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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

424 replies

lilajcolls · 16/05/2024 19:22

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 16/05/2024 19:23

YANBU. I think this red flag is big enough to halt moving in together. He evades the question. That’s not good.

lilajcolls · 16/05/2024 19:24

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/05/2024 19:23

YANBU. I think this red flag is big enough to halt moving in together. He evades the question. That’s not good.

Agreed. I'd rather buy on my own/buy my own place - if there's a chance that in the event something happens, I'd be homeless.

OP posts:
coupdetonnerre · 16/05/2024 19:25

I think you need to sit down and be open about this.

Ginmonkeyagain · 16/05/2024 19:25

Leavig money to his kids is totally understandable and expected, but his EX wife? 🤔

lilajcolls · 16/05/2024 19:25

Ginmonkeyagain · 16/05/2024 19:25

Leavig money to his kids is totally understandable and expected, but his EX wife? 🤔

Edited

Agreed on both counts.

OP posts:
Jeezitneverends · 16/05/2024 19:26

Are you sure he’s actually divorced? There’s no inheritance tax between spouses so this would actually make financial sense

lilajcolls · 16/05/2024 19:27

Jeezitneverends · 16/05/2024 19:26

Are you sure he’s actually divorced? There’s no inheritance tax between spouses so this would actually make financial sense

Yes. I checked over and over again - and then tripled 'verified' - shall we say.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 16/05/2024 19:28

I think the most bizarre thing here is that you are leaving everything to him. Why are you doing that?

cherish123 · 16/05/2024 19:29

All his money should go to his children.
If I were you, I would not leave your money to him. You haven't been going out that long. Surely you would leave it to a family member.

MountCaramel · 16/05/2024 19:30

YaBU to leave everything to a man you've only known for 3 years. Why not leave it to family & or friends? If he inherits from you and then dies then his ex & kids will inherit your estate as well as his.

Redo your will & leave it all to your own family & friends or the local cats home if you want. Why should another random family inherit your estate?

Buy your own home and be as independent as possible. I'd rethink the relationship, he isn't that into you.

Meadowfinch · 16/05/2024 19:30

Has he made the ex his executor, and the children the beneficiaries?. Leaving everything to the children to pay off university fees and house deposits.

I think you need to explain to him that you will buy on your own home. Nothing else will protect you.

lilajcolls · 16/05/2024 19:31

Seeingadistance · 16/05/2024 19:28

I think the most bizarre thing here is that you are leaving everything to him. Why are you doing that?

Both my parents have passed on now (hence why I was doing my own estate planning) and I'm the youngest in my family by quite a bit. My one sibling doesn't have children. Of course, that could change over time as she's hoping to adopt.

OP posts:
Whatonearth07957 · 16/05/2024 19:31

That's weird... Kids I can understand. Is he well? They're definitely divorced? And she's paid off?

WhereIsMyLight · 16/05/2024 19:32

Well you don’t have to leave everything to him. He’s financially well off, you don’t have children together so I’d leave it to a family member or even just a charity of your choosing. If you want to continue with the relationship and buy a place together, you would get a property that is tenants in common and in his will you have a lifetime share in the property. If he does before you, you have a right to remain in that house until you sell or move at which point his half would go back to the beneficiaries of his estate. It could be reciprocal so he has a right to remain in the property should you die and then when he sells or dies, your half would come to your beneficiaries.

Why did they divorce? It seems odd to be so keen to take care of his ex wife and that she will manage the estate on his passing.

lilajcolls · 16/05/2024 19:32

Whatonearth07957 · 16/05/2024 19:31

That's weird... Kids I can understand. Is he well? They're definitely divorced? And she's paid off?

She has enough to buy multiple homes in central London, let's put it that way.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 16/05/2024 19:32

You’ve been together three years. Many people meet and marry in this time.

whats the housing situation for his ex and children? Do they own their own house, or is do paying the mortgage? Maybe preventing his kids being homeless and their security is the reason

However, it’s a bit callous to exclude you if he considers you his future.

Do you want children in the future? If so, what happens then?

Riverlee · 16/05/2024 19:33

Sorry, just seen you’ve answered my question.

PaminaMozart · 16/05/2024 19:33

Don't hitch your wagon to this guy.

Redo your will as a matter of urgency and ensure it's kept in a safe place and key members of your family know where it is.

Rethink this entire relationship...

SwissArmyRomance · 16/05/2024 19:33

I don't think I'd want a marriage-esque partnership with this man. I'd advise you to buy your own place and leave your money to your sister. Even though she's older, being morbid, you could die next week.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 16/05/2024 19:33

It's odd you're leaving everything to a man you've known only 3 years, you're not married to him, no children with him. Why can't you leave everything to a family member? Supposing you split and something happened before you could change your will?

he sounds like a selfish, deceitful sod anyway. Keep your financial independence, buy your own house, keep it in your name, keep your finances separate. This whole thing sounds dodgy.

Londonrach1 · 16/05/2024 19:34

Don't buy with him...be independent.. this is a recipe for disaster..

FictionalCharacter · 16/05/2024 19:34

I think you should seriously rethink your relationship with a man who plans to benefit his already wealthy EX wife in his will, but not you, his partner. There's no rational reason for him to do that.
His evasiveness is concerning too.
Absolutely do not buy a property with him.

mewkins · 16/05/2024 19:36

lilajcolls · 16/05/2024 19:31

Both my parents have passed on now (hence why I was doing my own estate planning) and I'm the youngest in my family by quite a bit. My one sibling doesn't have children. Of course, that could change over time as she's hoping to adopt.

Leave it to your sister then. Or a charity. It doesn't sound like he needs it. Also, I think you should buy a house on your own.

Spywoman · 16/05/2024 19:36

I could understand it if he suggested that you get a lifetime share of his part of your joint property and that his portion goes to his children on your death (if he pre-deceases you) but if all his assets including his share of your joint property go straight to his ex and the children then you would be effectively homeless.

I would re-think this relationship but certainly decide to buy on your own. It seems like he sees his ex-wife as his real family and you're just a girlfriend.

It's also a red flag to me that he is evasive. Also that his ex has access to his financial affairs and you don't.

LIZS · 16/05/2024 19:37

How old are the children? He can choose who he likes, just as you can and sounds like best not to him. If you died first then him his ex would inherit your estate. Likewise were you to buy a property together set the title registration up so it does not go to him automatically. Tbh it sounds as if you have very different thoughts on this and it may break down your relationship.