Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

[IfIGoTiAnotherWedding]

I am a divorced mother of 3. My ex husband was financially abusive and emotionally absent: when we split my sons were 4, 2.5 and 4 months respectively. He moved back to his home country U.S,A and has never seen the children since or sent a penny. Obviously it was hard. And still is.

I know a few widows. Some were friends of mine before they lost their husbands, some are new friends as we move in the same circles and have things in common, mainly solo parenting obviously. Like them, I have my children 24-7-365. In fact some of them have better family support (from two sides of their family), all happen to be in a better financial situation (whereas my ex left me with significant debts), but obviously they have gone through trauma and the death of their loved one, where I have not. I give them full credit for keeping going. It’s very lonely.

They never planned to be alone.
They never chose it.
I have utmost sympathy for both my widowed acquaintances, and for their children.

My AIBU is is it ok that there is SUCH a difference in how society approaches us. I have never received any offers of help or money. Obviously. My own parents are talking about offering a young widow who lives locally a few hours childcare once a week so that she can go to the cinema and have a break.

This was not something offered to me. I am listening to this thinking eh? They hardly know this person. I also am not sure if this widow would want such charity. She certainly wouldn’t if she knew that the sympathy is very much dependent on the term widowhood and not single mum.

Friend in question has already a rota of helpers.

Fundraisers, paid holidays - I don’t want them, I don’t begrudge my friends this.

I am just struck by the contrast between the “worthy” solo mums (widows) and the rest of us (unworthy) - Ditto for the children. This is not internalised stigma, the net difference is impossible to ignore.

My widowed friends are lovely people, they are devastated about losing their husbands and have no idea that there is this disparity in treatment.

The disparity feels like a throwback to more religious times and is akin to worthy poor versus unworthy poor. Anyway it sucks to be in the second category.

Oh I agree, the visceral reaction is absolutely based on conditioning /media etc rather than anything purely "natural".

There's definitely different categories of single parents and whether society deems us as 'at fault' or not.

I'm a single parent after a very brief relationship, the dad has no involvement and I've raised dd on my own. I think my category comes underneath the divorcees tbh.

At the end of the day though it doesn't actually matter why you're a single parent, it's all hard in its own way.

You are not wrong op.

I should have invented a dead husband.

This is beyond sick

Hmm

A child whose father has died can deal with that fact its a final fact an inescapable fact as hard as that fact is it will never change

An abandoned child never has that they have what if? What if they come back? What if they die? What if they get hurt and need me to help them and cant find me because mom made me move house (genuine argument from a 7 year old whose mom moved because she couldn't afford the home after he left) what if what if what if there is never any ending never any final chapter then there is the blame no wonder he left your a horrible mom you were bad to daddy he left because of YOU its YOUR FAULT (while thinking what if its my fault) if I'm a good child they will come back no-one wants a bad child but if I'm good he will come back right? Right?

Both scenarios are the absolute worst thing to happen to a child yet we have more sympathy fir widows and their children than ex wives and their children even on this thread "you shouldn't have had do many kids with him" "just get child maintenance" (seriously they want addresses work details etc) my so called real life friends want me to force my ex to have his children literally waste money taking him to court to see his children (like that would ever work ffs) when he did have them he would ring and demand I take them back their big idea was to say no because me abandoning them with him wouldn't scar them at all would it

There are no answers

Jesus Christ.

It's what single mothers used to do back when they would be really cast out by society.

And judging by some of the comments on this thread people still judge single mums and feel they brought it on themselves, despite all the awareness raising around abuse and how manipulative abusers are.

OP likely will have no bloody chance!

With a widow, and especially a young widow which is what we’re talking about with solo parenting, there is a tragedy. Firstly the tragedy of that person losing their life too soon. Within that, young children who will not know their father.

This tragedy attracts a lot of grief tourists. People who mostly want to stand there and how say how utterly tragic it is. They want to watch the family fall apart because it adds to the sense of tragedy. They can go home and hug their own kids and spouse because by the grace of god it could have been them. So it attracts a lot more people, people want to be there in the tragedy. They want to feel good about themselves for watching the tragedy unfold and not being able to mind their own business, so they offer help or start a fundraiser. But they don’t care. Not really. They offer help but not fulfil those offers. They fade away quickly because they have their families and they’ve hugged them right now. On the surface, it may look like a widow has more help, more support but in reality they have people gruesomely pouring over their loss.

I’m sorry that your parents haven’t offered help with your kids. They won’t actually help this widow though. It’s just something they say to make themselves feel better.

I've been both
Got divorced and never saw a penny and raised my son alone
Then after 6 years found such happiness with my second husband and had another child
Then he died
I felt as if my soul had been ripped out of me
I've never experienced pain like it
Apart from my parents I had no help
Thank goodness for my parents and my children who practically saved my life

But my friend had an abusive husband and he left and we both felt a strong connection with each other of certain aspects of both experiences

It's not a game of top trumps

I was never offered any financial help

This!

Wow.

I think maybe you haven't read the OP carefully.

I hear you OP. My friend’s child’s father abandoned her and I stepped in as much as I could in the first few years. I babysat her child overnight so my friend could go out and work or party. I took her on day trips and I spoilt her on her birthday.

The damage done to kids who lose their dads to abandonment is not necessarily less serious than the harm done to kids who have lost their parents to death. Admittedly my friend did make an obvious bad choice in her child’s father though and she’d admit that, but I know some people whose partners did switch on them after marriage /kids.

I’ve also sat for hours with friends who are dealing with the aftermath of their husbands adultery and basically grieving what they thought was a happy marriage.

As a woman I also know many men treat women who have deadbeat fathers with contempt and see them as having “daddy issues “ whereas they’re less likely to do this to women whose dads died young. It’s the idea of it being taboo that your father /partner doesn’t love you, for some reason society subtly blames women for this.

Exactly @SpaghettiWithaYeti things haven't changed so much that a widow doesn't rank above a divorcee, who ranks above a single mother.

And (some) people are reacting like I said something OUTRAGEOUS. What was "Jesus christ" and "sick" was not a comment on a thread, but being "less than" excluded, shamed, hearing somebody apologise to a widow for thinking she was a single parent. In fact, a colleague at work also made the same observation to me, how she was reproaching herself for the supposed gaf of assuming a woman was just a single parent when she was in fact a widow. That was only 6 weeks ago.

Its not a competition, but don't pretend it"s "sick" to see what's real. I'm not colluding with patriarchal judgement. /hierarchies for women by ignoring this.

I can see what you're saying - the practical challenges are the same but it's as though the emotional loss doesn't count.

I'm not a single Mum, but I grew up with a widowed mum and we had close friends whose Dad left them and I remember discussing it with my friend when we were about 12 and she was saying that our Dad died, he had no choice, whereas their dad was choosing not to be in their lives and was actually being a father to someone else's children instead. So there's tragedy, loss of control & painful everyone in both scenarios.

Death is an absolute, and generally people 'know' how to react appropriately: sympathy, offers of help, hushed voices, sombre clothes for the funeral.

Divorce is far more fluid: you might have divorced a 'perfectly good' husband, or he might have been abusive (as in your case), or he might have had mistresses all over the place, or 'gone off to find himself', or you might have had an affair etc etc. People are generally uncertain on how to react to divorce, because they don't know the circumstances and therefore don't know if sympathies are warranted, or congratulations- or they might be the sort of person that thinks it's your fault regardless and therefore you deserve no sympathy.

Interestingly: I divorced my first husband. No-one offered me sympathy, because they knew I was glad to be rid of the loser. But when he died, some years later, suddenly I was offered sympathy. Why? I have no clue, other than it's one of the 'expected' reactions when faced with news of a death.

I say I'm a single parent if asked, I don't say I'm a widow, that's too stressful for people.

One of many insightful posts, thank you

What a horrible close to your post. And such a poor reading of what the OP is even about. She’s stating that she’s observed a hierarchy in lone-parenthood; that how - in her lived experience which is no less valid than yours just because yours is arguably sadder - single mothers that have found themselves such through circumstances other than the death of the child(ren)’s father are viewed less sympathetically. And it is those value judgements of others that she is lamenting.

I’m sorry for your loss but it’s no reason to be a massive prick.

Op, huge hugs, Id say as said above ask for help if you need it. Even thinking the post you’ve posted means you need someone to give you a break (I really mean this) x

A lot of really terrible “well you chose this” comments to a woman who was in an abusive relationship. Vile.
And it’s arguably more damaging for a child to have a father who abandoned them than died.

Men with young or even teenage children rarely die nice quiet deaths as they are relatively young, it's either a traumatic accident or a nasty type of aggressive cancer or suicide. It's not going to be 'their time' in any sense, although you might be glad they are relieved of suffering.

I would never downplay the trauma of being abandoned by a parent either. I know people who claim not to care they don't have a dad, and I know people devastated by it. Not knowing your dad plays on people's minds in a very cruel way I think and I do agree people might either not know about it or not be as sympathetic as they could be.

Others will think it much easier to start out without a dad rather than have one and have them disappear. Dads who go in and out of children's lives cause a lot of emotional damage, often ongoing for a long time.

I'm waiting for those who think their husband going away for a few days is a bit similar to arrive...

I completely get you. One of my closest friends is a widow. We have children the same age. I'm a single parent due to my ex being a serial cheat and liar. It's awful that she lost husband and the children their father. She has unlimited help and support from her family and her husbands family. School have given her unlimited FREE wrap around and holiday care. She is mortgage free, and has plenty of money to do what ever she wishes with. They eat out all the time, holiday all the time. They are well and truly taken care of physical and financially. Both of my parents have died, i have no family to support me. I carry all the mental workload for my children their dad swans in and out of their life as he pleases. He packed up work so no child maintenance. I earn just enough that I don't receive any benefits, but have to watch every single penny, there's no treats, no meals out, no time to myself. I worry about something going wrong with the car or an unexpected bill all the time. I sometimes feel envious of the life she leads, which makes me feel guilty as I know she's give it all up in an instant to have her husband back. OP I get what your saying, you can't help feeling that way. Single mums are definitely looked down on in society in a kind of "you made you bed, you lay in it" sort of way. Most single mums didn't chose to be a single mum.

I'd call assuming that everyone is a widow 'gets' x,y, z, while single mothers only get condemnation and no help from family being a massive prick. I'd call making a post called 'Widows vs Single mums and divorcees'as though it's some kind of competition, being a massive prick.

I haven't said anything about anyone's experience being 'sadder' - that's your own poor reading. In fact, I haven't made any comment about anyone's expeirence being more worthy than another's - I wouldn't be that crass.

Not this!

Women and children are NOT RESPONSIBLE for men and fathers actions (just as men are not responsible for women's actions obviously)

My ex didn't show his true colours until after the third child was conceived you can claim "there were signs" all you like but everyone EVERYONE has a rough patch occasionally and works through it like an adult we were actually doing great till I got pregnant and he lost his Job even then you can say that's what caused the stress not that he was an abusive wanker turns out he chose the abusive wanker route trashed mine and my children's lives and walked away from them even now HE gets the sympathy not the children it's insane as a society we blame victims constantly put the blame where it belongs