be wanting to swap back within 5 mins.

Persephone there were absolutely no assumptions in my post. Granted I can only tell you what is the case for the widows that I’m friendly with. Nobody could deny that you and your daughter would have been more than deserving of financial help, given your husband’s illness and death, albeit you or he might not have wanted that.

The ignorance of this post.