Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

Hi OP. I think you really need to think this through. Where is this relationship going? If it’s marriage, I would need security with respect to the marital home. Further, what happens should you get pregnant and have children? With respect to your will, I’d change that now - I’d probably consider a mix of your sister and a charity.

Your partner seems evasive and the whole set up seems odd. I’d want to ensure my future wife has a roof over her head and can take care of herself she something happen. Why? Because I love and cherish her. Presumably he no longer loves and cherishes his former wife? In any case she’s got £60M. His children have trusts.

In most marriages, especially with your age difference, the man earns more than the woman. They buy a house together and he pays more than her, but she still pays a good chunk of her own salary of she earns.

If he dies, she gets the house and vice versa. This doesn't seem to be happening here and you have been together for a whole three years. The contrast with how he treats his ex wife is a bit odd.

I understand he doesn't want to get burned, but he's sounding a bit tight towards his fiancee and future wife. He should be wanting to spend some money on you.

Are you actually planning on getting married? If it's next year, you should be booking a venue, or saving the date with guests. Like PP, I'd also like to know if you plan on having children. I'm getting the impression from your posts that he's holding you at arm's length.

@lilajcolls - I don't think you've mentioned this, but where does this man's wealth come from?

Is he nouveau riche and some kind of banker or financier etc., or is this "old money" and he and his ex-wife are part of some old "aristocracy" that you aren't a member of and "his" wealth is tied up in all sorts of family trusts?

If you are financially independent get the best legal advice you can to protect yourself before making any decisions.

But if you're going to buy a place together I suggest you forget the idea of going 50:50 (no matter how financially independent you are - or think you are) and let him buy it - you say he's a multimillionaire FFS - and make sure it's owned jointly by the two of you, so his share can't go to anyone but you.

I think you said his wife got £60m from the divorce, and that his son is 18 and daughter 15, and he pays ALL the kids' expenses. The son's already an adult and the daughter is only 3 years off. There's no reason at all why he should leave everything to his ex-wife. She's got £60m (at least) and could see their daughter through the next 3 years until she could take any inheritance from her father.

I hate to say this but this man sounds as if he's very wealthy and my experience of the very wealthy is that they don't really respect other people. I'm sorry but I don't think he sees you as an equal and I don't think he has anything invested in this relationship.

If you want to see yourself on an equal footing with this man and you really want to see yourself as being independent and going 50:50 on everything, then I think you really need to sit him down and ask him to explain to you face to face and eye to eye why he wants to leave everything to his ex. See if you get an honest answer out of him 'cos I think he's not telling you everything. If he is, I apologise.

Change your will and leave it either to your sister and any children - adopted or otherwise - or to a charity of your choice.

PS - I'm actually a bloke and this all sounds very dodgy to me. My wife and I don't have kids but our wills leave everything to each other and in the event we die together it's shared out between our respective nieces and nephews. And because my wife has contributed more to our marital wealth than I have, her nephew and nieces get a bigger share than mine. We've discussed it and that's fair. You need to discuss what's fair with this man. Don't disadvantage yourself with some well-meaning but ultimately daft 50:50 notion

This

The money is one thing; the ‘oh, Jane will manage my estate when I die’ is in my view worse! Why on earth would he not have his own wealth ring/fenced given his own logic of having been ‘burned before’? I suspect he is being at the very least disingenuous, and like many people post-divorce, regardless of how wealthy they are, is jealously guarding his assets, even though he has plenty to see the children well into their independence.

As a divorced mother myself, and dating in the divorced-dads pool, I do understand taking a very boundaried approach to personal wealth and legacy - but the scale of the wealth that was in their marriage, the divorce settlement, and the ongoing maintenance leads me to think he is lying to you.

Exactly. I think it's the 'Oh, Jane will handle all that!'

It's also somewhat condescending. This is the first divorced person I've dated. In fact; the first person with kids. There's a lot of baggage and drama - and more drama on the horizon it seems. It's actually not so much the money, more that the relationship seems skewered.

He sold his biomedical company for a very substantial amount of money (which all public info etc...) so not generational wealth (to answer your question).

Yes, you are right. She is more than 'set for life'. Of course, children come first and they should come first. They should be provided for. No one is disputing that - thankfully! It's just all so bizarre. He still gives her endless amounts of money whenever she asks - despite a £60m payout - and the divorce being years ago - yet I'm wondering if I might be homeless one day...?

To be clear, it's not that she asks for money for the children - because that's all paid for via CS - and things like school fees and vacations are paid for directly by him (despite the payout - but that's fine and his prerogative) - but it's just money for the sake of money. Odd odd odd.

Thankfully, I'm sticking to my plan of buying on my own (as was going to be the case anyway) and will change my will to my sister and chosen charities - of which I already have in mind.

My background is in biomedical engineering and whilst I work in the financial services - my heart is still full of love for the advances that could be made in the medical field, so I'd rather my money go there.

What would really not make sense is you becoming financially entangled with this man.

Do not move in.
Do not buy a house jointly with him.
He is contradicting his 'burned' narrative with his 'Jane will take care of it'.
His evasiveness is a huge red flag.

"I don't need to be reminded (by him) how he's 'so glad I'm not a gold-digger'. I know myself and don't need to be conditioned etc..."
Another huge red flag. He's not praising you for not being a gold digger, he's reminding you - indeed, instructing you to not be a gold digger. If he thinks you are one, he shouldn't be with you. And if he doesn't think you are one, he should stop insulting you by suggesting you might be.

Does this man have any good points, OP? Good enough to outweigh all this?

Op I didn't see if you answered the question on if you plan to have kids with him?

As others have said leaving money for his kids is 100% reasonable. Even leaving to his ex is understandable if she supported him while he built his fortune. But if he married you he should be making some provisions for you he can clearly afford it.

Absolutely unacceptable to go half's on a house with you then leave it to his ex. Even leaving it to his kids when they are so well provided for is not really ok. He's young enough he could still spend half his life with you and you being younger could end up nursing him through poor health at the end. You deserve to get the house you live in after that. Talk to him and if this isn't the plan for him don't marry him and don't buy with him.

Have you said why him and ex split? Do you think he still loves her? My ex has nowhere near this sort of money but he had significantly more than me- except he didn't because he was being overly generous to his ex (who earnt more than him so it wasn't about supporting the woman who supported him to build his career). He also used to make the comments about how it was brilliant i was financially independent etc and would not talk about money even when we lived together and the debt collectors turned up to take his car leaving me to pay his debts for him he wouldn't talk finances with me or give me figures so I could work out a reasonable budget. Eventually he let slip he hadnt been paying our bills on our home because he was still paying his ex mortgage for her. In the end I worked out what was clear all along he wasn't over her, I was younger and slimmer and good with his kids and he needed a nanny housekeeper who he could have sex with basically he said he loved me but never actually did. Sounds to me like you are in a similar situation.

Something doesn't quite seem to add up in this scenario.

Is it guilt or some misplaced loyalty he is leaving his EX millions???

You're leaving your money to a very rich man who isn't leaving you anything. If your sister doesn't need the money and has nobody to leave it to, I'd consider a charity. Your estate could do a lot of good - choose a charity close to your heart.

His children, yes.

But he is still in his mind tied to his ex wife.

You're an afterthought.

Buy your own place, don't live with him.

Don't leave anything to him.

Friends, family, charities ... and make sure he knows this.

This is WEIRD.

I feel like there are a few options –

1. He still loves or has feelings for her. Who suggested the divorce?

You're a companion to him and he's a husband to you. I don't mean this in a derogatory sense... Like in older ages (40s, 50s and beyond), people can just want a romantic companion for the good stuff (including emotional intimacy), yet not get any deeper or more intricately linked than that. I don't know how to explain but this applies even when they get married – like it's a very low key might as well thing.

If he's a little sexist or snobby, the companion thing could also take on an unpleasantly unequal slant too.

2. You're a wife (and equal) to him but he feels emotionally beholden (scared, or guilty, or etc) to his wife in some way. Could be emotional dynamics (still unhealthy), or maybe he cheated on her or something like that in the past

3. Reducing IHT (disproportionately huge the higher you get) for his kids by using his ex wife as a conduit / diluting mechanism

he is 46 not 90

This is a business decision for him not an emotional one.

This how he is compartmentalising his life, you are not family, you are just his girlfriend. It doesn't matter why or how, it's his money he can decide where it goes.

The only thing that matters now, is how you feel about it. With the huge disparity in your financial situation, the relationship will always be unequal to some degree. It sounds like this is the first time it has hit you.

I would take a step back for a couple of months, get some really good advice from independent professionals. They may cost now, but it will save you pounds and heartache in the future.

If you do buy a house together, surely it would be best if he bequests his share of that to you? It sounds like the kids (and ex!) are very well taken care of and his equity in the house you buy will be a tiny amount by comparison. It won't hurt anyone, and it will ensure you aren't left in what could be a bit of a pickle if he dies before you and half your house gets passed to his kids.

I mean passing his half of your joint house to his kids or his ex-wife would be an absolute insult to you. It basically says you're nothing but a bedwarmer to him, as well as possibly also a free housekeeper and caregiver, depending on what he expects from you when he's ill etc.

The whole set up is weird. The idea that you get married and buy a house together with the house being left - along with everything else to his ex wife and children - so you are made homeless when he dies doesn't sound great to me. It sounds like he wants you around to share expenses and provide "wifely" services without considering your future financial security. What would happen if you got sick or became disabled? You could easily have 30 years with him and nurse him when he gets very elderly but inherit nothing. He doesn't sound like he ever gives you little treats or holidays that you might otherwise not be able to afford. When people/men are being evasive it's because they know what they are doing is not right or equitable.

I'd buy on my own and re-evaluate the whole relationship. If he ever does pony up with a ring - and I'd expect a giant rock with the kind of money he has - you can bet it will be accompanied by a pre-nuptial agreement and/or money being shifted into trusts that you can't easily bust. And the comment that Jane will know and will take care of the will and know how to handle everything is just putting you in your place. Being honest, I wouldn't waste the rest of my thirties on what sounds like a not very nice man.

I am in the twilight of my career. I will probably retire in five years at 65. I will be very financially secure and can retire in the knowledge that I'm not going to lose my house. I'm not sure I'd want to be married to a tight fisted 76 year old at that stage either. There is just something missing in this man that he doesn't want to spoil you and take care of you but pays money to his fabulously rich and supposedly abusive ex-wife from whom he has been divorced for five years. It is not being a gold digger to expect to at least own the house you have partially paid for if your husband dies, especially when there is more than enough money to go around. I agree his children should be provided for but I'd expect to be comfortably provided for too for that matter rather than his very wealthy ex-wife.

I see you’re thinking very hard about this.
just to add if you co own the home and he’s left nothing to you this is very much a challengeable will. I’m surprised someone with this antipathy to commitment or support of any kind is planning to marry you. And it’s frankly irreconcilable that he both moans about being burnt before and also is leaving lots to his ex. Totally inconsistent

I couldn’t deal with buying a property together under these terms.
If you do buy together I would want the house excluded from his exs inheritance ie. you inherit his share of the house and items within it ie furniture, white goods etc.

He can leave his stocks and shares and money to his ex and kids but not half of your home.
I would also be asking why he thinks anything other than this is reasonable!

This ^

Utterly bizarre

I would rethink the relationship entirely. However, if you do wish to proceed, then you should buy your own place and rent it out. Then he buys a place with you on the deeds. You change your will to leave your estate to your sister or charity. This way you’d have your own place if he dies.

but honestly, I’d be worried that he doesn’t view me as a life partner. And I understand that he may think his true family is his first family. But if he can’t fully commit to you, then you should be with someone who can and wants to put you first

I think if you can't be up front with him about this, there is no future.

Surely he can see that you want to be assured, should something happen to him, you a/ know what the fuck is going on and b/ won't end up potless/homeless/on your arse.

That doesn't mean he need leave anything to you, but it does mean he needs to let you in on the details, and take steps to ensure any property you jointly buy is at least, yours to live in for as long as you want.

This man doesn’t sound like he needs anything that you’ll need. I don’t think you should move in with him either