Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

[IfIGoTiAnotherWedding]

I am a divorced mother of 3. My ex husband was financially abusive and emotionally absent: when we split my sons were 4, 2.5 and 4 months respectively. He moved back to his home country U.S,A and has never seen the children since or sent a penny. Obviously it was hard. And still is.

I know a few widows. Some were friends of mine before they lost their husbands, some are new friends as we move in the same circles and have things in common, mainly solo parenting obviously. Like them, I have my children 24-7-365. In fact some of them have better family support (from two sides of their family), all happen to be in a better financial situation (whereas my ex left me with significant debts), but obviously they have gone through trauma and the death of their loved one, where I have not. I give them full credit for keeping going. It’s very lonely.

They never planned to be alone.
They never chose it.
I have utmost sympathy for both my widowed acquaintances, and for their children.

My AIBU is is it ok that there is SUCH a difference in how society approaches us. I have never received any offers of help or money. Obviously. My own parents are talking about offering a young widow who lives locally a few hours childcare once a week so that she can go to the cinema and have a break.

This was not something offered to me. I am listening to this thinking eh? They hardly know this person. I also am not sure if this widow would want such charity. She certainly wouldn’t if she knew that the sympathy is very much dependent on the term widowhood and not single mum.

Friend in question has already a rota of helpers.

Fundraisers, paid holidays - I don’t want them, I don’t begrudge my friends this.

I am just struck by the contrast between the “worthy” solo mums (widows) and the rest of us (unworthy) - Ditto for the children. This is not internalised stigma, the net difference is impossible to ignore.

My widowed friends are lovely people, they are devastated about losing their husbands and have no idea that there is this disparity in treatment.

The disparity feels like a throwback to more religious times and is akin to worthy poor versus unworthy poor. Anyway it sucks to be in the second category.

I couldn't care less.

Exactly.

And I’d add to this from the child’s POV while I agree “absent is not deceased” its incorrect to say the latter is necessarily worse.

There are plenty of studies showing the significant harm of abandonment on children and the impact on their brains and emotions can be worse than those who have been bereaved . Does anyone think most children can go on and have healthy relationships with their deadbeat father in adulthood? Very rarely. The fact that the hypothetical chance is there could cause them even more distress when they know realistically it’s not going to happen.

People with dead fathers often don’t need to worry about thinking their dad didn’t love or care for them and they know when they say their Dad is dead society isn’t going to judge them or their mum for being “stupid” enough to pick a “bad guy”

So again yes different but not necessarily less serious or damaging to have an absent father over a dead one and arguably in some cases more damaging .

I agree that people should be more sympathetic towards single mothers as well as widows.
It's bizarre that people are saying you chose to have kids with someone abusive. Most domestic abuse starts during pregnancy so you don't know beforehand.
I think it's more upsetting for children to have a parent that just doesn't give a s* about them than one who has died. When one has died there is no question of whether the child was loved but when one has just chosen to leave and have no contact then that's especially hurtful as the parent has chosen to leave. I am aware of all the bereavement charities for children and have some personal experience so know how devastating losing a parent is but so is a parent choosing to leave so I don't think one group of people should be treated any less kindly than the other.

And you aren’t pleasant. I hope this doesn’t come as news to you.

You have also proven the OPs point. Casting aspersions on me, the single mother, as to how my circumstances came to be and judging accordingly. You came on to belittle the OP and have instead shown her to be correct. Well done!

I was widowed with young children and it is my divorced mum friends who have been my closest supports. We recognise our differences. I acknowledge I don't have to put up with the ridiculous stigma in society of being left by a man, nor do I have to deal with an abusive ex or wrangle over money and access. In turn, they acknowledge the ongoing grief and worry of raising traumatised, bereaved children, and how hard it is to never get a break. We navigate those differences and come together to find what we have in common. Which is a great deal. I couldn't have got through without my single mum friends. They 'got it' more than anyone else. Let's not let patriarchal attitudes drive wedges between women.

I agree there is more judgement reserved for divorced women. Except if a widow starts to date again. The fundraisers (which never happened to me actually) and the traybakes on the doorstep will stop if a widow doesn't play her role correctly. Probably best not to laugh in public, go dancing or call herself Ms either, otherwise she clearly did not love her husband enough.

OP, this was a terrible idea for a thread, yes?!

I was widowed in my 30s after spending 3.5 years knowing DH was dying. Our DC were 5 and 7, now 12 and 15. It has devastated us in ways I won’t go into. Right now I am more exhausted and heartbroken than I was in the early days.

Meanwhile neighbour’s DH left her and her 4 kids to have a baby with a woman on the other side of town, and he has been an absolute nightmare. She and the kids have had all sorts to deal with.

Are we jealous of each other? Er, hell no! We have a coffee, share latest woes (and occasional triumphs), build each other up.

We’re all just walking each other home. Let’s do it with a bit of grace.

What aspersions have I cast upon you? I haven't made any assumptions about you or any single mothers at all. I haven't said one situation is worse than the other - I've said it's fucking nasty to assume that widows have some kind of easy ride and the original post sounds jealous. Read my posts again.

It was obvious that you were coming at it from the POV as a single parent and one with a massive chip on her shoulder.

And if were talking pleasant 'massive prick', 'bore off', 'fuck off' - I think that's rather rich, don't you?

We have a friend in our group who is divorced, dad still around but rubbish, and we offer to help her with childcare, overnight stays, anything, but like me, she rarely asks as she doesn't want pity and I think that's something a lot of single mums and widows have in common, not wanting to ask for help.

My god are you sure you weren’t married to my ExH? I’m glad you got out x

Come on, it was patronising. I think you're a sanctimonious twat for what it's worth.

I didn't say 'quelle surprise' that their partner left, I said it because it's no surprise that's her angle.

@StJulian2023 I hear you. I haven't wanted to go into what my children saw on this thread either, but it was things adults struggled to witness, and it has deeply scarred them and both have struggled in different ways to come to terms with such horror at an early age, as have I. Unmumsnetty hugs to you and to all the single parents trudging forward.

@StJulian2023 I think we made the same point really, at the same time.

We’re all just walking each other home. Let’s do it with a bit of grace.

I love how you put it.

I also agree that the even harder times come later, when you see that for your children there is no getting over this. It shapes them and you can't change it. I just wanted to send you some solidarity. I'm feeling that too.

It wasn't meant to come across patronising at all. Its obviously an emotive and very difficult subject. I was trying to be kind.

Maybe people didn't help you because this is how you treated them?

You obviously need an emotional punching bag tonight but its not going to be me I'm afraid so I'm not going to respond to you again.

There’s no chip on my shoulder about being a single mum. Our life is lovely, thanks. I’m angry that men get to live life as if their child doesn’t exist, but not at my situation. So, again, you’re wrong. You also didn’t mean that ‘quelle surprise’ comment the way you’re now claiming at all so you can fuck off with that. You’ve just realised what a bellend it made you sound.

And, to be clear, I’ve never claimed to be pleasant. Your posts are filled only with unkindness for anyone other than yourself. You don’t come across well here at all.

Eh? Who said I didn't get help? I got (and still get) los of help in terms of practical and emotional support...I did say I didn't bebefit for any fundraisers or free holidays (neither would I want them). You're making things up your suit your own agenda. I only reminded in kind to someone who was abusive to me.

You also didn’t mean that ‘quelle surprise’ comment the way you’re now claiming at all so you can fuck off with that. You’ve just realised what a bellend it made you sound.

No that's what I meant - I've clarified three times now.

There's only one bellend here....

So sorry you went through that too.

err I mean aren't we lucky let's count our blessings

It was out of the frying pan into the fire as ex then deliberately and knowingly risked DSs life when he was there just with his toddler sister (cafcass ignored police and medical reports and said he could have contact). It has left him deeply traumatised. But hey, I guess his dad only tried to kill him, his dad didnt die, so he's a lucky little chap really

@OceanStorm Are you for reel. They all chose yo have kids with their husband/partner. The widow may not have chose their husband to die but at the same time single mums do not always choose to be single mums. Sometimes a relationship is great but years down the line it breaks down, perhaps the husband cheated, had a gambling addition, got into debt and disappeared, went off to start a new family. It does not mean just because he ain't dead she chose to be a single parent. Her own parents should offer her a break whilst watching their grandchildren before offering a stranger.

I was widowed 3.5 years ago when my 8 children were between 19 and 9 months old. I haven't received any special treatment I don't think, apart from a trip to a theme park for my kids after COVID was over through Merlin's magic wand. It's the only time they have ever been .
Childcare wise, my parents are a bit older now so see the children once a week but I'm usually there too.
I'm on Universal Credit though hopefully starting a part time job soon. Every month , the money I get from my husband's pension is deducted in full from the UC. So I'm no better off and the government bereavement support payment now only lasts 18 months , rather than 16 years like it used to.

Oh well, if you’ve said it three times then it must be true 😂

I’m not the only person who has read it as intended; that I am a lone parent because of something that I did, how I behaved, something I said, blah blah blah. I, woman, am clearly to be blame for the failings of man. And so too is every woman at fault for not picking better, or nagging too much, or daring to not shift the baby weight et cetera et cetera.

I won’t be replying to you again.

Please message me if you would like as through my volunteering work I know of a number of charities that help bereaved families if you would like it.

Read it as you wish, I'm beyond giving a shit. Go scrap somewhere else.

Women don't choose to be abused either.

I think it’s probably a you and your parents thing. One of my parents was very very similar towards me as I was not worthy of any help. I was a very young parent not married and had to go through a horrific court case due to domestic violence and sexual assault so became my baby’s only legal parent and the other person was not allowed to now our whereabouts etc. So definitely a lone parent with zero help.

But my parent would, and still does, have to list all these other single mothers widowed or divorced and how they feel so sorry for them, their life’s been so hard, etc,etc,etc.

One of the actual widows in question actually lived with my family for a time as a child as parent felt sorry for her then too, at the same point as me being kicked out of home and made homeless.

So it’s harsh parenting I’m afraid, I’m currently no contact with my family apart from speaking to my parents every few weeks. What was your childhood like?