Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

Also, following on from all the posters who have said he’s hiding something, that could be the case but I do wonder if it’s simpler than that.

To me it seems as though he married the first wife and had children before he was wealthy. He then built his business and along with a level of wealth that he may never have imagined. He feels as though he ‘owes’ the first wife as she was with him when he had nothing and supported him through the development of his business. He wasn’t happy and feels guilty for leaving his family so assuages this guilt with money. Additionally, he is now in a position of looking for a new partner but never being able to be sure if they are with him for the money or not. I suspect the ex-wife feeds this fear for her own purposes.

All his relationships now revolve around money and he’s not equipped to handle it. It’s a shame as he may be a good guy, but it’s something he has to resolve himself and I’m not sure he has the ability to do so.

Because u less I've missed something there is nothing here to explain where the money came from. He was married to his ex and there is loads of money. That money isn't generational which means it was made during the marriage. Which makes it family money. Not his money. Was it business they ran together? Did she raise he children and do all the domestic organisation to enable him to run his business? Did she work and support him so he could start the business? Who knows but the point it is wasn't likely his money. It was their money

@trickotreat

The OP explained that the money came from the sale of a bio-medical business he had founded.

Sorry but I'm starting to feel confused.

So, you're financial independent but you're currently renting, though ready to buy in the next year or two. At the same time, you can afford to buy on the same street as him (him with >60 million) because there isn't that much of a discrepancy in your situations?

You know his situation is genuine, more so joe blogs on the street, because you have a shared background, biotech. But you don't work in biotech, you work on finance? So you perhaps did a biotech degree? Which gives you deep insight into the movers and shakers?

He wants to marry you. But he wants to split the cost of meals out with you. He wants to buy a house with you but he also wants to give this house to his ex wife when he dies? Even if you are on the deeds? Which means he can't?

Is this just all horse shit?

Of course it's horse shit. I've been saying that all along, but people keep playing her game.

😩

You can't invest into a future with this man because he's chosen to stick with his "main" family.
He may not be romantically involved with mother of his children but he sees this as his family and you're his girlfriend.

I don't think he'll change his mind as a result of you asking him to leave you some money too.

All you can do is not invest into a joint future with this guy.

Match his lack of investment. Match his lack of faith. But will he notice? Will he care?

Better to move on.

I quoted that post because I AGREE.
I realise that could be confusing.

Doesn't seem odd to me to appoint the mother as executor when the children are the beneficiaries

She wants to buy the place she is renting. He can buy a property outright, she could only put down a deposit. Because of their different budgets the places they have in mind are different.

Both their backgrounds are biotech, but she now works in finance. It’s not very difficult to Google the CEOs of biotech firm and find the cost of the buyout. Where does biotech get investment if not finance (or Bill Gates).

He says he wants to marry her, but he’s a tight git, enmeshed with his first wife.

Yes and like with any couple where one couple supports the other by taking on all the mental load and dross of domestic life, it is THEIR success and THEIR money 🤦🏻‍♀️

Interesting op hasn't come back.

Really? After that onslaught?

This is as shady as fuck OP. And you know it.
You are the time filler for now for him.
Move on.

@lilajcolls im not sure you got the point of @Manxexile's post.

Hes saying you are not protecting your assets and your DP is not being open/honest with you or treating you with respect and as his equal.

For me these are huge red flags. Im so sorry but you are a girlfriend who hasnt asked for his money and pays her way. He respects that more than he respects you.

Go buy your own place. Live in it. He could move in with you and help you pay for your property.

But if I could not get him to see how disrespectful he is being, I would not be with this man, I would deserve better.

OP, this has no respect and is using you.

Why do you have to go 50/50 on a house? He can buy it in his name and if you marry then you can be added as owner. How can he begrudge a 1 million house (for example) when the wife has 60 million and he probably has even more?

What he is doing OP is using you. You are younger (11 years) and he wants your youth, your company and giving nothing in return - no children, no marriage and no secuirty. No string attached.

With the 11 year age gap he is expecting you to then mostly likely then NURSE him as an old codger whilst the wife does FA and waiting in the wings to take the cash and security.

He may have been burnt and had to give the ex wife cash etc BUT he could easily have pre-nup with you and buy a decent house you both live and you can cobtibue to live in until you pass and then goes to the kids or just you keep the house

Red flag. No, I'd move on... Sorry.

Enmeshed and bizzare relationship with ex aside, isn’t this to protect his children’s inheritance- if he dies and it all goes to you, his kids wouldn’t get it, but if it goes to the mother of his his children it means they do. Or have I got that wrong?

No that won't wash. He could easily leave it to his kids and the OP. Unless its in a trust for the kids with a lifetime interest to the ex, the kids are no more guaranteed to inherit from the ex than they would be from the OP....and the OP could be the one left a lifetime interest.

Agreed. Leave it to charity if you don't have anyone else you want to leave it to. For me this looks either like you are trying to encourage him to leave you his money or that you are a fool. He is loaded, he doesn't need your money.

Yes. I suppose a trust would do the same job.

Many thanks for all your messages. Felt compelled to give an update, despite one or two people calling me a liar - which was laughable.

I broke up with him a while ago. He tried to say/backtrack that he was happy for his 'share' to be more than 50/50 regarding a house. His idea of an equal relationship was 50/50 on pretty much everything - bar a few things - such as a trip here and there.

Whilst I can afford to buy in the same neighbourhood as him, a place to his liking would be millions more regardless. He never thought of anything equitable, but simply 50/50. Don't get me wrong, the place I could afford would still be nice - but I can see why he'd want something nicer given his budget.

By the time weeks had passed since my last post, I had mentally detached from the ugliness and crassness of the situation.

Plus, the bizarre enmeshment of his ex-wife wasn't going to ever change. I truly think it's wonderful he's got a family, but there felt like there was no room for me - and as PP said, I wasn't going to wonder if every penny we'd spent would be scrutinised by his ex-wife. Nor did I want to potentially financially suffer.

For those asking, the children do indeed have a trust. The ex-wife has an eye-watering settlement.

Every time he praised me for being so financially astute, it was like he was conditioning me to never ask him for anything/expect anything from him. I totally understand and respect that he got 'burned' before - but in our setup, he would have been getting all the 'perks' and I was supposed to be grateful for going 50/50 with someone staggeringly rich. His ex-wife is living the life - and due to receive many more millions, but I'm supposed to go 50/50 with him so that he doesn't feel 'used' - and in return, he'd buy a few things here and there - or pay for a trip.

(I changed my will to a split between my sister and chose charities. As I might have mentioned before, my parents have both passed).

Even if he offered to buy the place outright, it still would have been a 'no' from me. Once I detached, that was it. My life as a result, has only gotten easier. I am also still hoping to buy the place I'm currently in (as per PP). If not, I can buy elsewhere - on my own - and there's not a damn thing he - or anyone else - can say/do about it.

I'm so glad you have an outcome that you are happy with. The situation sounded very stressful and not very respectful towards you as a person. Good job getting out of it.

Well done OP!! 💪🏼

Thanks for updating us. That seems like a good outcome for you, now enjoy the rest of your life. 💐

Gotta love an OP who updates, particularly with such a good outcome.

Good luck OP, onwards and upwards. 🥂