Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

[IfIGoTiAnotherWedding]

I am a divorced mother of 3. My ex husband was financially abusive and emotionally absent: when we split my sons were 4, 2.5 and 4 months respectively. He moved back to his home country U.S,A and has never seen the children since or sent a penny. Obviously it was hard. And still is.

I know a few widows. Some were friends of mine before they lost their husbands, some are new friends as we move in the same circles and have things in common, mainly solo parenting obviously. Like them, I have my children 24-7-365. In fact some of them have better family support (from two sides of their family), all happen to be in a better financial situation (whereas my ex left me with significant debts), but obviously they have gone through trauma and the death of their loved one, where I have not. I give them full credit for keeping going. It’s very lonely.

They never planned to be alone.
They never chose it.
I have utmost sympathy for both my widowed acquaintances, and for their children.

My AIBU is is it ok that there is SUCH a difference in how society approaches us. I have never received any offers of help or money. Obviously. My own parents are talking about offering a young widow who lives locally a few hours childcare once a week so that she can go to the cinema and have a break.

This was not something offered to me. I am listening to this thinking eh? They hardly know this person. I also am not sure if this widow would want such charity. She certainly wouldn’t if she knew that the sympathy is very much dependent on the term widowhood and not single mum.

Friend in question has already a rota of helpers.

Fundraisers, paid holidays - I don’t want them, I don’t begrudge my friends this.

I am just struck by the contrast between the “worthy” solo mums (widows) and the rest of us (unworthy) - Ditto for the children. This is not internalised stigma, the net difference is impossible to ignore.

My widowed friends are lovely people, they are devastated about losing their husbands and have no idea that there is this disparity in treatment.

The disparity feels like a throwback to more religious times and is akin to worthy poor versus unworthy poor. Anyway it sucks to be in the second category.

Unfortunately I do feel you are correct. I was a single parent at a time after leaving a horribly unhealthy relationship. I had mentioned to my own mother I had seen that there were holidays for single parents and I thought I would try to save up for one as I was rather lonely and would have loved the companionship with others in the same position. She didn't acknowledge what I had said other than to spit in disgust that I wasn't a single parent as I had never been married. 🤔 I wasn't even worthy of the title single parent. It sucked. Zero help given as they didn't want me to rely on them my dad told me a while later. I never asked for a thing. But how she spoke of her friend who was widowed young was the opposite. I can only assume she thought I brought it on myself so deserved the difficulty. I am very sorry your parents seem similarly hurtful

Although a sad situation, you chose to marry and have kids with your partner. The widows didn't choose for their husbands to die

Because there’s a DF still alive who should be in the picture helping out.

I feel most sorry for the widows children who can never see their dad again, I know your children don't see their dad either, but they might have some hope that they can in future (although I appreciate both sets of children may have different issues because of their dad's not being present).
I can get what you are saying about how people are treated differently and even on here you get people saying things akin to 'you shouldn't have picked such a loser to have kids with then, I made better choices' etc etc, but no-one would ever say to a widow eg 'you should have picked a healthier husband to have children with'

Fundraisers, paid holidays? I must be doing widowhood wrong. I do agree people feel compassion in the early days after a death, but beyond a few weeks people aren't queuing up to take your kids or give you money.

There's lots of ways to be a single parent- some single parents have an involved dad there every other weekend so they get a break, that doesn't happen to you or the widows.

Some widows had no life insurance and so are very impoverished, some aren't, some single divorced parents have maintenance money that isn't counted in their benefits so have quite a nice lifestyle.

In general, I don't think it helps to compare, but I do agree many parents don't have support- I think families who are completely alone with no grandparents or other friends to help, no dad around, and/or children with significant disabilities have it toughest and that's whether they are widowed or divorced or together but struggling.

Gosh OP It didn't take long for MN to prove you right, did it?

You chose you marry and have kids. Yes you did. But you didn't chose for him to be abusive and then fuck off.

This is unfathomably crass.

I was widowed when my dd was 2 and I don't recognise your description of support networks. I've none of my own family locally and my in laws haven't stepped up at all. I haven't had any offers from mum friends - the opposite in fact, as my dd is an only child I shoulder more of the playdate load as other families have siblings and more going on. I pay for any childcare I get. I'm really fucking bitter about it all actually. I don't feel I elicit much sympathy, people are busy and have their own stuff going on, they're not flocking to help.

I think this is more about the individuals you know than widows as a group.

I also think it's strange if your parents offer to help a widow out and not you when you need a lot of help with three little ones. Perhaps that's a location thing? I haven't had anyone offer to take my children lately except blood relatives and I wouldn't expect random people to babysit them so I could go out.

Yes to the issue of how to deal with kids who could in theory see their dad, except he chooses not to.

Agree that I chose to marry a loser. I could say the problems started once the kids came along - one might contest that but ok. Sadly it happens.

Finally, there are also widows whose husbands were terrible partners too and they were on the cusp of breaking up. The categories don’t make sense, but my experience is that they exist.

to the first reply - I said it sucked to be in the unworthy category - unworthy of any help or support or empathy. Not that it sucked to be in the category of being divorced. Also it was not my decision.

Choosing to have three children in quick succession with a man you consider to be finally abusive and emotionally unavailable is a choice you made. Having a husband who dies isn’t a choice.

They’re not comparable.

I think you're just thinking the grass is greener.

I'm divorced from my kids dad and my partner passed away in Sept of last year. Absolutely I know there was a while lot more sympathy and help from people for the first 3 months or so. But it doesn't last. Talk to any widow and they will tell you how quickly the offers of help dry up, or commitments aren't kept to. People mean well, but honestly the sympathy and extra help doesn't last long before the expectation is that you get on with it. Yes, comments might be more sympathetic but that doesn't mean anything in terms of actual support. People forget. And quickly. And then you are alone with bereaved children, who can often take a while to process the whole situation.

In some ways being widowed (though I wasn't married to my partner) is simpler, as you don't have to deal with a dickhead of an ex, but you are dealing with a whole heap of shit more. It's not preferable, trust me.

I kinda agree with this, although it sucks if you feel your parents somehow feel a widow is more deserving of support than you are.

Aside from your question, why don't you seek child maintenance from him, the American courts take child support seriously (assuming he's earning or has assets)

I guess because there is no hope of a dead man springing back to life and deciding to support his children or be a decent a man.

While a relationship ending is sad it’s seen as one of those things. Losing your partner / father to death is seen as a tragic event.

But you’re fundamentally looking for others to step in to make you and your DC’s life better, due to the lacking of their father.

People are far more willing to step in for a dead man, than a deadbeat.

@OceanStorm

you chose to marry and have kids with your partner. The widows didn't choose for their husbands to die

This isn’t an equally comparison.

if you want to compare like for like the OP didn’t choose for her husband to be abusive and disappear.

I can well believe that single mums are seen as less worthy of support than widows, despite their positions often being no fault of their own

Oh my goodness, you are proving the OP right, no one chooses to be in an abusive relationship and pregnancy is a known risk factor when abuse begins, they have you trapped.

well you’re a delight aren’t you?

some folk on here are just the worst - like you @missmollygreen

I don't see it as widows v single parents v divorcees etc. At all.

Everyone has their own shit to deal with including married people and single people. Everyone. It's all relatively, but everyone's biggest problem is their biggest challenge - even though all challenges aren't equal.

A "who has it worst" debate is bizarre.

There really is no comparison between being widowed and divorced. A widow isn't just dealing with solo parenting- she is also dealing with the grief of bereavement and the difficulty of parenting bereaved children.

I don't think it's anything to do with judging divorcees or whether divorce is a choice. My friends who have been widowed would give anything to have their husbands alive, even if they were apart, and for their children to still have a hope of seeing their father again. It is not the same.

I find this a truly horrible post. It's not a competition in who has it worse. It reads as if you are envious of widows.

A "who has it worst" debate is bizarre couldn't agree more, being a lone parent without a dad or other parent around for whatever reason is very very hard.

I'd also add that if you want help, ask for it. Helping a widow is very normal, helping a divorcee less so (as you say yourself) and it may be that your friends just haven't thought of offering or don't want to cause offence by implying that you are struggling. Just ask!