Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

[IfIGoTiAnotherWedding]

I am a divorced mother of 3. My ex husband was financially abusive and emotionally absent: when we split my sons were 4, 2.5 and 4 months respectively. He moved back to his home country U.S,A and has never seen the children since or sent a penny. Obviously it was hard. And still is.

I know a few widows. Some were friends of mine before they lost their husbands, some are new friends as we move in the same circles and have things in common, mainly solo parenting obviously. Like them, I have my children 24-7-365. In fact some of them have better family support (from two sides of their family), all happen to be in a better financial situation (whereas my ex left me with significant debts), but obviously they have gone through trauma and the death of their loved one, where I have not. I give them full credit for keeping going. It’s very lonely.

They never planned to be alone.
They never chose it.
I have utmost sympathy for both my widowed acquaintances, and for their children.

My AIBU is is it ok that there is SUCH a difference in how society approaches us. I have never received any offers of help or money. Obviously. My own parents are talking about offering a young widow who lives locally a few hours childcare once a week so that she can go to the cinema and have a break.

This was not something offered to me. I am listening to this thinking eh? They hardly know this person. I also am not sure if this widow would want such charity. She certainly wouldn’t if she knew that the sympathy is very much dependent on the term widowhood and not single mum.

Friend in question has already a rota of helpers.

Fundraisers, paid holidays - I don’t want them, I don’t begrudge my friends this.

I am just struck by the contrast between the “worthy” solo mums (widows) and the rest of us (unworthy) - Ditto for the children. This is not internalised stigma, the net difference is impossible to ignore.

My widowed friends are lovely people, they are devastated about losing their husbands and have no idea that there is this disparity in treatment.

The disparity feels like a throwback to more religious times and is akin to worthy poor versus unworthy poor. Anyway it sucks to be in the second category.

Nah, you’re right. Calling someone a ‘jealous twat’ is pure class 👌👌👌

Nice one, Hun.

Fault
Selfish twat
Insulted to be lumped in with me

ok

I still don’t feel sorry for myself - I came at this from a a place of curiosity and I am blown away by some of the intelligent and interesting posts.i still feel there is a religious hangover at play.
I’m no less convinced that there’s not a nobility that does not apply to my category, just saying. I am head of a “broken family”. My kids have not only an absent father (his loss) but yes, disappointingly unsympathetic grandparents and a mother who dares to not want to see them or herself as less than, even though she is steeped in a a culture than leaves her in no doubt about this….

I do not envy my widowed friends. I will continue to support them, I don’t think they see me as less than and as a pp said, the grief tourism must be a pain, plus judgement if they move on.

It’s just a thing. Dare I tell you about some of the single dads I know (not many) and how society views them differently? As I said it’s not a race to the bottom and not pitting one against the other, just the water we’re swimming in.

Nice one, Hun.

Well, that's got 'class' written all over it, hasn't it? WTF?

Just sick .You are just ...

I also find it strange your parents offered help to someone else's' dd not their own whatever the situation.. but I don't think there's any point in drawing comparisons between widows and divorcees.

I wouldn’t be pitting these groups against each other though some of the posts on this thread have rather proved your point.

And the idea that a child whose father has abandoned by them might be fine because of the “hope” of seeing their father in future is very odd. It’s hugely traumatic to have a parent choose to abandon you.

That said I have had lots of offers of help and made some really supportive friends since becoming a single parent, though I do try to ensure I’m reciprocating where I can.

I think there is some truth to what you're saying OP. I know two women (one widowed, one divorced) with kids the same age and who work for the same company. The widowed woman gets more flexibility re: time off to look after her kids, working from home etc, than the divorcee, even though she has a much better support network locally (has both sets of grandparents local, and other family/friends). The divorcee is Polish and has no support network, but is expected to just manage.

Most people have a visceral reaction to death. This is what your parents are responding to. They are helping a woman whose husband has died; they’re not helping a solo mum.

Bore off now, this post isn’t about you. You said your piece, I thought you were rude and my opinion hasn’t changed.

OP, apologies for this back and forth. I clicked on your post as its title piqued my interest; I’m a lone parent, my son’s father has no input (financial or otherwise) into his life or upbringing.

I don’t actually know any widows, or at least not knowingly, so I don’t have any firsthand experience to reflect on and share. I can believe what you’ve observed to be true though, it fits well with the narrative of the deserving and undeserving needy, and the Madonna-whore complex; with widows in your example being the deserving and pure, and the rest of us being undeserving and spoiled.

I don’t have anything useful to say really, but I was sorry to read that you’ve not even had that support and sympathy from your own parents. Raising one child alone is tough, but three while dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship is remarkable. Huge kudos to you, and to all of the women on here who have continued to be present and productive for their children in the face of adversity - with or without the support of family, friends and fundraisers.

Much love ❤️

I am just struck by the contrast between the “worthy” solo mums (widows) and the rest of us (unworthy)

My kids have not only an absent father (his loss) but yes, disappointingly unsympathetic grandparents and a mother who dares to not want to see them or herself as less than, even though she is steeped in a a culture than leaves her in no doubt about this….

Im sorry your ex and family sucks but your experience is far from universal.

I left an abusive ex and I’ve never been made to feel “less than” any other mother. I find people are generally very supportive and understanding, my workplace is flexible and I would never expect someone to start a fundraiser for me because divorcing an asshole doesn’t compare in any way to the unexpected death of a husband and father.

Perhaps people feel a sense of entitlement coming from you and shy away from getting involved with someone who is negative and resentful.

Who the hell are you to tell me to 'bore off'? You're the one who's hijacked the thread in your attempt to shame me.

I’m a lone parent, my son’s father has no input (financial or otherwise) into his life or upbringing.

Quelle surprise.

I said it’s not a race to the bottom and not pitting one against the other, just the water we’re swimming in

So why did you name your thread Widows vs Single mums and divorcees? It's the language of competition, of pitting one against another.

Also you generalised about all widows when actually it's a just a bunch of people you know. But hey, it's a less catchy title.

You’re right, Sweetie. Sadly, it just isn’t surprising anymore that some men are useless fucking scumbags that don’t support their children. At last, something we can agree on.

Fuck off now.

Stop being so nasty. There's absolutely no need to quote her posts and try to belittle her for her sons father being a terrible person.

You are deranged.

But they won't help their own daughter! Utterly baffling. It's why I am always wary of people who make a big show of helping with a random tragedy as they are often quite different in private.

It's no surprise she's attacking me because she clearly feels the same way as the OP - that widows get all the sympathy and free shit whilst single mothers get nothing except condemnation.

The whole premise of this post is nasty.

Sooo true!

He was abusive. .. you are making assumptions about what things op had a choice about

Just because you disagree with someone doesn't mean you get to be cruel though.

From your posts on this thread I'd imagine its horribly triggering for you, you have clearly been through a lot and have fought tooth and nail to give your child the best life possible.

Have a glass of wine and watch something funny on the telly. Arguing with people on the Internet always makes me feel worse, not better ❤️

Your life situation is not comparable with theirs. You seem almost jealous of the widows you know, which is ridiculous. They live with the knowledge they'll never see their much loved husband and father of their children again, and their children will grow up without their Dad.
Presumably, you don't love your ex anymore, so the way you feel about him is not the same as the way they feel, and even though your children don't see their father, one day they could get to know him.
Absent is not the same as deceased. Divorced is not the same as widowed.

As for your parents, if you would appreciate their help, ask them. Them wanting to help another woman is not your concern.

Goodness me, how patronising.

The OP does come across as jealous of the support the widows she knows have had. There has been no acknowledgement at all to those widows who have posted with opposing experiences or any apology for any offence cause either. Isn't that cruel?

Read the thread again, it's me who's been called a prick!

But I will say you've clearly had a hard time of it and you're doing well to have ended things and be successfully going it alone, even if it doesn't feel like it to you. Just remember it's not a sympathy contest, ask for help if you need it, and mutually support other lone parents, whatever their situation

Would you rather I was a total bitch to you 😂

I guess unless you have lived through it you maybe cannot know how life destroying and devastating and abusive marriage is. It's not a situation you skip out of fully recovered. The deep trauma lasts a lifetime, with physical and mental impacts that can be irreversible. I am left with horrible mental and physical health conditions triggered but the stress.

I feel nothing but sympathy for widows, but I would also feel just as much compassion to a victim of abuse.

Op's comparison was because her parents have literally offered to help a widow they aren't even particularly close too but aren't helping her. She's quite right to feel upset and confused by that.