Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

Plan is/was to get married next year. But move in prior. However; I'm still wanting to buy my own place. I can't then go halves on yet another place with him after that. So I would rather just buy my own place for my own security.

I do not understand either why he wouldn't buy outright, but his take is because he's been burned before and had to give his ex-wife the martial home and 50% of his assets. So I think he doesn't want another woman 'after his money'. I, of course, would pay for anywhere I live - and clearly have the funds to buy my own place - but as you say; there's SUCH a financial disparity regardless.

Oh just get out already. The situation with his ex wife is messed up, there’s clearly something you don’t know. He doesn’t see you as an equal, either because you have less money, because you’re younger, because his heart is actually still in his marriage, or a combination of all three. You’re his comfy pair of slippers, not his equal life partner. You’ll do because you make such a point of not being a gold digger (playing the “cool girl”) that you’ll never ask him for anything, which is great because he doesn’t want to give you anything. Even in death.

You sound like you want more. So why aren’t you out looking for what you want instead of wasting your time on a future faking commitment phobe?

Just buy your own house. You'll always have it and then it doesn't matter if you break up.

I can't follow his thinking. If he's been financially burnt by marraige before, why would be do it again at all? He would be much better off not to marry you, but the house he wants and gave you live with him. Something doesn't make sense here. Is he really divorced and is he really that wealthy?

I don't believe you'll ever but a house 50/50 or get married based on everything you say. I wouldn't contribute 50/50 on a house if I wasn't married. You lose out in that situation. He risks nothing.

Agreed RE: buying my own place - which was the plan anyway. With or without him.

I think he's only open to marriage again based on the fact that I am indeed financially independent. It's a great setup for him, less so for me.

Obviously - and as per my recent posts), I couldn't buy my place (that I'm currently a tenant in) and then go on to buy another home with him and go 50/50 on it, so he would have to either pay the majority - or buy it outright - given the vast difference in finances.

I’ve been burnt before v I’m leaving everything to her are generally mutually exclusive. My money is on him using her to deflect and prevent you finding out anything about his financial affairs. He doesn’t sound trustworthy

I think he should leave most of his fortune to his ex - presumably she spent a long period of time with him, had their children and probably supported his big job life style, including periods of risk and hardship at the beginning in all likelihood. You're just coming in at the end when it's easy, having had the freedom to make yourself independent.

This. Or he sees his finances as purely something for his family and as a 'family affair' - whereas I'm the financially independent girlfriend who would never ask him for anything.

YABU

His money, his decision.

You must be talking easily £100m plus in total assets between him and the ex. There will be lots of complex tax planning and vehicles for ownership. Homes and assets owned by companies of which they are both directors for example. I’m sure the ex is a means of protecting his assets for the children.

He may also be one of those rare men who feel a duty to the woman who supported him on the way up.

I don’t necessarily think his position on the will means he’s not committed to you but two things stand out…

You will be living a gilded life and at the back of your mind you’ll be forever wondering when it’s going to come to an end if there is no provision for you to maintain your lifestyle after his death.

Without being rude, if you need to save for a deposit whatever you can afford will be significantly smaller and less luxurious than he would have bought. I wonder how he’ll adapt to that.

It seems odd that with so much at his disposal, he wants to go 50/50. I think he could end up being quite the penny pincher. How do you split the cost of things like holidays and dates? Is he generous on your birthday?

To be clear, I was financially independent before he was in the picture. Even before my parents passed.

Not when "his money" would include half a property he has suggested they buy together and he refuses to discuss how his ex-wife would approach that.

Trust me, it is his choice and that is a fact, thankfully.

Serious question, who will stop him from doing as he wants??

I personally would back off this whole thing, relationship included. I would never feel comfortable in a relationship in which I am in no way equal to my partner.

Oh hold on. You are much younger than anticipated.

you are thinking about marrying this man. Have you discussed children?

that is a completely different situation. If he wants to do a second round and have more kids, he has to actually do a second round and split his financial focus in two. I would not agree to anything other than a complete financial partnership, that does take into account his existing children.

If we are honestly talking about these sums of dosh, surely you can afford to pay for the required advice and legal protection needed here? He can obviously leave his money as he wishes but if you are going for shared property then you need to protect your own future. If he doesn't want to discuss, I would ditch him.

What?
Oh, it's you. I won't bother.

So you thought you'd throw a question at me but as the response was decisive, you are left with one choice and you have taken it.
End

I only wish it was the end but you pop up all over with your "facts", don't you! Bless.

I wish you could see all the "thanks" my last post got 😁

I wish you could see all the "thanks" that my previous post got here and most others' threads.

You said you were not going "bother" but I was certain you'd be back just as expected,🙄🙄

FYI, "oh its you, I won't bother" and that is a real fact. Bless.✌

I’ve popped up again because the more I think about this the worse it gets. He isn’t fully committing to you and you will never be an equal when there is such a financial disparity.

It is actually quite contemptible that with all his money, he couldn’t even give you half of the marital home in his will. It would change your life and the kids wouldn’t even miss it.

There is so much more I feel like I need to know to form a full picture but not leaving his share of the marital home says a lot. If you did want to share more with us, how you split costs now is important as is how he proposes splitting bills in your shared home. What is his proposal for retirement? Will you continue working to pay your way? His attitude makes me think he isn’t open to children? Are you ok with this? Is he generous with you?

I’m really sorry.

When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

This alone would have had me fucking him right off to fuck. It's an absolute no, he is clearly far too attached to his ex-wife for whatever strange reason and this is unlikely to change. Who can actually be arsed with that?

My advice? Chuck this one in the bin and buy yourself a lovely house, alone.

He can. We don’t know OP’s situation. As she needs to save for a deposit and is currently renting, I don’t think we can assume she has pots for legal advice.

@lilajcolls she must have some serious dirt on him then?! Are his business dealings definitely above board? I guess he doesn't seem the type to tell you. It seems odd he would imply you're a gold-digger while handing fortunes to someone he supposedly has no connection with anymore, other than grown kids?

I agree @FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren .

If op and dp have been together for three years, and are engaged to be married, she should be the default partner, not the ex-wife.

This was exactly what I thought. Nobody would keep an ex that close without there being a very suss reason. What does he do OP?