Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

[IfIGoTiAnotherWedding]

I am a divorced mother of 3. My ex husband was financially abusive and emotionally absent: when we split my sons were 4, 2.5 and 4 months respectively. He moved back to his home country U.S,A and has never seen the children since or sent a penny. Obviously it was hard. And still is.

I know a few widows. Some were friends of mine before they lost their husbands, some are new friends as we move in the same circles and have things in common, mainly solo parenting obviously. Like them, I have my children 24-7-365. In fact some of them have better family support (from two sides of their family), all happen to be in a better financial situation (whereas my ex left me with significant debts), but obviously they have gone through trauma and the death of their loved one, where I have not. I give them full credit for keeping going. It’s very lonely.

They never planned to be alone.
They never chose it.
I have utmost sympathy for both my widowed acquaintances, and for their children.

My AIBU is is it ok that there is SUCH a difference in how society approaches us. I have never received any offers of help or money. Obviously. My own parents are talking about offering a young widow who lives locally a few hours childcare once a week so that she can go to the cinema and have a break.

This was not something offered to me. I am listening to this thinking eh? They hardly know this person. I also am not sure if this widow would want such charity. She certainly wouldn’t if she knew that the sympathy is very much dependent on the term widowhood and not single mum.

Friend in question has already a rota of helpers.

Fundraisers, paid holidays - I don’t want them, I don’t begrudge my friends this.

I am just struck by the contrast between the “worthy” solo mums (widows) and the rest of us (unworthy) - Ditto for the children. This is not internalised stigma, the net difference is impossible to ignore.

My widowed friends are lovely people, they are devastated about losing their husbands and have no idea that there is this disparity in treatment.

The disparity feels like a throwback to more religious times and is akin to worthy poor versus unworthy poor. Anyway it sucks to be in the second category.

I know 4 people who were all widowed before the age of 40

1, Husband killed in Afghanistan (won't say how old as may be outing)
2, Husband died of brain cancer aged 32
3, Husband died in car accident aged 29
4, Husband died in a work accident aged 37

All of those men left behind a wife and young children, so "being in the throes of parenting" doesn't exclude knowing a few widows.

They are mostly choosing not to be abused?

I can't believe you actually wrote that.

Stop with the horrific victim blaming. The ignorance of that comment is only matched by your clear lack of understanding about domestic abuse.

What has this got to do with anything? Most men don't announce that they are going to cheat or get abusive, pregnancy is the most significant time in an abusive relationship. Stop victim blaming.

The judgement of single mums on here is horrible. People end up with abusive controlling partners for reasons such as low self esteem, poor mental health, unhappy childhoods etc. Abusers can spot these vulnerabilities a mile off. I was just really grateful that someone, anyone, wanted to be with me. Not everyone has the same starting point in life.

It's horrendous.

The lack of awareness is quite staggering.

Being in the rare and wonderful position of having experienced both divorce from an abuser and widowhood from my second non abusive husband, I don't recognise what OP is describing here. There was more compassion in the early days of widowhood, and in the first few months people came to help me with the estate. I was blindsided in a way that just didn't compare with the end of an abusive relationship.

But after a couple of months, the support had tailed off. No one has paid for us to have holidays or fund raised for us. Apart from the first few months there's been very little difference, except for the crushing grief you get with widowhood.

I agree there are some similarities between the two experiences, but I just don't recognise all this support you talk about in widowhood.

It's no wonder the rape convictions are so low

The worst misogynists are often other women. It's truly shameful.

This. I’ve been divorced, years back, and recently widowed. There is no comparison. The grief is just overwhelming.

Luckily, my kids are adults, but I’ve not had fundraisers or anything else.

Some people have been fantastically supportive, others have disappeared.

Both situations are difficult, but death us just so permanent, unlike separation, which might not be.

All of those men left behind a wife and young children, so "being in the throes of parenting" doesn't exclude knowing a few widows.

Course, but you have to admit that's quite unusual, it's a statistically young age to die so to know so many that age isn't common (and very sad of course).

Spousal maintenance has been counted for quite a while now re benefits.

I haven't been divorced but I have been widowed. I didn't get all these offers of support you speak of. Stop being bitter and making it a competition. Also - I'm sorry your husband turned out to be a fuckwit, genuinely.

Spousal maintenance is, child maintenance is not.

There is no point in engaging after your earlier comment.

I cannot express how incredibly offensive it is to read some women are choosing to be abused. The victim blaming is inexcusable.

There may be very vulnerable women and indeed young girls on mumsnet seeing that. Absolutely disgusting.

Well if ever an OPs point was proved by the comments, this thread win the prize. Of all the nasty, victim blaming, misogynistic bullshit, this is fucking ridiculous. Oh yes, all those poor worthy widows are so much better than the nasty grabby single mums who chose to have children with an abusive man just so they could claim benefits. Such a massive double standard in the way the two groups are viewed. Being in either group sucks, but only one of those groups comes with a massive amount of judgement. It's not about who's got it worse, it's about other people's nasty self righteous attitudes.

It's not a choice.

@Willyoujustbequiet sorry I didn't mean choosing to be abused. I meant choosing to stay in abusive relationships

You obviously know NOTHING about abusive relationships because your ignorance is staggering.

@MotherofChaosandDestruction could you kindly explain then?

It's absolutely not that easy to leave. Not when they often control all the money. Not when the court system means that if you leave you are then leaving your children unaccompanied with an abusive man.

The idea it's so easy to get up and leave an abusive relationship is stupendously naive and i honestly thought most people knew better than that.

As soon as I said I was leaving the violence increased, the abuse increases, the joint account was drained, he snatched the children and drove to the other end of the country and refused to return them...

Leaving is the most dangerous time for a women and children. We can't judge those who take a long time to manage it

@SpaghettiWithaYeti Did the domestic abuse charities not help?

Intimidation with violence if you try to leave, threatening pets and your children, financial abuse so you have no money, threatening to take your children or go for 50/50 where you can't protect them. Use your brain, it's free.

I thought like this, I didn't want my children witnessing more abuse. Finally left. They became the recipients of the abuse instead.

Carcass were totally ineffectual and in the end my children had to wait until they were old enough for their decisions to be respected by the court and refuse to go.

So never ever judge women who stay. It's not as simple as "escaping". Noone kept my children safe once we "escaped". Despite school raising concerns, despite police and medical reports of the abuse of their dad towards me

Complete lack of funding, not enough spaces and they don't stop them killing you or continuing to abuse you.

Oh yes NCDV were brilliant and my family were brilliant but the reality is that only meant I was (largely) safe.

Noone who works in the system would suggest that it is simple to leave or that it will mean your children are then safe. Noone.