Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

"Plan is/was to get married next year. But move in prior."

How about getting married first, then buying a house as a joint marital asset in both names?

If you decide to start a family, how will you pay part of the mortgage?

He is quite wealthy

Surely being able to give 60m in cash to the ex wife makes him very wealthy?!

How is living together going to work with the 50/50 budget? As a multi millionaire I’m sure I’d want to live a certain way.

This is (as another poster said) what I thought for a second. But all the necessary filings are public, so I can't imagine that there is some scandal.

I don't need to be reminded (by him) how he's 'so glad I'm not a gold-digger'. I know myself and don't need to be conditioned etc...

He said his marriage was abusive and that he caters to her to 'keep the peace'. His logic for buying the house together was that she couldn't get her hands on it. I, of course, wouldn't want to live in a place that I couldn't afford solo - especially with such a financial disparity, so I wanted to buy on my own - which was always the plan - and a plan I am sticking to. If there's a chance that I could one day be homeless, then that's not a chance I can take.

I don't think he meant literally 50/50 but certainly wanting to buy a place together. As it stands now, our expenses are ok to be split evenly regarding dinners, outings, vacations etc... but obviously a house is a much bigger purchase and where we couldn't go 50/50 - especially if I am to buy solo prior anyway.

His logic for buying the house together was that she couldn't get her hands on it.
He's making no sense. How could she get her hands on a house belonging to him when they're divorced and she's had a huge settlement, and is sitting on tens of millions?
Why is he happy for her to "get her hands" on his wealth when he dies, money she doesn't need, but intends to leave you absolutely nothing?
Something doesn't add up.

Agreed. That's my point. It doesn't make sense. He also still gives her money (separate to CS) even though the divorced has been settled for years. There was no alimony granted as she got a huge settlement. He also still pays for everything (literally everything) for both children of his own accord - things such as clothes, vacations and school fees (from his own account - so the CS payments are almost a moot point). That said; he, of course, should pay for his children - and given that he has more than enough, that's admirable that he's taking it all on. But then to know I could potentially be homeless one day - and I'm the 'partner'.... uhm... what?!

@FictionalCharacter

think there’s a bit of fiction’ going on here to!

How old are the kids? Is this one of those things where she would have the kids so rather than them inherit it goes to her to fund bringing them up? My friend had everything going to her sister for this exact reason and then at some point it goes to them…can’t remember the exact details.

He is right to leave everything to his children. Leaving it to his ex wife is odd but I have seen it happen.

Don’t leave your estate to him. Don’t buy with him. Have you got nephews and nieces? At least it will go to your bloodline .You could buy your own property and equity release your property for example and spend the money on yourself.

Nah no chance. Keep your property and finances completely separate from his.
Keep your own place and leave your estate to your sibling or charity

Admittedly I disagree with many of these comments.

His wife is his partner in many ways, they have raised and continue to raise children together and likely have built a large chunk of their lives together. It is also very likely they built lots of their wealth hand in hand. Just because the relationship doesn’t work romantically doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t still strong.

If I started dating, I’d be looking for a boyfriend/companion and a loving relationship. Not for someone to share my money with. That’s for my family

I think you're right to buy your own place - you can rent it out after you get married and move in with him. I wouldn't move in before you get married, marriage could be postponed, and you end up with no rights to your home.

And do change your will now before you're married as pps have said - leave it to your sister if you want, and you can redo your will on marriage or if your sister dies before you. Don't leave it to a man who doesn't need it and is leaving you nothing.

Don't buy with him now. Only buy with him if and once you're married.

I don't understand why you are leaving your nest egg to a man who is already a multimillionaire. Surely it would make more sense to leave your own modest savings to your sibling or to her current or future children. That would also make your relationship with this man more symmetrical. Also, you've only been together 3 years and he doesn't sound committed so I'm not sure I would be doing something as permanent as putting him in my will.

That is a minor part of your bigger situation, which is about putting your savings into a home that you might get kicked out of if he were to pass away before you. His share would go to his wife or kids who would likely force you to sell and you'd then have to use whatever you got to buy a new place to live, under circumstances that are unpredictable - would you be able to afford another place in an area close to your work, would you have to pack up your stuff in a hurry while you were still grieving, etc. He might even set it up so that you didn't get any gains from the gain in home values over time. He sounds very savvy and also very stingy, to be honest. I do not understand at all why you would put yourself in such a risky position.

Unless you can get to the bottom of this I don't think you should buy with him or leave anything to him in your will. If you don't want to leave it to your family think of all a charitable cause that means something to you and consider the difference it could make. He clearly doesn't need it and isn't thinking of you.

I actually agree in principle, but lots of what he says doesn't add up. She's more than financially set and I don't actually begrudge her/their setup. What I do begrudge is not feeling like a 'partner' in any way - and that's rightly not her problem. I do feel as though they are still very much enmeshed - and therefore don't feel like I have any valid role in his life.

I'm very much financially astute and he's only too aware of that, so I'm not looking to be a kept woman or to quit my job etc... but to not even have the knowledge/assurance that if we did indeed buy a place together; I'd have a home (in the event of anything bad happening) is just a step too far.

How can it have hurt that much to give his ex wife £££ if he’s planning to also give her a chunk of the rest!
this isn’t move in territory - I couldn’t move in with a man who had a will and didn’t even talk about provisions for you to continue living in the house. ’no thank you I’ll buy somewhere that I can stay in no matter what. Honestly a set up where you died and I’m grieving and also immediately turfed out of our house is awful. Plus I feel silly having left everything to you in my will since you
dont think of me the same way - him: splutter splutter I have children - you hmm. There are many divorced people out there with children and they don’t leave a chunk of their estate to their ex wife, that ones just you. And unlike her, I’d be homeless.’

but if he’s so wealthy does he even want to live anywhere you could afford half of?

Why would you leave everything to him, when he’s already minted, and will just leave all of your estate to his ex wife anyway?! Why not leave it to charity?

How are you currently affording to go 50/50 with a multimillionaire on things like holidays?

Why are you not answering all the posts questioning why you're leaving everything to him and not your sister?

Mmm I think you need to sit down and talk about your future. Will you be getting married, kids, what are your retirement plans, how will it be funded etc. if he won’t have that conversation then I’m afraid he doesn’t see you as a long term partner

If you get married a will is no longer valid.

There is a very simple estate planning situation to this mess - a life interest trust whereby you get the benefit of the income (which includes the right to live in the house) some or all of the assets but they aren't legally yours, then on your death, remarriage or entering permanent residential care, the capital of the trust passes to the children. Win win as you get to enjoy the house without being papped out but equally his children cannot accidentally be disinherited- their entitlement to their share of the estate is just deferred until you are done with it.

What I would caution you about is buying a property with the man who trusts his ex wife to look after things for you and the children. I guarantee first opportunity she gets, she will either see you homeless or force you to sell or remortgage the house to release her and her children's share. Don't. Do. It. If he won't talk finances, don't buy together.

Other thing you might both want to consider is a pre nup particularly if he is worried about the potential for a 2nd divorce (although why having been burned, he wants ex to have his assets directly rather than as a trustee to look after them till their kids are old enough is beyond me. Does he still have feelings there? Bit of a red flag there for me I'm afraid)

Good luck!

I did my will after both my parents passed away. This was before I knew everything was largely going to his ex-wife/children. As I said in previous posts, of course, children being provided for/sole beneficiaries is fair/to be expected - and something any decent person would/should encourage!

But yes; would rather leave it to charity. My parents left most of their money to my sister (who had a few health issues at the time). She has no children but is hoping to adopt. So I have no nieces/nephews etc...