Will I ever get over my parents choosing my brother over me?

[Bluesunflowering]

Well that’s how it feels anyway.

I moved 10 years ago around 200 miles from my hometown for work reasons. I met my partner and around 4 years later I had my son.
My parents had always said they would move away from our hometown eventually, as it was becoming more built up in their words.

My brother and now wife moved to a new area which is about 125 miles from us during lockdown.

My parents then decided in 2022 that they were going to move closer to my brother, after visiting them there. We’re talking about 15 mins drive away.
I feel like I’ve been abandoned , I know it’s pathetic as an adult, but it feels like a huge rejection to me.
They are always spending time together, going round to each other’s house for dinner, going out for coffee, BBQs, helping each other with DIY projects and so on.

My partner’s parents live near us, but it’s not the same as having mine nearby.

My brother and his wife are due a baby in the summer and I know my parents will have more of a relationship with him/her than with my DS, and it hurts.
I thought about moving closer to them all, but my DP doesn’t want to move away and he has his job here. I’m only working part time/freelancing , so not a huge issue for me, but he’s in his ideal job here. Plus his parents are here too.

I’m starting to see a therapist about all this as it’s making me feel so sad and depressed. It’s also making me re-consider all my past decisions and choices.

You need to work on WHY you feel abandoned, and why you’re jealous of your DB.
Will you be as jealous when they are older and need more help while you are juggling teens, work and life?

In the nicest possible way OP, I think you need to change your mindset about this.

I live about 200 miles from my parents and 90 miles away from my in laws. We chose/needed to move here also due to work, that was our decision but we make a real concerted effort for our DD to speak with both sets of grandparents and see them either virtually or in person regularly. I had a great relationship with my own GPs and I want the same for her, regardless of distance. I know it seems a lot, but you can make an effort to get involved and have them involved in your DCs life. Have you told your parents how you feel? If you have a good relationship with your IL’s, lean into that.

My own brother lives closer to my parents, I’m sure when he and SIL have children my parents will be a lot more involved with their DC. I would love to have that level of involvement, but I also recognise I chose this life and I cannot dictate what my parents do with their lives.

You left them first!!

Bloody hell, hard work much?

Your parents have moved closer to you, Op.

Do you drive the two hours often to visit them?
Have you made them a comfortable guest room and invited them to stay once per month?

It could have been worse and they could have moved in the opposite direction.

Look at the whole situation with a positive view.
You can easily also visit your brother and his kids when ever you visit your parents. That will be extra exciting for your son.
Make the effort to visit.

Be happy for your brother and for the fact that your SIL welcomes your parents so generously.
Create the best relationship that you can with your inlaws too.

They were going have to 'pick' one of you as it would be pointless to live in-between your locations.

It's difficult to say anything as you don't say where you both live.
It could be a simple explanation - you live near London, house prices are extortionate, they get more house for their money and retirement in Northampton.
You might live in the sticks, they might want to live in a town/ city with more services (or the other way round).
It's probably more to do with that rather than they 'picked' him - unless there's a huge backstory you're not telling us about.

You need to re-frame your thoughts

is this another of those written by a bot?

@Bluesunflowering You moved 200miles away..
Your parents probably were very upset by this but probably said nothing.

It’s understandable they want to be near one of their adult children as they are getting older.

I too used to feel like a massive second best ( stepdaughter) but one has to let it go or carry pain for ever.

It sounds more like you were set up and settled where you are and maybe they liked this new area better. Lots of people would feel like they were intruding moving to someones new town they'd lived in for years and years.

I think you should ask them why they moved. I bet you they have an answer that isn't 'we prefer your brother'. Why don't you move nearer to them?

@Bluesunflowering how far away are they now? Am I correct in assuming that they're now 75 miles closer than they used to be?

You chose to move 200 miles away from them. How are they abandoning you?!

They can't live near both you AND your brother - they'd have ended up living hours from both of you if they'd chosen a spot in the middle, which would have been pointless for all of you.

They haven't 'chosen your brother over you'. I'm guessing they simply thought about the area where you live and thought about the area where he lives and decided his area would suit them best.

I know 100% that if my mum moves away from her home town, she'll move near my sister rather than me, because my sister lives in an area that ticks all my mum's boxes. I wouldn't be offended by that.

Aww that sounds nice!

Except maybe parents are real people who have emotions and active roles to play and value to contribute.

Do you not just think daughter moved away, had first grandchild, didn't need parents, enjoyed the in-laws .... and suddenly "outrageously entitled", is resentful that her parents are enjoying being being grandparents and actively involved and "feeling valued" with another grandchild.

Parents/ Grandparents are real people too. Most of them have a lot of love, energy and value to give.

It's usually best when there's a direct connection and availability between new grandchild and help needed and on-hand grandparents who want to be involved.

what is it you exactly want? Maybe your brother makes more of an effort with the parents than you. Theyre only human too at the end of the day. you cant have it all

I'm not sure where I stated or implied that parents/grandparents weren't real people. Like all people, they should be free to make their own choices. However, choices always have consequences.

A choice was to move close to one of their multiple children, which is a very standard choice that parents of multiple children might someday make. However, no matter which child this is, the consequences will include a practical and emotional impact to all the children. It is normal for siblings to then compare this impact to one another.

It was not wrong for the parents to make this choice. But nor is it wrong for the Op to feel the impact of that choice and to work through the feelings that it causes. Op has not said they are taking their feelings out on their parents in any way, just that they are seeing a therapist to help process those feelings. Posting here is, presumably, a continuation of that.

Op, I hope you are able to work through your feelings so that they don't make you feel as sad and depressed.

Do you not just think daughter moved away, had first grandchild, didn't need parents

But that applies equally to @Spirael 's brother as well. He also moved away for university and never came back and had children.

Your sexism is showing if you think only a daughter abandons her parents but a son rightfully goes off and makes his way.

Agreed

When I was young and 'invincible' (15) my mum moved far away and i stayed with my Dad. I just got on with my life and visited when I could.

Now I'm older and more delicate it hurts sometimes to see how much she is on hand with her "new" family. But no way am I going to let that be me.

Put it in the fuckit bucket OP and make memories the best you can with your lovely family and your parents when you can.
Or move??

Is there any others reasons? My sister and I live 8hours drive apart. My parents are in another country. If they moved to the UK they’d live near us, as they couldn’t afford to live near my sister. It wouldn’t be choosing me, it would be the only practical option.

This is CF thread material.

My DD moved 200 miles away and is claiming she needs therapy because we abandoned her by not following her there and moving somewhere we like instead.

You had your reasons for moving away first. Presumably your parents weren’t mortally wounded by you making that perfectly valid choice. So……

It really is. And needing therapy? Sounds more like emotional blackmail. Pathetic.

Mmm I am sorry Op - but i do feel you are being unreasonable

Your parents do not owe you a life time of orbiting around you.

They probably just really liked the area

At what point in our parents lives, do we feel happy for them to go off and do whatever they jolly well please?

Please PLEASE let them live their life in a way that suits them

OP, of course you can, but you have to choose to get over it.

They didn't chose your brother over you, they chose a place to live that is nearer him than you.

It was never about you in the first place.

Your parents now live around half the distance from you they used to, so sound like they are within an hours drive.
Why don't you start visiting them?

OP, you have your inlaws close by.
I made the decision to move 150 miles from my parents. I've dealt with cancer twice and facing it a third time. DP has been diagnosed with Parkinson's. We raised our kids together, no help.

Again, I made that decision to move, but it's been bloody hard. You have SOME family nearby. Do you get on with your in-laws?

Your right it's pathetic , you moved 200 miles away first but because they chose to move closer to your brother they abandoned you ? What planet are you on grow up