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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will I ever get over my parents choosing my brother over me?

164 replies

Bluesunflowering · 16/05/2024 13:38

Well that’s how it feels anyway.

I moved 10 years ago around 200 miles from my hometown for work reasons. I met my partner and around 4 years later I had my son.
My parents had always said they would move away from our hometown eventually, as it was becoming more built up in their words.

My brother and now wife moved to a new area which is about 125 miles from us during lockdown.

My parents then decided in 2022 that they were going to move closer to my brother, after visiting them there. We’re talking about 15 mins drive away.
I feel like I’ve been abandoned , I know it’s pathetic as an adult, but it feels like a huge rejection to me.
They are always spending time together, going round to each other’s house for dinner, going out for coffee, BBQs, helping each other with DIY projects and so on.

My partner’s parents live near us, but it’s not the same as having mine nearby.

My brother and his wife are due a baby in the summer and I know my parents will have more of a relationship with him/her than with my DS, and it hurts.
I thought about moving closer to them all, but my DP doesn’t want to move away and he has his job here. I’m only working part time/freelancing , so not a huge issue for me, but he’s in his ideal job here. Plus his parents are here too.

I’m starting to see a therapist about all this as it’s making me feel so sad and depressed. It’s also making me re-consider all my past decisions and choices.

OP posts:
Perfectpots · 16/05/2024 13:41

To be fair - you 'abandoned' them first, did you not?

Patchworksack · 16/05/2024 13:41

How could they have pleased both of you? Pick a spot exactly in the middle and be close to neither of you? Unless there is a massive backstory of your brother bring golden child then YABU. Did they ever say they would move close to you, or just away from your hometown?

MuscariFan · 16/05/2024 13:42

Presumably they picked the place they would prefer to live, rather than their 'favourite child', surely?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2024 13:43

You moved first. You can’t have expected them to follow you?

BreakingAndBroke · 16/05/2024 13:44

You moved away first, right? And they have since moved 85 miles closer than they were? Perhaps they couldn't afford where you live or don't like the area. They are closer than they were so you were probably part of their consideration for moving.

I would probably also feel a bit left out in yoir shoes and the relative relationships they will have with different grandchildren would upset me too.

How often do you see each other?

RedBananas12 · 16/05/2024 13:45

You moved away from them. You are being very unreasonable

OhYoko · 16/05/2024 13:48

My husband feels a bit like this I think. He moved closer to where I lived- a major city and where his job was- and his parents moved from about 50miles away to double that to be practically down the same road as his sister. They're as such way more involved with her and her kids than him and ours. Obviously he did move first as others are pointing out but it does sting and I know I would feel the same.

NosyJosie · 16/05/2024 13:49

YABU. And you need to grow up. You can’t expect your parents to live equally between you and your brother and use the term “abandoned” when you left yourself and moved 200 miles away. There is no point beating yourself up over that though, you followed your own adult dreams and found what sounds like a great life.

You’re jealous and comparing what your brother gets from mum and dad.

My parents now live abroad and they have a better relationship with my daughters than the other set of grandparents that live down the road.

ALunchbox · 16/05/2024 13:49

Did they say or do anything that would suggest they moved closer by way of preference? If not, there is nothing to indicate that they abandoned you. I doubt many families have set up where every child is equidistant from the family home. A whole variety of circumstances beyond anyone s control will have determined everyone's location (work, partner, property prices, school catchment, transport links, etc)

NeverEnoughPants · 16/05/2024 13:50

It sounds like they like that area better, if they decided after visiting the place.

If they had moved to be closer to you, would you have been at all bothered that they had 'abandoned' your brother?

Octonaut4Life · 16/05/2024 13:50

Sorry OP but you're being very unreasonable. You moved 200 miles away! They've since moved significantly closer, to a location that meets their needs. They haven't "chosen" your brother any more than you've "rejected" them.

PeopleGetSoAngry · 16/05/2024 13:52

Surely they moved to the location they liked best not to the child they liked best

MatildaTheCat · 16/05/2024 13:56

Sorry you are feeling so low about this. There will, no doubt be many reasons for your parents choosing to move nearer to your DB and unless there’s more to this that you haven’t mentioned, it wasn’t down to preferring one of their children.

Can you look at ways to enable regular visits and contact with your family? Although you clearly feel your inlaws aren’t the same, are they involved with your family and supportive?

Seeing a therapist about these feelings sounds sensible since there seem to be some deep seated feelings of abandonment in you which may be unreasonable ( and some posters are really unkind on here) but are feeling real to you.

Ineedaholidayyyy · 16/05/2024 14:01

Your choice of words are wrong, as whilst it's natural to feel left out in this scenario, they have not abandoned you as you describe it. You moved 200 miles away from them, not the other way round so YABU to think this.

Unless there is a massive back story, it doesn't sound like they have chosen your brother, but they prefer the location of where he has moved to. If it makes you that deeply unhappy then you could move back closer to them , but that would mean uprooting your husband away from his family, and your child away from school etc. Hopefully the therapist can help.

Youdontevengohere · 16/05/2024 14:04

By your logic, if they’re have moved closer to you then they’d be ‘abandoning’ your brother and would have picked you over him?

Testina · 16/05/2024 14:05

Surely there’s a backstory of them choosing him over you for your entire life?!

Otherwise… you moved away. You chose your in-laws over them.

Valid8me · 16/05/2024 14:06

YABVU - your parents haven't chosen your brother over you and certainly haven't abandoned you!

You are the one that moved away in the first place. Did you want your parents to stay in your hometown forever or is it just because they have moved nearer to your brother than to you? Do you think he would feel the same if they had moved closer to you than to him? No, of course he wouldn't.

Your parents should be free to live wherever they like, they clearly prefer the area closer to where your brother lives and at least now, they are a bit closer to you than they were after you moved 200 miles away.

Toddlerteaplease · 16/05/2024 14:07

My parents moved 200 miles away to the same town that my sister lives in. It's a lovely place and suits them perfectly. I am
A bit envious that my sister regularly sees them for coffee etc. And I am completely on my own down here. But it was the right thing for them. And that's absolutely fine with me.

InYourBedNow · 16/05/2024 14:11

Does your brother live in a nicer/less expensive place?

PandaCwtch · 16/05/2024 14:13

You, a grown adult, moved 200 miles away from your parents.

You think that the fact that they didn't move to the same town is abandoning you?

YABU

needsomeadvice22 · 16/05/2024 14:13

You moved first? Imagine how they felt when you moved 200 miles away..

DoorOpening · 16/05/2024 14:14

Yes you moved first and logically can’t expect them to follow you etc.

But honestly I would feel the same. My sister moved to be near my parents, so a different set up, but I still felt horribly jealous of the grandparent/grandchild relationship and of the help given and just the overall closeness.

If it’s any help, I have gradually made peace with it, and we see each other plenty. It’s tough though. You might have a lot of underlying issues to pick apart so if you can afford some therapy, go for it!

Nouvellenovel · 16/05/2024 14:18

@Bluesunflowering your dp’s are 75 miles nearer to you than they were which must help.
And you have your in-laws nearby.
Perhaps your dp’s are jealous of the extra time your in-laws have with their dgc.

VestaTilley · 16/05/2024 14:20

Sorry OP, but unless there’s a massive back story YABU. You left the area first; your DPs said they’d leave to, they’ve ended up near your DB who had a child. That’s not favouritism, it’s just the way it is. If you have a DC hopefully they can come for longer visits and you go there for longer visits. You’re being OTT about this and would be unreasonable to make your DH move.

CatherinedeBourgh · 16/05/2024 14:20

If you moved for work reasons, I'm guessing you moved to a bigger town/city? And your parents wanted to leave your hometown because it was becoming too built up, which indicates that they don't like cities ... is your brother living in a large city, so their moving goes against the reasons they said they would move?

Otherwise I'm a bit confused as to why you see this as being about you.