Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

You're with a multi millionaire but you split bills 50/50?? I'm all for financial independence but this just seems awful of him, if he is THAT wealthy.

And if he is so rich why are you leaving him anything in your will? Give it to charity surely...

I answered this prior to your post. Please see above.

Fund bringing them up? She already has 60 million, isn't that enough?

Pre nup and a new will can still see OP doesn’t get anything. I think a wife can be excluded from a will in the UK.

The inclusion of his ex in all this, from his inheritance to sorting things in the event of his death, is just bizarre. I don't know why you'd want to get in the middle of that. Buy a property on your own, don't tie yourself financially to this man. He doesn't view you as his partner.

This.

It makes sense that his wife knows where all his documents are. She’s probably known for a long time and is well placed to deal with his affairs when he dies. I wonder if he is telling you he doesn’t see you as his life long partner as a PP poster has suggested.

Seems a really odd set up. Something doesn't add up.......
Absolutely buy your own property and get yourself sorted.
If he marries you then there is likely to be a financial cost to him somehow......but if he isn't being transparent about finances then you really need to rethink this relationship.

Edited, forgot quote

I do feel as though they are still very much enmeshed - and therefore don't feel like I have any valid role in his life.
Taking into account everything you've said, including how he pays a huge amount to his ex, pays for everything for their children, yet wants you to pay 50% of the costs of your joint lives, it doesn't look good. I'm afraid I still agree with the PP who said he still feels that he's a family with her and you're just the girlfriend. It really looks as though he's still enmeshed with her.

He also still pays for everything (literally everything) for both children of his own accord - things such as clothes, vacations and school fees (from his own account - so the CS payments are almost a moot point).

she has 60 million plus and he still pays for everything? This doesn’t make sense.

As it stands now, our expenses are ok to be split evenly regarding dinners, outings, vacations etc...

How can you keep up with a multi millionaire or does he have very simple tastes?

This is a major red flag OP. It is a serious concern that he feels the need to financially take care of his ex despite no longer being in love with her or married to her. In comparison, he feels no need to take care of you, the woman he is in love with and hoping to marry…Yes, she is the mother of his children but it’s not like they are hurting financially from your posts. Additionally, he can continue to provide for them whilst being transparent and equally as invested in you…at the moment, it seems like your an outsider…There is also nothing wrong with being financially independent but also wanting your rich ass partner to spend on you and for you to feel like you can financially rely on them. That is what a partner is - someone to rely on and share in the good and bad. You seem really agreeable to him taking care of his kids and ex and if you have showed that to him…why is still so reluctant to be transparent? Have you discussed children?

At the end of the day it’s either he does not love you enough to feel financially obligated to you or he does not trust you. 3 years is long enough to have built both…just test him. You cannot get those 3 years back…why waste more years?

Was going to say exactly this. Your money would be nothing but a drop in the ocean for him, but very meaningful for a charity.

That is the exact point. Nothing makes sense.

With regards to splitting things/taking turns, there's actually not that much disparity in day-to-day things. We don't live together - I pay for my own rent, bills, outgoings first and foremost - but we don't dine out a lot or go on insane holidays. We are both in the field of biomedical engineering; but he's a former CEO and sold his last company - so as pathetic as it might sound, we are both nerds at heart.

I still don't know why you would rather leave money to this very wealthy man who has no intention of leaving you anything, when you could leave money to your sister. She might be older, and she might have inherited more than you already, but I bet she sees you as family much more than this man does.

If you don't like your sister, leave it to charity.

This man doesn't need it and he doesn't deserve it. Anyone else but him.

I don't think marriage is really on the table. He sees his ex and kids as his real family. He won't make a commitment to you. Which is fine... but it's not fine to ask you to move in and refuse to talk about money.

If he wants a casual relationship where you are completely independent and you are not each other's person in a crisis, he has to live that way too.

Date him, but live apart, and buy your own house.

This. You’ve been together three years and from what you’ve said don’t live together?? I wouldn’t be leaving anything to him yet.

He's very stingy, is a multimillionaire but wants to go halves with you etc
Seems like he thinks the ex wife should live in the standard that she's used to
And you should do the same
However, he has a private life
How about holidays
Do you go on economy class(I'm assuming this lol)
But when he takes his kids, he goes on first class?
Eh I don't know
It seema like he sees his ex as his responsibility and he doesn't see you that way
If u have kids, he will provide for his kids and still won't see you as his responsibility
So yeah, keep things seperate and if you see someone better
Jump ship!

No way would I be moving in with him! Buy your own place and definitely change your will now you know he's not making provision for you in the same way. I don't buy that his ex was abusive and he's just leaving her money to keep the peace. There's something else going on here OP and I think you'd be better off out of it altogether.

So I think he should absolutely leave money to his kids and safeguard it so you can’t write them out of the Will if he dies first. But his ex wife should be nowhere near it and as to her “knowing what to do”?? He doesn’t see you as his life partner yet, sorry. Also just practically - say you build a home together and he dies. You will have to move out as you have no rights or anything. It’s risky, you may as well do it alone. I wouldn’t move in and definitely change your will in favour of leaving your money to your sibling!!

I second this response.
Maybe have some fun but he's not a partner is he, he's tied to someone else!
Surely that means that you're his 'bit on the side'?

One of the best pieces of advice I was given when I was young was always have your own property even if you get married. This is particularly relevant in this situation.

Have you discussed having kids? Is that on the cards?

Some people who’ve made a lot of money, unless it’s a fluke like fame, it’s because they really care about it. And the fact of having so much makes them go quite weird. I’ve seen enough very wealthy people who are really weird over their money to say it can’t be a coincidence. There are some who don’t care about it at all, but that’s more true when it’s inherited and they haven’t had to work for it.

So I think this will be par for the course for the rest of your life if you marry him. I also don’t know why you’d consider marrying someone you don’t consider “has a valid role”! I mean you’re his gf!

This.

It should be reciprocal.

He should be happy to talk to you about this.

You've only known him three years!!! Don't leave a millionaire all your money!!

I'd consider leaving him. He doesn't sound committed to you.

If you want to stick at the relationship, could you buy your own place on a buy to let mortgage? And rent it out - and he buys a place that you can both live in rent free and just split bills. At least you can go back to your place if things go wrong but you can live together.

Nothing makes sense.

It does all make sense if he’s not that into you. Then everything makes sense.

This. He doesn't even want you to know where information is if something happens to him but tells you to defer to the ex.

I'd feel pretty insignificant hearing that. Redo your will, buy your own place, and rethink this relationship.

does he know you left everything to him in your Will? Was it rather awkward - it seems you had not a clue by then of his real attitude and intentions but if you go Dutch all the time you knew? Was he embarrassed? What were you leaving him compared to the £60millls (about £300,000?) and does EW have Will?! Hope so. I wonder if he has religious and cultural ties with ex wife that is keeping him so tied to her?